The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 35
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AN eminent barrister arguing a cause respecting the infringement of a patent for buckles, took occasion to hold forth on its vast improvement; and by way of example, taking one of his own out of his shoe, "What,"
exclaimed he, "would my ancestors have said to see my feet ornamented with this?" "Aye," observed Mr. Mingay, "what would they have said to see your feet ornamented with either shoes or stockings?"
A HOOSIER AT THE ASTOR.
B. MET on the train an elderly Hoosier, who had been to the show-case exhibition at New York, and who had seen the _hi po dro me_, as he called it.
"Did you remain long in New York?" asked B.
"Well, no," he answered thoughtfully, "only two days, for I saw there was a right smart chance of starving to death, and I'm opposed to that way of going down. I put up at one of their taverns, and allowed I was going to be treated to the whole."
"Where did you stop?" said B., interrupting him.
"At the Astor House. I allow you don't ketch me in no such place again.
They rung a _gong_, as they call it, four times after breakfast, and then, when I went to eat, there wasn't nary vittles on the table."
"What was there?" B. ventured to inquire.
"Well," said the old man, enumerating the items cautiously, as if from fear of omission--"there was a clean plate wrong side up, a knife, a clean towel, a split spoon, and a hand bill, and what was worse," added the old man, "the insultin' n.i.g.g.e.r up and asked me what I wanted.
'_Vittles_,' said I, '_bring in your vittles and I'll help myself!_'"
"BUBBY, why don't you go home and have your mother sew up that awful hole in your trowsers?"
"Oh, you git eout, old 'oman," was the respectful reply, "our folks are economizing, and a hole will last longer than a patch any day."
QUAKER _vs._ QUAKER.
OLD JACOB J---- was a shrewd Quaker merchant in Burlington, New Jersey, and, like all shrewd men, was often a little too smart for himself.
An old Quaker lady of Bristol, Pennsylvania, just over the river, bought some goods at Jacob's store, _when he was absent_, and in crossing the river on her way home, she met him aboard the boat, and, as was usual with him upon such occasions, he immediately pitched into her bundle of goods and untied it to see what she had been buying.
"Oh now," says he, "how much a yard did you give for that, and that?"
taking up the several pieces of goods. She told him the price, without, however, saying where she had got them.
"Oh now," says he again, "I could have sold you those goods for so much a yard," mentioning a price a great deal lower than she had paid. "You know," says he, "I can undersell every body in the place;" and so he went on criticising and undervaluing the goods till the boat reached Bristol, when he was invited to go to the old lady's store, and when there the goods were spread out on the counter, and Jacob was asked to examine the goods again, and say, in the presence of witnesses, the price he would have sold them at per yard, the old lady, meanwhile, taking a memorandum. She then went to the desk and made out a bill of the difference between what she had paid and the price he told her; then coming up to him, she said,
"Now, Jacob, thee is sure thee could have sold those goods at the price thee mentioned?"
"Oh now, yes," says he.
"Well, then, thy young man must have made a mistake; for I bought the goods from thy store, and of course, under the circ.u.mstances, thee can have no objection to refund me the difference."
Jacob, being thus cornered, could, of course, under the circ.u.mstances, have no objection. It is to be presumed that thereafter Jacob's first inquiry must have been, "Oh now, where did you get such and such goods?"
instead of "Oh now, how much did you pay?"
HEM _vs._ HAW.
MR. OBERON (a man about town) was lately invited to a sewing party. The next day a friend asked him how the entertainment came off. "Oh, it was very amusing," replied Oberon, "the ladies hemmed and I hawed."
POETRY DONE TO ORDER.
ON one occasion a country gentleman, knowing Joseph Green's reputation as a poet, procured an introduction to him, and solicited a "first-rate epitaph" for a favorite servant who had lately died. Green asked what were the man's chief qualities, and was told that "Cole excelled in all things, but was particularly good at raking hay, which he could do faster than anybody, the present company, of course, excepted." Green wrote immediately--
"Here lies the body of John Cole: His master loved him like his soul; He could rake hay; none could rake faster, Except that raking dog, his master."
THE RIVAL CANDIDATES.
TWO candidates disputed the palm for singing, and left the decision to Dr. Arne, who having heard them exert their vocal abilities, said to the one, "You, Sir, are the worst singer I ever heard." On which the other exulting, the umpire, turning to him, said, "And as for you, Sir, you cannot sing at all."
A MEMBER of parliament took occasion to make his maiden speech, on a question respecting the execution of a particular statute. Rising solemnly, after three loud hems, he spoke as follows: "Mr. Speaker, have we laws, or have we not laws? If we have laws, and they are not executed, for what purpose were they made?" So saying, he sat down full of self-consequence. Another member then rose, and thus delivered himself: "Mr. Speaker, did the honourable member speak to the purpose, or not speak to the purpose? If he did not speak to the purpose, to what purpose did he speak?"
A BROAD HINT.
The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 35
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