More Toasts Part 92

G.o.d

A little girl traveling in a sleeping-car with her parents greatly objected to being put in an upper berth. She was a.s.sured that papa, mama, and G.o.d would watch over her. She was settled in the berth at last and the pa.s.sengers were quiet for the night, when a small voice piped:

"Mama!"

"Yes, dear."

"You there?"

"Yes, I'm here. Now go to sleep."

"Papa, you there?"

"Yes, I'm here. Go to sleep like a good girl."

This continued at intervals for some time until a fellow pa.s.senger lost patience and called:

"We're all here! Your father and mother and brothers and sisters and uncles and aunts and first cousins. All here. Now go to sleep!"

There was a brief pause after this explosion. Then the tiny voice piped up again, but very softly:

"Mama!"

"Well?"

"Was that G.o.d?"

GOLF

FIRST NEWSBOY--"Chimmie's got a job as caddie for a golf club. Is dere much money in dat?"

SECOND DITTO--"De salary ain't much, but dey makes a lot extra backin'

up fellers when dey lies about de scores dey made."

An Irishman was suddenly struck by a golf-ball.

"Are you hurt?" asked the player. "Why didn't you get out of the way?"

"An' why should I get out of the way?" asked Pat. "I didn't know there was any a.s.sa.s.sins round here."

"But I called 'fore,'" said the player, "and when I say 'fore,' that is a sign for you to get out of the way."

"Oh, it is, is it?" said Pat. "Well, thin, whin I say 'foive,' it is a sign that you are going to get hit on the nose. 'Foive.'"

"What do you think is the most difficult thing for a beginner to learn about golf?"

"To keep from talking about it all the time."

The golfer who was employing him was playing very badly, and the caddie threw himself down on the gra.s.s at one point and watched him.

When the man had at last succeeded in getting his ball out of the bunker, he glanced toward the boy and remarked: "You must be tired, lying down at this time of day."

"I ain't tired of carrying," said the caddie, "but I certainly am tired of counting."

"What is considered a good score on these links?"

"Well, sir," replied the youthful caddie solemnly, "most of the gents tries to do it in as few strokes as they can, but it gin'r'lly takes some more."

"Look, grandpaw, a new gowf ba' I foond, lost on the links."

"Are ye sure it was lost, Sandy?"

"Oo, ay; I saw the mannie an' his caddy lookin' for it."

_Reflections of a Cla.s.s A Caddie_

One swallow does not make a golfer--it only helps.

You may chip, you may wallop the ball if you will, But the slash of the duffer will cling round it still.

Look before you cheat.

Every water hole has a silver lining--ask the boat boy.

To stymie is human; to lift up divine.

Half a stroke is better than none.

He laughs last who putts best.

When in doubt, hole out.

Two golf fiends--an Englishman and a Scot--were playing a round together. After the first hole the Englishman asked:

"How many did you take?"

"Eight," replied the Scot.

"Oh, I only took seven, so it's my hole!" exclaimed the Englishman, triumphantly.

After the second hole the Englishman put the same question again. But the Scot smiled knowingly.