The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 44

"I am not yet beyond the age of marriage."

"Marry then."

"But people will say that my intended is too young for me."

"Don't marry."

"He would a.s.sist me in managing the business."

"Marry then."

"But I am afraid he would soon despise me."

"Don't marry."

"But on the other hand a poor widow is despised who has no protector."

"Marry then."

"I am sadly afraid, however, that he would take up with the wenches."

"Then don't marry."

Uncertain from these contradictory responses, the dame consulted the bells when ringing, and which seemed to repeat, "Marry your man John."

She took this oracular advice, married, and soon repented. She again applied to the curate, who told her, "You have not observed well what the bells said; listen again." She did so, when they distinctly repeated, "Don't marry John."

A DOUBLE ENTENDRE.

A GENTLEMAN inspecting lodgings to be let, asked the pretty girl who showed them, "And are you, my dear, to be let with the lodgings?" "No,"

answered she, "I am to be let--_alone_."

REASON ON BOTH SIDES.

CHARLES II. asked Bishop Stillingfleet how it happened that he preached in general without book, but always read the sermons which he delivered before the court. The bishop answered, that the awe of seeing before him so great and wise a prince made him afraid to trust himself. "But will your majesty," continued he, "permit me to ask you a question in my turn? Why do you read your speeches to parliament?" "Why doctor,"

replied the king, "I'll tell you very candidly. I have asked them so often for money, that I am ashamed to look them in the face."

SELF TAUGHT GENIUS.

IN a company of artists, the conversation turned on the subject, whether self-taught men could arrive at the perfection of genius combined with instruction. A German musician maintained the affirmative, and gave himself as an example. "I have," said he, "made a fiddle, which turns out as good as any Cremona I ever drew a bow over, all _out of my own head_; aye, and I have got _wood enough left to make another_."

AN ARTFUL REQUEST.

A GENTLEMAN traveling from Paris to Calais, was accosted by a man walking along, who begged the favor of him to let him put his great coat in his carriage. "With all my heart," said the gentleman, "but if we should be going different ways, how will you get your great coat?"

"Sir," answered the other, with apparent _navete_, "I shall be in it."

A FELONY.

A YOUNG gentleman, a clerk in the Treasury, used every morning, as he came from his lady mother's to the office, to pa.s.s by the ca.n.a.l in the Green Park, and feed the ducks then kept there, with bread and corn, which he carried in his pocket for the purpose. One day, having called his grateful friends, the _ducky, ducky, duckies_, he found unfortunately that he had forgotten them. "Poor duckies!" he cried, "I am sorry I have not brought your allowance, _but here is sixpence for you to buy some_," and threw in a sixpence, which one of them caught and gobbled up. At the office he very wisely told the story to the other gentlemen there, with whom he was to dine next day. One of the party putting the landlord up to the story, desired him to have ducks at the table, and put a sixpence in the body of one of them, which was taken care to be placed before our hero. On cutting it up, and discovering the sixpence in its belly, he ordered the waiter to send up his master, whom he loaded with the epithets of rascal and scoundrel, swearing that he would have him prosecuted for robbing the king of his ducks; "For," said he, "gentlemen, I a.s.sure you, on my honor, that yesterday morning, _I gave this sixpence to one of the ducks in the Green Park_."'

CONVINCING EVIDENCE.

A CERTAIN clergyman having been examined as a witness in the King's Bench, the adverse counsel, by way of brow-beating, said, "If I be not mistaken, you are known as the _bruising parson_." "I am," said the divine, "and if you doubt it I will give it you _under my hand_."

TOO BAD.

A MAN who was sentenced to be hung was visited by his wife, who said: "My dear, would you like the children to see you executed?" "No,"

replied he. "That's just like you," said she, "for you never wanted the children to have any enjoyment."

PARLIAMENTARY BULL.

IN the Irish Bank-bill, pa.s.sed in June 1808, there is a clause, providing, that the profits shall be _equally_ divided; and the _residue go to the Governor_.

ANOTHER.