The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 52

"No, John, it is saw."

"Yes, Sir, and if a _sea_-fish swims by me it becomes a _saw_-fish, when it is past and can't be _seen_."

"John, go home. Ask your mother to soak your feet in hot water, to prevent a rush of brains to the head."

CLa.s.sICAL BULL. POPE.

EIGHT callow _infants_ filled the mossy nest, _Herself the ninth._

ANOTHER. HOME.

BENEATH a mountain's brow, the most remote And _inaccessible_ by _shepherds trod_.

A ROWLAND FOR AN OLIVER.

A SAILOR examined on an a.s.sault committed on board of s.h.i.+p, was asked by the counsel, whether the plaintiff or defendant struck first. "I know nothing," said he, "of plaintiff and defendant; I only know, as I have said already, that Tom knocked Jack down with a marlinspike." "Here,"

said the counsel, "is a pretty witness, who does not know the plaintiff from the defendant!" Proceeding in his cross examination, the counsel asked where the affray happened? The answer was, "Abaft the binnacle."

"Abaft the binnacle! where's that?" "Here," said the witness, "is a pretty counsel for you, that does not know abaft the binnacle!" The counsel, not yet abashed, asked, "And pray, my witty friend, how far were you from Tom when he knocked down Jack?" "Just five feet seven inches." "You are very accurate; and how do you happen to know this so very exactly?" "I thought some fool would ask me, and so I measured it."

SLANG.

LORD MANSFIELD examining a witness, asked,

"What do you know of the defendant?"

"O! my lord, _I was up to him_."

"Up to him! what do you mean by that?"

"Mean, my lord! why, _I was down upon him_."

"Up to him and down upon him! what does the fellow mean?"

"Why I mean, my lord, _I stagged him_."

"I do not understand your language, friend."

"Lord! what a flat you must be!"

SCIENTIFIC DISTINCTIONS.

AN eminent physician, and Fellow of the Royal Society, seeing over the door of a paltry ale-house, _The Crown and Thistle_, by Malcolm Mac Tavish, M.D., F.R.S., walked in, and severely rebuked the landlord for this presumptuous insult on science. Boniface, with proper respect, but with a firmness that showed he had been a soldier, a.s.sured the doctor that he meant no insult to science. "What right then," asked he, "have you to put up those letters after your name?" "I have," answered the landlord, "as good a right to these as your honor, as _Drum Major of the Royal Scots Fusileers_."

CORPORAL PUNISHMENT.

A SOLDIER having been sentenced to receive military punishment, one of the drummers refused to inflict it, saying it was not his duty. "Not your duty, Sirrah!" said the adjutant, "what do you mean?" "I know very well," replied Tattoo, "that it is not my duty; I was present at the court martial, and heard the colonel say he was to receive _corporal_ punishment. I am no _corporal_, but only a _drummer_."

AN APOLOGY.

LIEUTENANT O'BRIEN, called _sky-rocket Jack_, was blown up in the Edgar, but saved on the carriage of a gun. Having got on board the admiral's s.h.i.+p, all dirty and wet, he said, "I hope, Sir, you will excuse my appearing before you in this dishabille, as I came away _in such a devil of a hurry_."

BLINDNESS _vs._ SIGHT.

A BLIND man having hidden a hundred guineas in the corner of his garden, a neighbor, who observed him in the act, dug them up, and took them. The blind man, missing his money, suspected who was the thief; but to accuse him would serve no purpose. He called on him, saying he wished to take his advice; that he was possessed of two hundred guineas, one hundred of which he had deposited in a secret spot; now he wished to have his opinion, whether he should conceal the remainder in the same place, or if he had better put it in the hands of a banker. The neighbor advised him, by all means, as the safest way, to hide it along with the rest, and hastened to replace what he had taken, in the hope of catching double the sum. But the blind man, having recovered his treasure, took occasion to tell his neighbor, "Blind as I am, _I can see as far into a mill-stone as you_."

A RETORT.

A SPENDTHRIFT rallying a miser, among other things, said, "I'll warrant these b.u.t.tons on your coat were your great-grandfather's." "Yes,"

answered he, "and I have likewise got my great-grandfather's lands."