The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 34
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Mr. Sloc.u.m looked puzzled. He scratched his head, scrutinized the article he had been perusing, and took a graceful survey of the paper.
"I declare, wife," said he, "it's curious, but really the paper don't say."
CAUGHT ON A JURY.
THE following, which we have heard told as a fact, some time ago, may be beneficial to some gentleman who has a young and unsuspecting wife:
A certain man, who lived about ten miles from K----, was in the habit of going to town, about once a week, and getting on a regular spree, and would not return until he had time to "cool off," which was generally two or three days. His wife was ignorant of the cause of his staying out so long, and suffered greatly from anxiety about his welfare. When he would return, of course his confiding wife would inquire what had been the matter with him, and the usual reply was, that he was caught on the jury, and couldn't get off.
Having gathered his corn, and placed it in a large heap, he, according to custom, determined to call in his neighbors, and have a real corn-shucking frolic. So he gave Ned, a faithful servant, a jug and an order, to go to town and get a gallon of whiskey--a very necessary article on such occasions. Ned mounted a mule, and was soon in town, and, equipped with the whiskey, remounted to set out for home, all buoyant with the prospect of fun at shucking.
When he had proceeded a few hundred yards from town, he concluded to take the "stuff," and not satisfied with once, he kept trying until the world turned round so fast, that he turned off the mule, and then he went to sleep, and the mule to grazing. It was now nearly night, and when Ned awoke it was just before the break of day, and so dark, that he was unable to make any start towards home until light. As soon as his bewilderment had subsided, so that he could get the "point," he started with an empty jug, the whiskey having run out, and afoot, for the mule had gone home. Of course he was contemplating the application of a "two year old hickory," as he went on at the rate of two forty.
Ned reached home about breakfast time, and "fetched up" at the back door, with a decidedly guilty countenance.
"What in thunder have you been at, you black rascal?" said his master.
Ned knowing his master's excuse to his wife, when he went on a spree, determined to tell the truth, if he died for it, and said:
"Well, ma.s.sa, to tell the truth, I was kotch on the jury, and couldn't get off."--_Nashville News._
A CURE BY LAUGHTER.
AN aged widow had a cow, which fell sick. In her distress for fear of the loss of this her princ.i.p.al means of support, she had recourse to the rector, in whose prayers she had implicit faith, and humbly besought his reverence to visit her cow, and pray for her recovery. The worthy man, instead of being offended at this trait of simplicity, in order to comfort the poor woman, called in the afternoon at her cottage, and proceeded to visit the sick animal. Walking thrice round it, he at each time gravely repeated: "_If she dies she dies, but if she lives she lives._" The cow happily recovered, which the widow entirely attributed to the efficacy of her pastor's prayer. Some short time after, the rector himself was seized with a quinsy, and in imminent danger, to the sincere grief of his affectionate paris.h.i.+oners, and of none more than the grateful widow. She repaired to the parsonage, and after considerable difficulty from his servants, obtained admission to his chamber, when thrice walking round his bed, she repeated "_If he dies he dies, but if he lives he lives_;" which threw the doctor into such a fit of laughter, that the imposthume broke, and produced an immediate cure.
A WITTY lawyer once jocosely asked a boarding-house keeper the following question:
"Mr. ----, if a man gives you five hundred dollars to keep for him, and he dies, what do you do? Do you pray for him?"
"No, sir," replied ----, "I pray for another like him."
NON SUM QUALIS ERAM.
A n.o.bLE and learned lord, when attorney general, being at a consultation where there was considerable difference of opinion between him and his brother counsel, delivered his sentiments with his usual energy, and concluded by striking his hand on the table, and saying, "This, gentlemen, is _my opinion_." The peremptory tone with which this was spoken so nettled the solicitor, who had frequently consulted him when a young barrister, that he sarcastically repeated, "Your opinion! I have often had your opinion for five s.h.i.+llings." Mr. Attorney with great good humour said, "Very true, and probably you then paid its full value."
ONE SWALLOW DOES NOT MAKE A SUMMER.
ONE winter day, the Prince of Wales went into the Thatched House Tavern, and ordered a steak: "But," said his royal highness, "I am devilish cold, bring me a gla.s.s of hot brandy and water." He swallowed it, another, and another. "Now," said he, "I am comfortable, bring my steak." On which Mr. Sheridan took out his pencil, and wrote the following impromptu:
"The Prince came in, said it was cold, Then put to his head the rummer; Till _swallow_ after _swallow_ came, When he p.r.o.nounced it summer."
CLa.s.sICAL BULL. MILTON.
ADAM, the goodliest of _men since born His sons; the fairest of her daughters Eve_.
GIVE THE DEVIL HIS DUE.
AT the grand entertainment given at Vauxhall in July, 1813, to celebrate the victories of the Marquis of Wellington, the fire-works, prepared under the direction of General Congreve, were the theme of universal admiration. The General himself was present, and being in a circle where the conversation turned on monumental inscriptions, he observed that nothing could be finer than the short epitaph on Purcel, in Westminster Abbey.
"He has gone to that place where only his own Harmony can be exceeded."
"Why, General," said a lady, "it will suit you exactly, with the alteration of a single word.
"He is gone to that place, where only his own _Fire-Works_ can be exceeded."
A SOUND REASON.
A CERTAIN cabinet minister being asked why he did not promote merit?
"Because," answered he, "merit did not promote me."
The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 34
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