The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 37

THE HARDs.h.i.+PS OF LIFE.

A DRAMATIC author, not unconscious of his own abilities, observed, that he knew nothing so terrible as reading a play in the green-room, before so critical an audience. "I know something more terrible," said Mrs.

Powell. "What is that?" "To be obliged to sit and hear it read."

SYMPTOMS OF CIVILIZATION.

WALKING STUART, being cast away on an unknown sh.o.r.e, where, after he and his companions had proceeded a long way without seeing a creature, at length, to their great delight, they descried _a man hanging on a gibbet_. "The joy," says he, "which this _cheering sight_ excited, cannot be described; for it convinced us that we were in a _civilized country_."

AN IMPROVEMENT.

A GENTLEMAN asked his _black diamond merchant_ the price of coals. "Ah!"

said he, significantly shaking his head, "coals are coals, now." "I am glad to hear that," observed the wit, "for the last I had of you, were half of them slates."

A SENTIMENTAL FOSSIL.

"WHAT is your name?" "My name is Norval, on the Grampian Hills."

"Where did you come from?" "I come from a happy land, where care is unknown."

"Where are you lodging now?" "I dreamt I dwelt in marble halls."

"Where are you going to?" "Far, far o'er hill and dell."

"What is your occupation?" "Some love to roam."

"Are you married?" "Long time ago. Polly put the kettle on."

"How many children have you?" "There's Doll, and Bet, and Moll, and Kate, and--"

"What is your wife's name?" "O no, we never mention her."

"Did your wife oppose your leaving her?" "She wept not, when we parted."

"In what condition did you leave her?" "A rose tree in full bearing."

"Is your family provided for?" "A little farm, well tilled."

"Did your wife drive you off?" "Oh, sublime was the warning."

"What did your wife say to you, that induced you to _slope_?" "Come, rest in this bosom."

"Was your wife good-looking?" "She wore a wreath of roses."

"Did your wife ever treat you badly?" "Oft in the stilly night."

"When you announced your intention of emigrating, what did she say?"

"Oh, dear, what can the matter be?"

"And what did you reply?" "Sweet Kitty Clover, you bother me so!"

"Where did you last see her?" "Near the lakes, where drooped the willow."

"What did she say to you, when you were in the act of leaving?" "A place in thy memory, dearest!"

"Do you still love her?" "'Tis said that absence conquers love."

"What are your possessions?" "The harp that once through Tara's halls--"

"What do you propose to do with it?" "I'll hang my harp on a willow tree."

"Where do you expect to make a living?" "Over the water with Charley."

AN INSCRIPTION.

MR. CAMPBELL, a Highland gentleman, through whose estate in Argyles.h.i.+re runs the military road which was made under the direction of General Wade, in grateful commemoration of its benefits, placed a stone seat on the top of a hill, where the weary traveler may repose, after the labour of his ascent, and on which is judiciously inscribed, _Rest, and be thankful_. It has, also, the following sublime distich:

"Had you seen this road, _before it was made_, You would lift up your hands, and bless General Wade."

PUN ALPHABETICAL.

"THERE was a man hanged this morning; one _Vowel_." "Well, let us be thankful, _it was neither U nor I_."

SHAKSPEAREAN COOKERY.