The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 51

Dobbs caved in; he acknowledged the corn, and Mr. and Mrs. Dobbs enjoyed a pleasant supper.

THE REGRET.

JOSEPH II. Emperor of Germany, traveling incognito, stopped at an inn in the Netherlands, where, it being fair time, and the house crowded, he readily slept in an outhouse, after a slender supper of bacon and eggs, for which, and bed, he paid the charge of about three s.h.i.+llings and sixpence, English. A few hours after, some of his majesty's suite coming up, the landlord appeared very uneasy at not having known the rank of his guest. "Pshaw! man," said one of the attendants, "Joseph is accustomed to such adventures, and will think nothing of it." "Very likely," replied mine host, "but I shall. I can never forgive myself for having an emperor in my house, and letting him off for three and sixpence."

NOT TO BE TWICE DECEIVED.

A PERSON, more ready to borrow than to pay, prevailed on a friend to lend him a guinea, on a solemn promise of returning it the ensuing week, which, to the surprise of the lender, he punctually kept. Shortly after, he made an application for a larger sum. "No," said the other, "you have deceived me once, and I will take care you shall not do so a second time."

MURDER AND SUICIDE.

A CLERGYMAN preaching against lending money on usury, a.s.serted it to be as great a sin as _murder_. Some time after, he applied to a paris.h.i.+oner to lend him twenty pounds. "What!" said the other, "after declaring your opinion that to lend money on usury, was as bad as _murder_?" "I do not mean," answered the parson, "that you should lend it to me on usury, but _gratis_." "That," replied the paris.h.i.+oner, "would, in my opinion, be as bad as _suicide_."

A CHALLENGE.

A SON of Galen, when a company was making merry by ridicule on physicians, exclaimed, "I defy any person I ever attended, to accuse me of ignorance or neglect." "That you may do, doctor, _dead men tell no tales_."

A QUALIFICATION.

A YOUNG n.o.bleman, lately admitted a member of the Board of Agriculture, observed, as he took his seat, that he himself was an extensive farmer.

The company knowing his lords.h.i.+p's pursuits to be very different, stared a little at the declaration; but he explained it, by saying, he had sowed a great deal of _wild oats_.

QUICK WORK.

MRS. PARTINGTON, speaking of the rapid manner in which wicked deeds are perpetrated, said that it only required two _seconds_ to fight a duel.

NON COMMITTAL.

A CALM, blue-eyed, self-composed, and self-possessed young lady, in a village "down east," received a long call the other day, from a prying old spinster, who, after prolonging her stay beyond even her own conception of the young lady's endurance, came to the main question which brought her thither: "I've been asked a good many times if you was engaged to Dr. C----. Now, if folks enquire again whether you be or not, what shall I tell them I think?" "Tell them," answered the young lady, fixing her calm blue eyes in unblus.h.i.+ng steadiness upon the inquisitive features of her interrogator, "tell them that you think you don't know, and you're sure it's none of your business."

GRIEF.

A DUTCHMAN having suddenly lost an infant son, of whom he was very fond, thus vented his inconsolable grief over the loss of his child. "I don't see wot dit make him die; he was so fatter as b.u.t.ter. I wouldn't haf him tie for five dollars!"

JUDICIOUS REMARK.

A NEGRO, whom Dr. Franklin brought over from America, observed, that the only gentleman in this country was the hog--"Everything work: _man_ work, _woman_ work, _horse_ work, _bullock_ work, _a.s.s_ work, _fire_ work, _water_ work, _smoke_ work, _dog_ work, _cat_ work; but the _hog_, he eat, he sleep, he do nothing all day--he be the only gentleman in England."

A KNOTTY PUN.

THE late Caleb Whitefoord, seeing a lady knotting fringe for a petticoat, asked her, what she was doing? "Knotting, Sir," replied she; "pray Mr. Whitefoord, can you knot?" He answered, "_I can-not._"

RETORT FROM A CHILD.

A VERY diminutive man, instructing his young son, told him if he neglected his learning he would never grow tall. The child observed, "Father, did you ever learn anything?"

AN APT SCHOLAR.

"JOHN, what is the past of see?"

"Seen, Sir."