Three Hats Part 3

SEL. Ah! It may have been chilly where you were, it's been warm _here_. In fact, yesterday was the warmest day I remember!

GRACE (aside to MRS. SELWYN). Don't forget to tell him all about Corney!

MRS. S. (aside to GRACE). Presently, child.

GRACE. He may be here at any moment, you know! (GRACE up C. at window.)

MRS. S. (close behind SELWYN). Sam, do _you_ know a Mr.

Tompkins?

SEL. (paralyzed by the suddenness of the question). Tom--Tom Tompkins! (Aside.) Has she found me out?

MRS. S. (quietly). No, dear, not Tom Tompkins--Horace Tompkins.

SEL. I never saw, heard of, or spoke to a person of that name in all my life!

MRS. S. He's the new society poet and author of Midnight Moans. I hear they've made quite a noise!

SEL. No doubt, but I'm not partial to moans.

MRS. S. The book was only lent me for an hour, and I am so interested that I want Frederick to go out and buy a copy.

GRACE (aside, C., rather vexed). I think ma might speak to pa about Captain Katskill instead of her stupid poetry!

SEL. Fred! Oh! He'll soon get it for you! Stop, though, I forgot, he's gone out!

MRS. S. So early?

SEL. Yes. (To MRS. SELWYN, L.)

MRS. S. Ah! here he is back again!

Enter FRED quickly, at back, out of breath and with large Directory under his arm. He puts down Directory.

SEL. (Aside). He surely cannot have tracked that Tompkins to his lair already?

FRED. Good morning, Mrs. Selwyn, hope you have enjoyed your trip. (To SELWYN, aside). I say, old fellow, I forgot it after all!

SEL. (aside to FRED). Forgot what?

FRED (aside). The hat!

SEL. Horror, where did you leave it?

FRED (aside). Here! (Points to hat just as MRS. SELWYN casually picks it up.)

MRS. S. Who's is this? (Looking inside.) Tompkins!

SEL. (aside to FRED). Claim it!

FRED (to MRS. SELWYN). It's mine!

SEL. (excitedly). Yes, it's Fred's. (He s.n.a.t.c.hes it and claps it on FRED'S head, being too large it "bonnets" him.)

MRS. S. (in astonishment). Surely, it cannot be!

DIBBS (coming between MR. SELWYN and MRS. SELWYN, aside).

I must pull them through again, or they'll make a mess of it!

(Aloud.) No, sir, _this_ is the hat you brought from the club last night! I know it well, ma'am, name of Tompkins inside--the master left his own behind and brought this one home instead!

Mr. Bellamy was only taking of it back. (Winks at MR. SELWYN; aside.)

SEL. (relieved; aside). This boy's a lovely liar! (Aloud.) Yes!

FRED. Yes!

MRS. S. Why not have said so at first, dear?

SEL. Oh, I was going to, but Dibbs put me out! (Aside to DIBBS.) You shall have a sovereign for that taradiddle!

DIBBS (aside to SELWYN). It was _the truth_!

SEL. So it was! I withdraw my generous offer.

MRS. S. (rapturously gazing at hat). And to think that hat has probably covered the head of the author of "Midnight Moans."

FRED (aside to SELWYN). Do you know how many Tompkins's there are in the directory? Two hundred and eighty-nine!

SEL. (taken aback). Two hundred and eighty-nine?

MRS. S. Where does the poet Tompkins live!

SEL. (repeating mechanically). Two hundred and eighty-nine!

MRS. S. Two hundred and eighty-nine--in what street?

SEL. Street--what street?

MRS. S. Why the street where Mr. Tompkins lives!

FRED. Well, I don't know exactly.

MRS. S. You don't know! Then how could you be going to take it back?

FRED (aside to SELWYN). What shall I say?

DIBBS (aside). They want _me_ again! (Aloud.) Oh! ma'am, Mr. Bellamy was going to take it to the club--Mr. Tompkins's address is sure to be known there!

(Exit, R. U. E.