The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 60

"What time do they dine in Was.h.i.+ngton, Colonel?"

"Why," said he, "common people, such as you are, get their dinners about one o'clock, but the gentry and big bugs dine at three. As for representatives we dine at four, and the aristocracy and the Senators don't get theirs till five."

"Well, when does the President fodder?" asked another.

"Old Hickory!" exclaimed the Colonel, attempting to appoint a time appropriate to the dignity of the station. "Old Hickory! well he don't dine until the next day!"

COOK'S STRIKE.

A FEW weeks ago a wealthy family in Philadelphia, having hired a cook who had been highly recommended to them, she was ordered one day to prepare among other things, a hash for dinner. The hash came and was charming--all eagerly partaking of it until the dish was sc.r.a.ped out. So popular after this did the hash of the new cook become, that it was nothing but hash every day. At last the poor cook, bringing in a large dish of it, the perspiration pouring down her face, which was red as a coal of fire, she set it down, and turned to her mistress and drawing herself up said:

"Madam, I strikes!"

"Strikes! why, what is the matter, Betty?"

"Cause, ma'am, I can't give you hash every day and forever--_me jaws is all broke down, and me teeth is all wore out, chawing it up for ye's!_"

BAD STATE.

A SCHOOLMASTER in a neighboring town, wis.h.i.+ng to discover the talents of his scholars for geography, asked one of the youngest of them, what State he lived in? To which the boy replied, "A state of sin and misery."

PRESENCE OF MIND.

A POOR fellow, in Scotland, creeping through the hedge of an orchard, with an intention to rob it, was seen by the owner, who called out to him, "Sawney, hoot, hoot, man, where are you ganging?" "Back agen," says Sawney.

EXTRAVAGANCE.

AN Irish "gintleman" had occasion to visit the South some time since.

When he returned, he remarked to a friend that the Southern people were very extravagant. Upon being asked why so, he remarked, that where he stayed they had a _candlestick_ worth eleven hundred dollars.

"Why, how in the world could it cost that much?" inquired a friend.

"Och, be gorry, it was nuthin' mor'n a big nager fellow holdin a torch for us to eat by."

SOMEWHERE.

A LADY who gave herself great airs of importance, on being introduced to a gentleman for the first time, said, with much cool indifference, "I think, Sir, I have seen you somewhere." "Very likely you may," replied the gentleman, with equal sang froid, "as I have been there very often."

GOOD SHOT.

A PHYSICIAN, who lived in London, visited a lady who resided in Chelsea.

After continuing his visits for some time, the lady expressed an apprehension that it might be inconvenient for him to come so far on her account. "Oh! by no means," replied the doctor; "I have another patient in the neighborhood, and I always set out hoping to kill two birds with one stone."

ORIENTAL WIT.

A YOUNG man, going on a journey, intrusted a hundred deenars to an old man. When he came back, the old man denied having had any money deposited with him, and he was had up before the Khazee. "Where were you, young man, when you delivered this money?" "Under a tree." "Take my seal and summon that tree," said the judge. "Go, young man, and tell the tree to come hither, and the tree will obey you when you show it my seal." The young man went in wonder. After he had been gone some time, the Khazee said to the old man, "He is long--do you think he has got there yet?" "No," said the old man; "it is at some distance; he has not got there yet." "How knowest thou, old man," cried the Khazee, "where that tree is?" The young man returned and said the tree would not come.

"He has been here, young man, and given his evidence--the money is thine."

BAD LIGHTS.

AN Irish gentleman, in company, observing that the lights were so dim as only to render the darkness visible, called out l.u.s.tily, "Here, waiter, let me have a couple of dacent candles, that I may see how those others burn."

PAIR OF SPECTACLES.

TWO brothers having been sentenced to death, one was executed first.

"See," the other brother said, "what a lamentable spectacle my brother makes! in a few minutes I shall be turned off; and then you will see a pair of spectacles."

SMART GIRL.