More Toasts Part 129

"No, dear," replied he; "that is a pleasure I have yet in antic.i.p.ation."

A man of perhaps 55, wearing a rough peajacket, showing glimpses of a soiled pink silk s.h.i.+rt, with a rubber collar, approached and in confiding tones asked for a book for a "widow past 50 who is thinking of getting married." The a.s.sistant proceeded to inquire as to what kind of a story he thought she might like. "Oh," he said, "what I want is a story that will kind o' cheer her up."

_See also_ Domestic finance; Husbands; Leap year.

MASCOTS

"Does a rabbit's foot really bring good luck?"

"I should say so. My wife felt one in my money pocket once and thought it was a mouse."

MATHEMATICS

_See_ Arithmetic.

MATRIMONY

_See_ Marriage.

MEASURING INSTRUMENTS

A two-foot rule was given to a laborer in a Clyde boat-yard to measure an iron plate. The laborer not being well up in the use of the rule, after spending considerable time, returned.

"Now, Mick," asked the plater, "what size is the plate?"

"Well," replied Mick, with a grin of satisfaction, "it's the length of your rule and two thumbs over, with this piece of brick and the breadth of my hand and my arm from here to there, bar a finger."--_Everybody's_.

MEDALS

A well-known admiral--a stickler for uniform--stopped opposite a very portly sailor whose medal-ribbon was an inch or so too low down.

Fixing the man with his eye, the admiral asked: "Did you get that medal for eating, my man?"

On the man replying "No, sir," the admiral rapped out: "Then why the deuce do you wear it on your stomach?"

MEDICAL ETHICS

Not so very long ago a certain attorney was quite ill. A doctor was summoned, but directly he arrived and got one look at his patient he said, "Sorry, but you'll have to call another doctor."

"Am I as sick as all that?" gasped the attorney.

"No, but you're the lawyer that cross-examined me when I was called to give expert testimony in a certain case. Now my conscience won't permit me to kill you, but I'm darned if I care to cure you. Good day."

MEDICINE

DOCTOR--"What? Troubled with sleeplessness? Eat something before going to bed."

PATIENT--"Why doctor, you once told me never to eat anything before going to bed."

DOCTOR (with dignity)--"Pooh, pooh! That was last January. Science has made enormous strides since then."

GIRL (to druggist)--"Could you fix me a dose of castor oil so as the oil won't taste?"

DRUGGIST--"Certainly! Won't you have a gla.s.s of soda while waiting?"

(She drinks the soda.)

DRUGGIST--"Something else, miss?"

GIRL--"No, just the oil."

DRUGGIST--"But you have just drank it."

GIRL--"Oh! It was for my mother."

"Are you of the opinion, James," asked a slim-looking man of his companion, "that Dr. Smith's medicine does any good?"

"Not unless you follow the directions."