Humours of Irish Life Part 53

"Yes?"

"It wouldn't go, so I give a knock. 'Who's there?' says she. 'No one,'

says I; 'it's only hot wather I'm bringin' you,' for, you see, sir, the ould missis, her ladys.h.i.+p, was in the next room, and she's not as deaf as she looks, and it's afraid I was, every minnit, her door'd open, and she and her ear-trumpet come out in the pa.s.sidge. 'I have hot wather,'

says she. 'Niver mind,' says I, 'this is betther. Open the door, for the love of G.o.d, for I can't get it under the door, unless I rowl it up and shove it through the keyhole.' Wid that she opens the door a crack and shoves her head out. 'Who's it from?' she says. 'I don't know,' says I; 'it's just a letther I found on the stairs I thought might belong to you.' 'Thanks,' says she, 'it does,' and wid that she shut the door, and I left her."

"Well, see here, Patsy!"

"Yes, sir?"

"I'm going to marry Miss Lestrange."

"Faith, and I guessed that," said Patsy; "and it's I that'd be joyful to dance at your weddin', sir."

"There won't be any dancing in the business," said Mr. Fanshawe, grimly.

"You know Mr. Boxall, Patsy?"

"The Mimber of Parlymint?"

"Yes. Well, he wants to marry Miss Lestrange; and the worst of it is, Patsy, that my uncle, General Grampound, wants him to marry her, too."

"Yes, sir," said Patsy. "And, Mr. Fanshawe?"

"Yes."

"I forgot to tell you, sir, you needn't be afear'd of Mr. Boxall for the next few days."

"How's that?"

"When Bob Mahony hit him the skelp on the head wid the sut bag, his eye popped out of his head on the road."

"His what?--Oh, I remember--"

"Finders is keepers, sir," said Patsy, with a grin.

"Why, good heavens--you don't mean to say--"

"I've got his eye in my pocket, sir," said Patsy, in a hoa.r.s.e whisper.

"He's sint a telygram for another wan but till it comes he's tethered to his bed like a horse to a--"

"That's enough--that's enough," said Mr. Fanshawe. "Here's half a crown for you, Patsy, for--carrying my cartridges."

The Ballygullion Creamery Society, Limited.

_From "Ballygullion."_

BY LYNN DOYLE.

'Twas the man from the Department of Agriculture comin' down to give a lecture on poultry an' dairy-farmin', that set the ball a-rollin'.

The whole farmers av the counthry gathered in to hear him, an' for days afther it was over, there was no talk at all barrin' about hens an'

crame, an' iverybody had a schame av their own to propose.

Ould Miss Armitage ap at the Hall was on for encouragin'

poultry-farmin'; an' give a prize for the best layin' hen in Ballygullion, that riz more scunners in the counthry than the twelfth av July itself. There was a powerful stir about it, an' near iverybody enthered.

Deaf Pether of the Bog's wife was an easy winner if her hen hadn't died, an' nothin' would satisfy her but it was poisoned; though divil a all killed it but the gorges of Indian male the ould woman kept puttin'

intil it.

Ivery time the hen laid she give it an extra dose of male, "to encourage the crather," as she said; an' wan day it laid a double-yolked wan, she put a charge intil it that stretched it out stiff in half-an-hour.

Afther that there was no doubt but Larry Thomas's wife would win the prize; for, before the end av the month Miss Armitage had allowed for the test, her hen was above a dozen ahead av iverybody else's.

Howiver, when it came to the countin' there was a duck-egg or two here an' there among the lot that nayther Mrs. Thomas nor the hen could well account for, so the both of thim was disqualified.

An' whin it came to the bit, an' Mrs. Archy Doran won the prize, she counted up an' made out that between corn an' male, she had paid away double the value of it, so she wasn't very well plazed; an' thim that had spent near as much on feedin'-stuff, an' had got no prize, was worse plazed still.

The only one that came out av it well was Miss Armitage herself; for she kept all the eggs, an' made above twice the prize-money out av thim. But there was n.o.body else as well plazed about that as she was.

So all round the hen business was a failure; an' it looked as if there was nothin' goin' to come of the lecture at all.

However, iverybody thought it would be a terrible pity if Ballygullion should be behind the other places; an' at last there was a move made to start a cramery, an' a committee was got up to set things goin'.

At first the most av us thought they got the crame in the ould-fas.h.i.+oned way, just be skimmin'; but presently it begin to be talked that it was all done be machinery. Some av us was very dubious about that; for sorrow a bit could we see how it was to be done Thomas McGorrian maintained it would be done wi' blades like the knives av a turnip-cutter, that it would just shave the top off the milk, an' sweep it intil a pan; but then he couldn't well explain how they'd avoid shavin' the top off the milk-dish, too.

Big Billy Lenahan swore it was done with a worm like a still; but, although we all knowed Billy was well up on potheen, there was few had iver seen him havin' much to do wi' milk; so n.o.body listened to him.

At last the Committee detarmined they'd have a dimonsthration; and they trysted the Department man to bring down his machine an' show how it was done; for all iv thim was agin spendin' money on a machine till they were satisfied it would do its work.

The dimonsthration was to be held in Long Tammas McGorrian's barn, an'

on the night set above forty av us was there. We all sat round in a half-ring, on chairs an' stools, an' any other conthrivance we could get, for all the world like the Christy Minstrels that comes to the Market House av a Christmas.

The dimonsthrator had rigged up a belt to Tammas's thres.h.i.+n'-machine, an' run it from that to the separator, as he called it.

The separator itself was a terrible disappointin' conthrivance at the first look, an' no size av a thing at all for the money they said it cost. But whin the dimonsthrator begin to tell us what it would do, an'

how by just pourin' the milk intil a metal ball an' bizzin' it round, ye could make the crame come out av one hole, an' the milk out av another, we began to think more av it.

n.o.body liked to spake out wi' the man there, but there was a power av whisperin'.

"It's a mighty quare conthrivance," sez wan.

"Did ye iver see the like av it?" sez another.

"Boy-a-boys," sez James Dougherty, "the works av man is wonderful. If my ould grandmother could see this, it would break her heart. 'Twas herself was the handy dairy-woman, too; but what'd she be till a machine?"

But most av thim wouldn't say one thing or another till they seen it workin'; an', 'deed, we were all wis.h.i.+n' he'd begin. We had to thole, though; for the dimonsthrator was a b.u.mptious wee man, an' very fond av the sound av his own voice, an' kept talkin' away wi' big, long words that n.o.body knowed the manin' av but himself, till we were near deaved.