Three Hats Part 7

(Exit TILLY.

Enter GRACE, R. 2 E.

SEL. (taking card). "Captain Cornelius Katskill." I am not at home, I never shall be at home again; what does he want?

MRS. S. (aside to SELWYN). Oh, Sam, I forgot to tell you after all. It's the young Irish officer we met at the Claremonts' and who was so attentive to Grace, in fact, I fully expect he has called to ask permission to consider himself formally engaged to her.

SEL. Grace engaged! What nonsense; she _is_ engaged, isn't she?

GRACE (indignantly). No, papa!

SEL. Yes, you are! Or you are going to be, which is just the same, to my friend Fred Bellamy. I must repay him for saving my life!

GRACE. "Pay," papa! You talk of me as though I were a cheque instead of a child! I don't _love_ Mr. Bellamy!

SEL. Not love him! He saved your father's life, and you dare to say you don't love him; this is the grat.i.tude of girls!

(Crosses to L.)

GRACE. I can't--I can't; for I love somebody else.

SEL. Somebody else! You mustn't, can't, won't, don't, or shan't love somebody else!

GRACE. Yes, I do!

MRS. S. Yes, she does, and you wouldn't be brute enough to coerce her young affections, would you?

SEL. (savagely). Yes, I would! Young affections! Young fiddlesticks! (Crosses, R.)

MRS. S. (going L., consoling GRACE). Never mind, my child, your father is without poetry! and consequently without feeling!

Ugh! you brute.

(Exeunt GRACE and MRS. SELWYN, L. U. E.

SEL. I will never sacrifice my Frederick! Never! Never!

(Calling.) Dibbs!

Enter DIBBS, L. U. E.

DIBBS. Yessir!

SEL. Give the gentleman his card back, tell him to call again next year, say that we have got the sweeps or the measles in the house, at any rate get him to go! Where's my felt hat?

DIBBS. Billyc.o.c.k, sir? Yessir!

(Exit DIBBS, R. U. E.

SEL. (aside). Let me see, I must call on this bloodthirsty poet to begin with--Dibbs! Where's that felt hat?

Enter DIBBS with felt hat and umbrella.

DIBBS. Here you are, sir! and here's a letter, sir, just brought by a commissionaire--marked important, he says it's from a young lady.

SEL. Give it to me! (Reading envelope.) "Fred Bellamy, Esq." perhaps its from the girl to whom I gave his name last night! Shall I open it? Yes! He saved my life, and from that moment he gave me the right to----(Reading.) Great Scott!

"Bond street. Darling, Come to me at once! I have told father all about it; he is not so angry as I expected! Remember what you said last night! Come--straight to him as you promised and explain all.--Your loving LOTTIE. P. S.--If you don't come, I shall call on you, as of course there will be no occasion for secrecy _now_, so you won't want me to keep away!" This is a nice state of things! I must go to her.

Where does she live? (Looking at letter.) Bond street! It's an elongated thoroughfare, but never mind, I _must_ find her or her appearance here would cause me to contemplate suicide!

(He puts down letter on table; springs up and down as if looking for something; he unconsciously puts on hat.) First, I must go to Bond street, and apologize to this "Lottie," then I must call on the pa.s.sionate poet and explain--no, I'm mixing them up. It's the poet I have to apologize to and the girl I have got to keep quiet!

Dibbs, where is my hat? (Looks all over room.)

DIBBS. I gave it to you, sir--why, you have got it on!

SEL. So I have! (While they have been looking for hat, MRS.

SELWYN has come in L. U. E. and carelessly taken up open letter SELWYN put down; as she reads her expression changes from indifference to anger. SELWYN turns and sees her, then stands aghast. Music piano until end of act; then forte.)

MRS. S. (severely). Whose is this? (Holding up letter, C.)

SEL. Mine! I mean--yours! (DIBBS laughs; SELWYN pelts him.)

MRS. S. (sobbing). You men are all alike, I'll have a divorce!

SEL. (at his wits end). Allow me to explain!

DIBBS (aside). Leave it to me! (Crosses to C. aloud.) Please, mum, _it's mine_!

MRS. S. (drying her tears). I believe neither of you!

SEL. (indignantly). Dibbs, how dare you tell your mistress such a villainous falsehood! You will end your days in an editor's office if you go on like this. My dear, I will tell you the _truth_--it's _not_ mine, but Fred's!

MRS. S. Prove it!

SEL. Look at the envelope! (Picking up envelope from floor, where he has previously thrown it.) Same hand, see! (Aside.) Poor Fred! I have had to throw you overboard to save the s.h.i.+p!

MRS. S. (examining envelope and letter). Yes, it is the same writing. The reprobate! _Now_, I suppose you don't want Grace to marry him! (Bitterly.)

SEL. Yes, I do!

MRS. S. (firmly). Mr. Bellamy leaves this house to-morrow!

SEL. He shan't!

MRS. S. He shall! (Quarrel worked up between them until MRS. SELWYN in great pa.s.sion seizes an umbrella to strike at SELWYN; he avoids the blow, and BLITHERS entering C., quickly at moment, still with tall hat in hand, receives it full on top of his head. BLITHERS turns and flies in dismay at his reception. MRS. SELWYN faints. DIBBS dances with joy at everybody's discomfiture.)

QUICK ACT DROP.

ACT II.