Good Stories Reprinted from the Ladies' Home Journal of Philadelphia Part 9

_What She Would Like_

A little girl stood in a city meat-market waiting for some one to attend to her wants. Finally the proprietor was at liberty, approached her and said benignantly, "Is there anything you would like, little girl?"

"Oh, yes, sir, please: I want a diamond ring, and a seal-skin sacque, a real foreign n.o.bleman, and a pug dog, and a box at the opera, and, oh, ever so many other things; but all Ma wants is ten cents' worth of bologna."

_The Highest Price in the Store_

A rich American woman visited a j.a.panese art shop in Paris. It happened to be a dull, dark afternoon. She looked at the bronzes, jewels, drawings and other things, and finally, pointing toward a dusky corner, she said to the polite young salesman: "How much is that j.a.panese idol over there worth?"

The salesman bowed, and answered: "About five hundred thousand francs, madam. It is the proprietor."

_From Different Points_

"Father, you were born in California, you say?"

"Yes, my son."

"And mother was born in New York ?"

"Yes."

"And I was born in Indiana?"

"Yes, my boy."

"Well, father, don't it beat the Dutch how we all got together!"

_So Son: So Father_?

A small boy who had been very naughty was first reprimanded, then told that he must take a whipping. He flew upstairs and hid in the far corner under a bed. Just then the father came home. The mother told him what had occurred. He went upstairs and proceeded to crawl under the bed toward the youngster, who whispered excitedly, "h.e.l.lo, Pop, is she after you, too?"

_How Could He_?

"Papa" was becoming impatient at the lateness of the hour when he remarked: "I can't see why that young fellow who is calling on Minnie hasn't sense enough to go home. It's near midnight."

"The dear little brother" of the family just then came in, heard his father's remark, and ventured some light:

"He can't go, father. Sister's sitting on him."

_Couldn't Leave Town_

A lawyer had a horse that always balked when he attempted to cross a certain bridge leading out of the village. No amount of whipping or urging would induce him to cross it, so he advertised him for sale: "To be sold for no other reason than that the owner would like to leave town."

_He Knew His Father_

"Suppose," said a father to his little boy, "you have half an apple and I give you another half. How much have you?"

"A whole apple," said the boy.

"Well," continued the father, "suppose you had a half dollar and I gave you another half dollar. What would you have then?"

"A fit," promptly answered the boy.

_A Valuable Office Boy_

The employer was bending over a table, looking at the directory. The new office boy slipped up quietly and poked a note into his hand. The surprised employer opened it, and read:

"Honored Sir--Yer pants is ripped."

_She Had a Question to Ask_

A certain prominent dry-goods merchant is also a Sunday-school superintendent. Not long since he devoted the last few moments of the weekly session to an impressive elucidation of the parable of the Prodigal Son, and afterward asked with due solemnity if any one of the "little gleaners" present desired to ask a question. Sissy Jones's hand shot up.

"Very well," he said, designating her with a benevolent finger and a bland smile, "what is it you would like to know, Cecilia?"

"Please, what's the price of them little pink parasols in your show-window?"

_The Only Time When He Does_

A "Subscriber" once wrote to an editor and asked: "Please tell me, does a man in running around a tree go before or behind himself?"

The editor answered:

"That depends. If he is trying to catch himself, necessarily he follows himself, and consequently goes behind. If, on the contrary, he is running away from himself, the deduction leads to the very obvious conclusion that he precedes himself, and consequently goes before. If he succeeds in catching up with himself, and pa.s.ses himself, at the moment of pa.s.sing he neither precedes nor follows himself, but both he and himself are running even. This is the only case where he does not go before or behind himself."

_In the Absence of a Tip_

"Excuse me, madam, would you mind walking the other way and not pa.s.sing the horse?" said an English cabman with exaggerated politeness to the fat lady who had just paid a minimum fare, with no fee.