Humours of Irish Life Part 54

So we were powerful glad whin he sez to Mrs. McGorrian: "Now, Madam, if you'll be good enough to bring in the milk, I will proceed to give an actual demonstration."

But Mrs. McGorrian is a quiet wee woman, an' wi' all the crowd there, an' him callin' her Madam, she was too backward to get up out av the corner she was in; an' she nudges Tammas to go, tellin' him where to get the milk.

So Tammas goes out, an' presently he staggers in wi' a big crock in his arms, an' sets it down.

"Now," sez the demonsthrator, "if you'll just get the horses goin', an'

pour the milk into that receptacle, I'll start the separator working."

Tammas in wi' the milk, an' the wee son whips up the horses outside, an'

away goes the separator bizzin' like a hive av bees.

"In a few seconds, gentlemen and ladies," sez the dimonsthrator, "you will see the milk come out here, an' the cream here. Kindly pay attention, please."

But he needn't have spoke; for iverybody was leanin' forrard, holdin'

their breath, an' there wasn't a sound to be heard but the hummin' of the separator.

Presently there comes a sort av a thick trickle out av the milk-hole, but divil a dhrap av crame.

The dimonsthrator gathered up his brow a bit at that, an' spakes out av the barn windy to Tammas's wee boy to dhrive faster. The separator hums harder than iver, but still no crame. Wan begin to look at the other, an' some av the wimmen at the back starts gigglin'.

The dimonsthrator begin to get very red an' fl.u.s.thered-lookin'. "Are ye sure this milk is fresh an' hasn't been skimmed?" he sez to Tammas, very sharp.

"What do you say, Mary?" sez Tammas, lookin' over at the wife. "Sartin, sir," sez Mrs. Tammas. "It's just fresh from the cows this very evenin'."

"Most extraordinary," sez the dimonsthrator, rubbin' his hair till it was all on end. "I've niver had such an experience before."

"It's the way Tammas feeds his cows," sez Big Billy Lenahan from the back; "sure, iverybody knows he gives them nothin' but shavin's."

There was a sn.i.g.g.e.r av a laugh at this; for Tammas was well known to be no great feeder av cattle.

But Tammas wasn't to be tuk down so aisy.

"Niver mind, Billy," sez he; "av you were put on shavin's for a week or two, ye'd maybe see your boots again before you died."

There was another laugh at this, an' that started a bit av jokin' all round--a good dale av it at the dimonsthrator; till he was near beside himself. For, divil a dhrop av crame had put in an appearance yet.

All at wanst he stoops down close to the milk.

"Bring me a candle here," sez he, very sharp.

Tammas reaches over a sconce off the wall. The dimonsthrator bends over the can, then dips the point av his finger in it, an' puts it in his mouth.

"What's this?" sez he, lookin' very mad at Tammas. "This isn't milk at all."

"Not milk," sez Tammas. "It must be milk. I got it where you tould me, Mary."

The wife gets up an' pushes forward. First she takes a look at the can av the separator, an' thin wan at the crock.

"Ye ould fool," she sez to Tammas; "ye've brought the whitewash I mixed for the dairy walls!"

I'll say this for the dimonsthrator, he was a game wee fellow; for the divil a wan laughed louder than he did, an' that's sayin' something; but sorrow a smile Tammas cracked, but stood gapin' at the wife wi' his mouth open; an' from the look she gave him back, there was some av us thought she was, maybe, more av a tarther than she looked.

Though troth 'twas no wondher she was angry, for the joke wint round the whole counthry, an' Tammas gets nothin' but "Whitewash McGorrian" iver since.

Howaniver, they got the machine washed out, an' the rale milk intil it, an' there was no doubt it worked well. The wee dimonsthrator was as plazed as Punch, an' ivery body wint away well satisfied, an' set on havin' a cramery as soon as it could be got started.

First av all they wint round an' got the names av all thim that was goin' to join in; an' the explainin' of the schame took a dale av a time. The co-operatin' bothered them intirely.

The widow Doherty she wasn't goin' to join an' put in four cows' milk, she said, whin she'd only get as much out av it as Mrs. Donnelly, across the field, that had only two. Thin, whin they explained to the widow that she'd get twice as much, ould mother Donnelly was clane mad; for she'd thought she was goin' to get the betther av the widow.

Thin there was tarrible bother over barrin' out wee Mrs. Morley, because she had only a goat. Some was for lettin' her in; but the gineral opinion was that it would be makin' too little av the Society.

Howiver, all was goin' brave an' paceable till ould Michael Murray, the ould dunderhead, puts in his oar.

Michael was a divil of a man for pace-makin', an' riz more rows than all the county, for all that; for whin two dacent men had a word or two av a fair-day, maybe whin the drink was in them, an' had forgot all about it, the next day ould Michael would come round to make it up, an' wi' him mindin' them av what had pa.s.sed, the row would begin worse than iver.

So, whin all was set well agoin', an' the committee met to call a gineral meetin' av the Society, ould Michael he gets up an' says what a pity it would be if the Society would be broke up wi' politics or religion; an' he proposed that they should show there was no ill-feelin'

on either side by holdin' this giniral meetin' in the Orange Hall, an'

the nixt in the United Irish League rooms. He named the Orange Hall first, he said, because he was a Nationalist himself, an' a Home Ruler, an' always would be.

There was one or two Orangemen beginnin' to look mighty fiery at the tail-end av Michael's speech, an' there's no tellin' what would a'

happened if the chairman hadn't whipped in an' said that Michael's was a very good idea, an' he thought they couldn't do betther than folly it up.

So, right enough, the first gineral meetin' was held in the Ballygullion Orange Hall.

Iverything was very quiet an' agreeable, except that some av the red-hot Nationalists kept talkin' quare skellys at a flag in the corner wi'

King William on it, stickin' a man in a green coat wi' his sword.

But, as fortune would have it, little Billy av the Bog, the sthrongest wee Orangeman in Ulsther, comes in at half-time as dhrunk as a fiddler, sits down on a form an' falls fast asleep. An' there he snored for the most av half an hour, till near the end av the meetin', whin the chairman was makin' a speech, there was a bit av applause, an' ap starts Billy all dazed. First he looked up an' seen King William on the flag.

Thin hearin' the chairman's voice, he gives a stamp wi' his fut on the flure, an' a "hear, hear," wi' a mortial bad hiccup between the "hears."

The wee man thought he was at a lodge-meetin'.

All av a sudden he sees ould Michael Murray, an', beside him, Tammas McGorrian.

Wi' that he lepps to his feet like a shot, dhrunk as he was, an' hits the table a terrible lick wi' his fist.

"Stap, brethren," sez he, glarin' round the room.

"Stap! There's Papishes present."

Ye niver seen a meetin' quicker broke up than that wan. Half the men was on their feet in a minit, an' the other half pullin' thim down be the coat-tails. Iverybody was talkin' at the wan time, some av thim swearin'

they'd been insulted, an' others thryin' to make pace.

Thin the wimmin begin to scrame an' hould back men from fightin' that had no notion av it at the start, an' only begin to think av it whin they were sure they wouldn't be let.

Altogether there was the makin's of as fine a fight as iver ye seen in your life.

However, there was a lot of dacent elderly men on both sides, and wi'