The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 61
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A COUNTRY girl, riding by a turnpike-road without paying toll, the gate-keeper hailed her and demanded his fee. On her demanding his authority, he referred her to his sign, where she read, "A man and horse, six cents." "Well," says she, "you can demand nothing of me, as this is but a woman and a mare."
AS a number of persons were lately relating to each other the various extraordinary incidents which had fallen within their observation, a traveler attracted their attention by the following: "As I was pa.s.sing through a forest, I heard a rustling noise in the bushes near the road: and being impelled by curiosity, I was determined to know what it was.
When I arrived at the spot, I found it was occasioned by a large stick of wood, which was so very crooked that it would not lie still."
GRACE GREENWOOD, in speaking of a certain and too fas.h.i.+onable kind of parental government, in her lecture at Cleveland, a few evenings since, told this refres.h.i.+ng little story: A gentleman told his little boy, a child of four years, to shut the gate. He made the request three times, and the youngster paid no sort of attention to it. "I have told you three times, my son, to shut the gate," said the gentleman sorrowfully.
"And I've told you _free_ times," lisped the child, "that I won't do it.
You must be stupid."
A BARBER having a dispute with a parish clerk on a point of grammar, the latter said it was a downright _barbarism, indeed_. "What!" exclaimed the other, "do you mean to insult me? _Barberism, indeed!_ I'd have you to know that a barber can speak as good grammar as a parish clerk any day in the week."
SQUIBOB'S ANTIDOTE FOR FLEAS.
THE following recipe from the writings of Miss Hannah More, may be found useful to your readers:
In a climate where the attacks of fleas are a constant source of annoyance, any method which will alleviate them becomes a _desideratum_.
It is, therefore, with pleasure I make known the following recipe, which I am a.s.sured has been tried with efficacy.
Boil a quart of tar until it becomes quite thin. Remove the clothing, and before the tar becomes perfectly cool, with a broad flat brush, apply a thin, smooth coating to the entire surface of the body and limbs. While the tar remains soft, the flea becomes entangled in its tenacious folds, and is rendered perfectly harmless; but it will soon form a hard, smooth coating, entirely impervious to his bite. Should the coating crack at the knee or elbow joints, it is merely necessary to retouch it slightly at those places. The whole coat should be renewed every three or four weeks. This remedy is sure, and having the advantage of simplicity and economy, should be generally known.
So much for Miss More. A still simpler method of preventing the attacks of these little pests, is one which I have lately discovered myself;--in theory only--I have not yet put it into practice. On feeling the bite of the flea, thrust the part bitten immediately into boiling water. The heat of the water destroys the insect and instantly removes the pain of the bite.
You have probably heard of old Parry Dox. I met him here a few days since, in a sadly seedy condition. He told me that he was still extravagantly fond of whiskey, though he was constantly "running it down." I inquired after his wife. "She is dead, poor creature," said he, "and is probably far better off than ever she was here. She was a seamstress, and her greatest enjoyment of happiness in this world was only so, so."
THE OBSEQUIOUS CARPENTER.
A CARPENTER having neglected to make a gibbet ordered, on the ground of his not having been paid for a former one, was severely rated by the sheriff. "Fellow," said he, "how dared you neglect making the gibbet that was ordered for me?" "I humbly beg your pardon," said the carpenter, "had I known that it was _for your wors.h.i.+p_, I should have left everything else to do it."
A DOUBLE ENTENDRE.
A LADY who strove by the application of washes, paint, &c., to improve her countenance, had her vanity not a little flattered by a gentleman saying, "Madam, every time I look at your face I discover some _new beauty_."
A YOUNG fellow in a coffee house venting a parcel of common place abuse on the clergy, in the presence of Mr. Sterne, and evidently leveled at him, Laurence introduced a panegyric on his dog, which he observed had no fault but one, namely, that whenever he saw a parson he fell a barking at him. "And how long," said the youth, "has he had this trick?"
"Ever since he was a _puppy_."
A GOOD TURN.
"I UNDERSTAND, Jones, that you can turn anything neater than any other man in town."
"Yes, Mr. Smith, I said so."
"Well, Mr. Jones, I don't like to brag, but there is no man on earth that can turn a thing as well as I can whittle it, Mr. Jones. Jest name the article that I can't whittle, that you can turn, and I'll give you a dollar if I don't do it to the satisfaction of those gentlemen present."
"Well, Mr. Smith, suppose we take two grindstones, just for a trial, you may whittle and I'll turn."
SHUTER, one day meeting a friend with his coat patched at the elbow, observed, he should be ashamed of it. "How so?" said the other, "it is not the first time I have seen you _out at the elbows_." "Very true,"
replied Ned, "I should think nothing of exhibiting twenty holes; a hole is the _accident of the day_; but a patch is _premeditated poverty_."
The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun Part 61
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