Three Hats Part 8

SCENE:--The same; MRS. SELWYN is discovered seated at secretaire writing; GRACE looking over her shoulder.

MRS. S. That will do, I think! (Strikes bell.)

Enter DIBBS.

DIBBS. Yes'm!

MRS. S. Dibbs, I have a somewhat confidential errand to send you upon. You know the young gentleman who sent in his card this morning?

DIBBS. Yes, ma'am--good looking gent--touch of the brogue about him!

MRS. S. That's right! Take this letter to the address upon it, and give it into his own hands--remember, _his own hands_.

DIBBS. Suttingly, mum! (Going towards door.)

MRS. S. And, Dibbs,--ahem--you need not mention your errand to my husband.

DIBBS. Not for the world, ma'am. (Aside.) Another secret!

If this don't get me a rise at the end of the month nothing will!

(Exit at back.

GRACE. It _is_ good of you, mamma, to help us at a time when papa seems so unreasonable--I will never have Mr. Bellamy, never!

MRS. S. You never shall, my darling, but hush, here comes one of the enemy. (They sit, one on R., the other on L.)

Enter FRED still with Directory and hat in his hands; he falls exhausted in arm chair.

FRED. Pouf! A nice time I have had of it! (Seeing ladies and coming C.) Oh! I beg pardon, Mrs. Selwyn and Miss Grace!

(They take no notice of him.) They don't hear me apparently!

(Aloud.) It's very cool to-day, don't you think so? (They turn their backs on him and give him the cut direct; MRS. SELWYN, R., GRACE, L.) This is strange! May I ask if Mr. Selwyn has gone out? (They remain silent.) Is this a joke or a new parlor game? (Speaking loudly.) I beg pardon, but is Mr. Selwyn at home?

MRS. S. (turning towards him with icy coldness). Were you addressing _us_, Mr. Bellamy?

FRED. Yes! that was my intention!

MRS. S. I am surprised you should dare to show your face here!

GRACE. Even if you _did_ save papa's life you have no right to make _me_ miserable!

MRS. S. No _gentleman_ would attempt to force his affections where they are not wanted!

FRED. Excuse me!

MRS. S. Especially after such deceit which has luckily been discovered in time; of course we cannot argue with you if your own sense of honor does not prompt you to do what is right.

FRED (puzzled). Really, Mrs. Selwyn, you must be more explicit!

MRS. S. We have said all that need be said to anyone with a spark of proper feeling. Good day, Mr. Bellamy!

GRACE (imitating her mother). Good day, sir! (They courtesy very formally and go out, L. U. E.)

FRED (following them he has door slammed in his face, then putting down hat and Directory). What _does_ this mean? I'm sent on a wild goose chase after a confounded Tompkins and on my return I am coolly snubbed by the wife and daughter of the man for whom I am slaving! I won't put up with it! No! Thirty-seven Tompkinses have I tracked to their several and respective abodes. Most of them lived at the top of the houses, too!

(Noting card left by BLITHERS.) What's this, "Bos...o...b..ithers!"

What does it mean? He's my Lottie's father-in-law--what can _he_ want here? Pshaw! He can't have called here at all, I must have dropped the card myself! (Sitting down again, L.)

SEL. (entering exhausted, C.). I'm done up! They ought not to be allowed to make such long streets. (He sits.) Hullo!

Do you know where that Dibbs is?

FRED. Not the least idea!

SEL. (wiping his forehead). I want to know if a young--a female has been here for me--have you seen one?

FRED. How the deuce can I tell? Haven't I just returned from my Tompkins's hunting?

SEL. I thought I saw her in a cab and ran a mile before I could get a peep inside. Oh, Fred! old man, if you knew how my heart was aching, and my corns were shooting, you would pity me!

FRED. Look here, Mr. Selwyn, I can't stay here to hound down the entire Tompkins's tribe. I shall leave town to-night!

SEL. What? Desert me in the moment of danger?

FRED. I'm no welcome guest in this house--the ladies don't like me!

SEL. Not like you! They _must_ like you, they shall dote on the very ground you walk on!

FRED. I don't expect that, but I object to being openly snubbed.

SEL. Oh, it will soon blow over--don't take any notice--it's their way--mere whim--women are so whimmy!

FRED. But you know when it comes to----

SEL. (rising and crossing to him). I apologize! There!

I don't know _what_ they did, but whatever it was I profess the utmost regret that it should have occurred--this is no time for us to part, we are each seated on a volcano--(Whispering.) _She's written to me!_

FRED. Who?

SEL. _The girl I met last night!_ She said she wanted to see me at once--but forgot to put her number in Bond street in her letter, so I have been trotting up and down for three hours inquiring for her by her Christian name, as I know no other.

I want to buy her silence! That's volcano number one!

FRED. What's the other Vesuvius?

SEL. "_Tompkins_" has been here! You know Tompkins, the duelist.

FRED. No!

SEL. I offered to apologize to him, too, but he was one of those bland but bloodthirsty fellows who thirst for human gore--he wouldn't hear of it--I got his address, I flew to humiliate myself on his doorstep, but he had given me a false one.