More Toasts Part 93

"Na, na, ma man," said he; "it's ma turn tae ask first!"

GOSSIP

"They say--"

"Who say?"

"Oh, all the people who don't matter."

"Germany's att.i.tude toward peace is ominous," said General Laurin Lawson at a luncheon in Louisville."

"Germany reminds me, in fact, of the new parlor-maid whose mistress said to her:"

"'And above all things, I expect you to be reticent.'"

"'Yes, ma'am, certainly, of course, ma'am,' said the new maid."

"Then she leaned toward her mistress with s.h.i.+ning eyes."

"'And what's there to be reticent about, ma'am?' she asked."

"Now this is a secret and you mustn't tell anybody."

"Rest a.s.sured that I won't tell that secret to anybody, dear. I have no desire to figure as a female Rip Van Winkle. That secret is at least three weeks old."

Women talk among themselves about other people. Men talk to other people about themselves.

If you want to know a woman Who can play a game of tag With Truth until it's spent beyond repair, Who can start a thousand rumors, Set ten thousand tongues a-wag Till there's nothing left of Gospel in the air, Who can get you into trouble And your reputation smirch-- It's Mrs. Grundy On a Sunday When she's walking home from church.

--_Katharine Eggleston Roberts_.

"They tell me that woman is a gossip. Do you think she is reliable?"

"I know that whatever she says goes."

"It's just an idle rumor."

"Well, my wife's bridge club is in session. If those ladies get hold of that idle rumor, they'll soon put it to work."

A gossip is one who can make a mountain out of a molehill and then bring it to you.

Conversation being dull at an evening party, the hostess requested one of her guests to go home, that the rest might have somebody to talk about.

GOVERNMENT OWNERs.h.i.+P

They were looking down into the depths of the Grand Canon.

"Do you know," asked the guide, "that it took millions and millions of years for this great abyss to be carved out?"

"Well, well!" e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed the traveler. "I never knew this was a government job."

"I presume you're mighty glad the war is over."

"Well, I don' jes' know about dat," answered Mandy. "Cose I'se glad to have my Sam back home an' all dat, but I jes' know I ain't never gwine t'get money from him so regular as I did while he wuz in de Army an'

de Government wuz handlin' his financial affairs."

"So you approve of the Government's action in taking over the railroads."

"Yep," replied Mr. Growcher. "I approve of that and prohibition for several reasons, one of them being that now a lot of people can quit lecturing on the subject and go to work."

NULLERFORD--"Do you know anybody who favors government control of the railroads?"

FONDERHAM--"I know one man. He lives fifty miles from the nearest rail; never does any traveling or s.h.i.+pping; has a son who's a conductor, a nephew who's a brakeman, a daughter who works in a railroad office, and two grandsons who are going to be firemen."

GRAt.i.tUDE

At least one Was.h.i.+ngton debutante has candor and humor in large and equal parts. Thus, her denial of a rumor that she was engaged:

"There is not a word of truth in it, but thank G.o.d for the report!"

"You did me a favor ten years ago," said the stranger, "and I have never forgotten it."

"Ah," replied the good man with a grateful expression on his face, "and you have come back to repay me?"