Three Hats Part 2

FRED. Where does he live?

SEL. There's the rub, for it does not give his _address_ inside his hat, only his _name_! Now comes my need of _your_ help. Go and buy the _London Directory_, and with this hat in one hand and that apology in the other call on all the Tompkins's in the town!

FRED (protestingly). Oh! I say, you know----(Rises and goes, L.)

SEL. (rises and goes, R.). What! Would you refuse? Oh, that I ever should have allowed a man to save my life who would afterward deny me such a simple favor as this!

FRED. Look here, can't you send a servant?

SEL. What? Entrust my secret to a mercenary? Frederick Bellamy, _did_ you save my life, or did you not?

FRED (sulkily). I did!

SEL. Did I _ask_ you to do so?

FRED. No, considering you were at the bottom of a pond at the time you couldn't!

SEL. You should have left me there if you only dived in to drag me on sh.o.r.e to witness your ingrat.i.tude.

FRED. Oh, bother! I suppose I must; where's the infernal stovepipe?

SEL. (joyfully). I _knew_ you would a.s.sist me and in return I'll tell you something (whispering)--look out for a surprise!

(Aside.) Poor fellow, I know he adores my daughter and thinks to let concealment like a thingamy in the bud feed on his damask cheek! (Effusively.) Bless you, my boy!

FRED (aside). I wish he wouldn't look so confoundedly affectionate.

SEL. Now you understand? Here's the letter and there's the hat. (Putting them into his hands.) I'm off to dress while _you_ go and buy a directory!

FRED. Buy a directory! I don't want to buy a directory!

I _hate_ directories!

SEL. You should have thought of that before you saved my life.

(Exit SELWYN, R. U. E.

FRED. I have had three months of this sort of thing. I came to London for pleasure and I have suffered slavery ever since. I hadn't been in town two days when looking over the Serpentine Bridge I beheld a man struggling in the water. I was weak enough to rescue him, and he immediately proved so oppressively grateful that I have never been able to escape from his clutches from that day to this. I would have gone back to Bristol long ago, but there's my dear little Lottie Blithers to whom I am secretly married and whom I would not desert for untold gold. She keeps a glove shop in Bond street and I pa.s.s most of my time in purchasing her stock in trade. This sort of thing can't go on much longer!

SEL. (re-entering, R. U. E.). What! Not gone yet? Suppose my wife were to return or that Tompkins should turn up.

FRED (protesting). That's all very well, but----?

SEL. There's no time for "b.u.t.ting" now!

FRED. d.a.m.n it! You don't want me to go without a coat, do you? (He places on the escritoire the hat that SELWYN had given him and goes off into his room, L. 2 E.)

SEL. (speaking to him off). _Do_ make haste, there's a good fellow! (Aside.) I _knew_ he wouldn't be ungrateful. I knew that he wouldn't forget that I had saved his life, no, I mean that _he_ had saved _mine_! (Calling off, L.) Ain't you ready? (Aside.) He shall be repaid for this! One of these days. I shall be able to grasp him by the hand and say--(calling off.) What the devil are you doing?

Re-enter FRED, L. 2 E.

FRED. Don't shout! Here I am!

SEL. At last!

Enter DIBBS, quickly, R. 2 E.

DIBBS. There's a cab just driven up to the door, sir. I think it's the missus!

SEL. (to FRED). Off you go! You have the letter? (Going, L.) Not that way, you will meet her! Remember the directory, and above all don't forget the name "Tompkins." It's engraven in letters of enormous size on my heart. Get the same done on yours!

(Exit FRED, door at back.

SEL. Now to hoodwink the wife! (Sitting down and taking newspaper). I must meet her eye without flinching. (Enter MRS. SELWYN and GRACE, at door in flat.) Ah, my dear, _so_ glad to see you back! (He kisses wife and daughter.)

MRS. S. Have you been dull, Sam dear!

SEL. (most emphatically). Dull! _Miserable!_ Regularly downright, positively wretched.

MRS. S. I didn't expect to find you up so soon as this.

SEL. No! I shouldn't have been only--only----(Searching for an excuse.)

DIBBS (chiming in, R.). Only the master went to bed so _early_ last night!

SEL. (aside to DIBBS). Shut up!

DIBBS (aside to SELWYN). Leave it to me, governor. I'll pull you through!

MRS. S. For all that, you look anything but well, you are quite pale and haggard--it's a most extraordinary thing that whenever I go to aunt's for a day or two I always find you looking bad when I return.

SEL. (forcing smile). Yes! it's the--the----

DIBBS (striking in). It's the toothache!

GRACE (sympathetically). Oh! papa dear, have you had the toothache?

SEL. Yes, my dear. (Aside; vexed.) He's given me the toothache now! I'll give _him_ something presently! (Aloud.) Ah, and how is your aunt, dear aunt Betty? Is the gout in her foot better?

MRS. S. Gout! You mean her asthma!

SEL. Gout--asthma! Asthma--gout, just the same, it's only a detail! All through my indigestion; it affects my memory.

Had it awful!

MRS. S. Oh! I am _so_ sorry, dear! You _are_ looking queer!

Can we do anything, for you?

SEL. Yes, no, it's the weather--so hot, you know.

MRS. S. Hot! I thought it chilly!