The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 38

AN argument took place in a coffee-house, between two men of _taste_, as to the best method of dressing a beefsteak. They referred the matter to a comedian, who, having an eye to the _shop_, said he preferred Shakspeare's recipe to either of theirs, "Shakspeare's recipe!" they both exclaimed. "Aye, Shakspeare's recipe:

'If when 'twere done, 'twere well done, then 'twere well, It were done quickly.'"

A REPROOF.

MR. KING and Mr. Lewis walking together in Birmingham, a chimney sweeper and his boy pa.s.sed them. The lad stared at them, exclaiming, "They be players!" "Hus.h.!.+ you dog," says the old sweep, "you don't know what you may come to yourself yet."

A REASONABLE BILL.

AN undertaker waited on a gentleman, with the bill for the burial of his wife, amounting to 67_l._ "That's a vast sum," said the widower, "for laying a silent female horizontally; you must have made some mistake!"

"Not in the least," answered the coffin-monger, "handsome hea.r.s.e--three coaches and six, well-dressed mutes, handsome pall--n.o.body, your honor, could do it for less." The gentleman rejoined: "It is a large sum, Mr.

c.r.a.pe; but as I am satisfied the poor woman would have given twice as much to bury me, I must not be behind her in an act of kindness; there is a check for the amount."

A PARTNERs.h.i.+P.

THE Marquis della Scallas, an Italian n.o.bleman, giving a grand entertainment, his major domo informed him that there was a fisherman below with a remarkably fine fish, but who demanded for it a very uncommon price--he won't take any money, but insists on a hundred strokes of the strappado on his bare shoulders. The marquis surprised, ordered him in, when he persisted in his demand. To humor him the marquis complied, telling his groom not to lay on too hard. When he had received the fiftieth lash, he cried, "Hold! I have got a partner, to whom I have engaged that he should have half of whatever I was to receive for my fish--your lords.h.i.+p's porter, who would admit me only on that condition." It is almost unnecessary to add, that the porter had his share well paid, and that the fisherman got the full value for his prize.

LIFE INSURANCE.

JAMES II., when Duke of York, found his brother, King Charles, in Hyde-park, unattended, at what was considered a perilous time. The duke expressed his surprise that his majesty should venture alone in so public a place. "James," said the king, "take care of yourself; no man in England will kill me to make you king."

AN IRISH NOTICE.

IN a pool across a road in the county of Tipperary is stuck up a pole, having affixed to it a board, with this inscription: "_Take notice, that when the water is over this board the road is impa.s.sable._"

MOUTHS AND MEAT.

A POOR man, with a family of seven children, complained to his richer neighbor of his hard case, his heavy family, and the inequality of fortune. The other callously observed, that whenever Providence sent mouths it sent meat. "True," said the former, "but it has sent to you the _meat_, and me the _mouths_."

THE BENEFIT OF LYING.

A FELLOW was tried for stealing, and it was satisfactorily proved that he had acknowledged the theft to several persons, yet the jury acquitted him. The judge, surprised, asked their reason. The foreman said that he and his fellows knew the prisoner to be such an abominable liar, that they could not believe one word he said.

A BROAD HINT.

A GERMAN prince being one day on a balcony with a foreign minister, told him, "One of my predecessors made an amba.s.sador leap down from this balcony." "Perhaps," said his excellency, "it was not the fas.h.i.+on then for amba.s.sadors to wear swords."

PREFERMENT.

AN auctioneer having turned publican, was soon after thrown into the King's Bench; on which the following paragraph appeared in the Morning Post: "Mr. A., who lately quitted the _pulpit_ for the _bar_, has been promoted to the _bench_."

SHOES MISUSED.

A LADY bespoke a pair of dress shoes from an eminent shoemaker in Jermyn-street. When they were brought home she was delighted with them.

She put them on the same evening, and went to a ball, where she danced.

Next day, examining her favorite shoes, she found them almost in pieces.

She sent for the tradesman, and showed him them. "Good G.o.d!" said he, "it is not possible." At length, recollecting himself, he added, "How stupid I am! as sure as death your ladys.h.i.+p must have _walked in them_."

A SUPPOSITION.

IN the time of the persecution of the protestants in France, the English amba.s.sador solicited of Louis XIV. the liberation of those sent to the galleys on account of their religion. "What," answered the monarch, "would the king of England say, were I to demand the liberation of the prisoners in Newgate?" "The king, my master," replied the minister, "would grant them to your majesty, if you reclaimed them as brothers."