The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 50

A n.o.bLE Lord being in his early years much addicted to dissipation, his mother advised him to take example by a gentleman, whose food was herbs, and his drink water. "What! Madam," said he, "would you have me to imitate a man, who _eats like a beast, and drinks like a fish_!"

PROVERBS APPLIED.

A "FAT and greasy citizen," having made a ridiculous motion in the Common Council, observed afterwards at a select _dinner party_, (or rather _party dinner_,) that he was afraid he should be _hauled over the coals_ for it. An alderman present observed, "_Then all the fat would be in the fire._"

PROOF OF YORKs.h.i.+RE.

A LAD, seeing a gentleman in a public house eating eggs, said,

"Be so good, Sir, as give me a little salt."

"Salt, for what?"

"Perhaps, Sir, you'll ask me to eat an egg, and I should like to be ready."

"What country are you from, my lad?"

"I's Yorks.h.i.+re, Sir."

"I thought so--Well, there take your egg."

"Thank you, Sir."

"Well, they are great horse-stealers in your country are not they?"

"Yes; my father, though an honest man, would think no more of taking a horse, than I would of drinking your gla.s.s of ale," _taking it off_.

"Yes, I see you are Yorks.h.i.+re."

SCOTCH WEATHER.

ON a very wet day in the west of Scotland, a traveler, who had been detained a week by bad weather, peevishly asked a native, if it always rained in that country? He replied, drily, "No, it _snows sometimes_."

AN OBSERVATION EXEMPLIFIED.

A BOY on the stage danced very finely and obtained much applause. A senior dancer enviously observed, that he never knew a clever boy turn out a great man. The boy said, "Sir, you must have been a very clever boy."

t.i.t FOR TAT.

DOBBS was up and doing, April Fool Day. A singular phenomenon was to be seen in the vicinity of his place of business. Dobbs went home from his store, the last evening in March, and while taking his tea, remarked to his wife, that his colored porter had been blessed with an increase in his family.

"Why," said Mrs. D., "that makes nine!"

"Exactly," said he; "but the singularity about this new comer, is, that one half of its face is black."

"Dear me!" exclaimed Mrs. D., "that is singular, indeed. How strange!

What can be the cause of such disfigurement?"

"Can't say," replied Dobbs, "but it is a curiosity worth seeing, to say the least of it."

"So I should think," returned his better half. "I will go down in the morning, and take such delicacies as the woman needs, and see the child at the same time."

Dobbs knew she would, so he went out to smoke a cigar, and the subject was dropped for the evening. Next morning after he went to his store, the kind-hearted woman made up a basket of nice things, and taking the servant girl, went down to cheer up the mother, and see the singular child. When Dobbs came home to dinner, his wife looked surprised. Before he had time to seat himself, she said:

"Have you seen cousin John? He was here, this morning, to pay you the money you lent him, and as he could not wait for you, and must leave town again to-day; I told him you would be at the store, at half-past two.

"How fortunate!" said he; "I need just that amount to take up a note to-morrow. Just two, now," said Dobbs, looking at his watch, "I will go down at once, for fear of missing him."

"Can't you have dinner first?" said his affectionate wife, "you will be in time."

"No," said he, "I want that money, and would not like to miss him, so I will go at once."

"By the by," said the lady, "how came you to tell me such a story about one side of that child's face being white?"

"No, no," said he, as he put on his hat, "you are mistaken. I said one side was black. You did not ask me about the other side; _that was black, too_. First of April, my dear, first of April, you know."

Dobbs departed in haste, and did not return again until tea time, and then he looked disappointed.

"What is the matter, my dear?" said Mrs. D.

"Why, I missed cousin John, and I needed the thousand dollars to take up a note to-morrow. And every one is so short, I cannot raise it."

"Oh! is that all?" returned she, "then it's all right. Cousin John paid me the money, and said you could send him a receipt by mail."

"But," asked Dobbs, "why couldn't you tell me so at dinner time, and not say he would be at the store, to pay me, at half-past two, and so send me off without my dinner, besides causing me so much anxiety for nothing?"

"I am sorry you have had so much anxiety and trouble," returned his wife; "but you are mistaken in supposing I told you he would be at the store, at that time. I said I told him _you_ would be there, at half-past two, and knowing you were in want of that money, I knew you would not fail. _First of April, my dear, first of April, you know!_"