More Toasts Part 128

"And young?" interrupted the lady.

"Yes, and very rich."

The beautiful lady grasped the fortune teller's hands and pressed them hard.

"Thank you," she said. "Now tell me one thing more. How shall I get rid of my present husband?"

Miss Milly was rather a talkative young lady. Her bosom friend, having missed her for some time, called to find out the reason.

"No, mum, Miss Milly is not in," the maid informed her.

"She has gone to the cla.s.s."

"Why, what cla.s.s?" inquired the caller in surprize.

"Well, mum, you know Miss Milly is getting married soon, so she's taking a course of lessons in domestic silence."

Mrs. Peavish says that if it were to do over again, no man need ever ask for her hand until he had shown his.

In London they tell of a certain distinguished statesman who is an optimist on all points save marriage.

One afternoon this statesman was proceeding along a country road when he saw a cottager eating his supper alone in the road before his dwelling.

"Why, Henry," asked the statesman, "why are you eating out here alone?"

"Well, sir, er--" the man stammered, "the--er--chimney smokes."

"That's too bad," said the statesman, his philanthropic sentiments at once being aroused. "I'll have it fixed for you. Let's have a look at it."

And before the cottager could stay him the statesman proceeded to enter the cottage. As soon as he had opened the door a broomstick fell upon his shoulders and a woman's voice shrieked:

"Back here again, are you, you old rascal! Clear out with you, or I'll--"

The statesman retired precipitately. The cottager sat in the road shaking his head in sorrow and embarra.s.sment. The statesman bent over him, and laid his hand in kindly fas.h.i.+on on his arm.

"Never mind, Henry," said he, consolingly, "my chimney smokes sometimes, too."--_Harper's_.

NODD--"Are you sure your wife knows I'm going home to dinner with you?"

TODD--"Knows! Well, rather! Why, my dear fellow, I argued with her about it this morning for nearly half an hour."--_Life_.

A recent experience of a Virginia clergyman throws light on the old English law requiring that marriages should be celebrated before noon.

A colored couple appeared before him, asking to be married, the man in a considerably muddled state. The minister said to the woman, "I won't perform this ceremony."

"Why is dat, boss?" she queried. "Ain't de license all right? An' we is of age."

"Yes, but the man is drunk. Take him away and come back again."

Several days later the couple again presented themselves, the man once more obviously intoxicated. "See here, I told you I wouldn't marry you when this man was drunk," the minister said testily. "Don't you come back here till he's sober."

"Well, you see, suh," the woman replied apologetically, "de trufe is dat he won't come less'n he's lit up."

"Well," cried Mrs. Henpeck, "our son is engaged to be married. We will write to the dear lad and congratulate him."

Mr. Henpeck agreed (he dare not do otherwise), and his wife picked up the pen.

"My darling boy," read the son; "what glorious news! Your father and I rejoice in your happiness. It has long been our greatest wish that you should marry some good woman. A good woman is Heaven's most precious gift to man. She brings out all the best in him and helps him to suppress all that is evil."

Then there was a postscript in a different handwriting:

"Your mother has gone for a stamp. Keep single, you young noodle."--_Judge_.

"Women always have and always will keep men guessing," declares the Wathena (Kan.) Times. "A Wathena merchant employed a homely girl because he thought he could keep her. Within a few months a young man married her for the same reason."

A prominent New York debutante recently ordered "four seats on the aisle" at the theater. When her party arrived at the performance, they were surprised to find themselves arranged in a column instead of a row. Nothing daunted, the debutante turned to a bored, middle-aged man next to her. Surely he would not mind changing with her friend in front.

"I beg your pardon," she said politely.

No reply. He must be deaf.

"I beg your pardon," she repeated louder.

Still no reply.

"I beg your pardon," she said, b.u.mping his elbow.

He took out a pencil and wrote on his program:

"That's my wife on the other side of me. Safety first."

Man puts up with marriage in order to get a certain girl--a girl puts up with a certain man in order to get married.

In the old days man used to marry woman for a dot--now he marries her for a period.

Marriage may be likened to a subscription to a favorite magazine--it is something that should be renewed each year if it is not to expire.

A married woman said to her husband: "You have never taken me to the cemetery."