Three Hats Part 6

MRS. S. Do I disturb you?

BLITH. Not at all, ma'am, its only about----

SEL. (anxiously interrupting). Somebody is calling you, dear!

MRS. S. I don't think so! (To BLITHERS.) What were you saying, sir?

BLITH. It's merely a mistake about a hat.

SEL. (aside). Would it were down his throat!

BLITH. I want my own in exchange!

MRS. S. Of course, my husband explained all about it, in fact, he was going to send it back!

SEL. (anxious to get rid of him). Oh, yes! You may rely on having it sent back, so if you will----(points to door, BLITHERS is about to go.)

MRS. S. No! The gentleman had better wait now. Pray sit down, sir, Mr. Bellamy will return soon with your hat.

BLITH. Oh, thank you, ma'am! (Crosses R., to table.)

MRS. S. He does not _look_ like a poet, but who can judge by outward appearances?

BLITH. (aside). Why does she examine me so minutely? This is a funny family!

MRS. S. I presume you belong to the same club as my husband, since you exchanged hats.

BLITH. Oh, no! I don't belong----

SEL. (aside to BLITHERS). Don't deny it unless you would ruin me.

BLITH. (aside). I see! He doesn't want it known that he dined out at the Dobbinson's last night!

MRS. S. (sentimentally to BLITHERS). I wish ladies were allowed to frequent clubs. I would give the world to mix amongst authors, painters and poets. (Pointedly.) Oh, how I have longed to know a real live poet!

BLITH. I dare say, ma'am!

MRS. S. (aside). He seemed to start at the word! I will draw him out! (Aloud.) I have read your last book, and oh! it is delightful!

BLITH. (aside). She means my "Treatise on Penmans.h.i.+p."

(Aloud.) I have had many testimonials from former pupils!

MRS. S. (aside). A poet take pupils! (Aloud.) Do you really mean to say you can teach people to write as beautifully as you do?

BLITH. (proudly). Much better! My hand is not so steady as it was twenty years ago!

MRS. S. I am indeed glad to have met you, I once saw the top of Alfred Tennyson's head from a balcony, and Swinburne's boots outside his door at a Parisian hotel, but I never actually _spoke_ to a great writer before!

BLITH. Oh, ma'am, you make me blus.h.!.+

MRS. S. Do I? (Rapturously.) Blush on, oh! blush on, genius of the goosequill!

BLITH. I never use them! Give me a good "Falcon" pen.

MRS. S. Would it be too much to ask you to spare me one of your old pens--one with which you had dashed off some sweet sonnet!

BLITH. (aside, uneasily). There's lunacy in the family!

MRS. S. I have known many Tompkins's, but all were common creatures.

BLITH. (aside). What does she mean? (Aloud.) No doubt, mum, so have I!

MRS. S. Would you, I tremble to ask it, but, oh!--would you mind writing something in my poor little alb.u.m?

BLITH. (hesitating). Well, mum----

MRS. S. I know it's asking too much--but just one line--one little line!

BLITH. Well, while I was about it, I might as well dash off a page or two!--you know I have several styles. (Flouris.h.i.+ng hand as if holding pen.)

MRS. S. I know! I know! Liquid lava runs from your pen as fluently as icy sarcasm. Excuse me one moment. (Aside.) I will fetch my alb.u.m and get him to compose an impromptu while he is in the mood.

(Exit MRS. SELWYN, R. 2 E.

SEL. (gratefully). Thanks for your generous silence! Had my wife an inkling about the events of yesterday my future would be blasted. Where do you live, sir?

BLITH. Oh! In Bond street--same place where you have sent my hat.

SEL. (anxiously). Time is short now, but to-morrow I will call and make every reparation in my power, if an apology will be accepted.

BLITH. Apology! (Aside.) How very polite! (Aloud.) No!

no apology! (SELWYN attempts to follow him.) No. I'll not hear of it! (Very blandly.) Good morning!

(Exit, door at back.

SEL. (sinking into chair, R.). No apology! I see he's bent on blood! How I hate these deliberate duelists that never show the pa.s.sion that sways their innermost souls! (Starting up.) What shall I do?

Enter MRS. SELWYN with book, R.

MRS. S. Here's the alb.u.m, Mr. Tom--(Looking round.) Oh!

Sam, why did you let him go? He may never call again!

SEL. I hope not!

MRS. S. (piqued). If _you_ don't care for poetry _I_ do! (Going to where BLITHERS sat.) This chair shall not be used by unappreciative persons--I will have the seat taken out and framed!

Enter TILLY, at back.

TILLY. Please, sir, there's a young gentleman in the hall wants to speak to you; this is his card!