Three Hats Part 9

FRED. A false doorstep!

SEL. No, a false address--but we must find the real one--go on, dear boy, go on with your search. (Handing Directory and hat.) Take your implements! Stanley discovered Livingstone, why shouldn't Bellamy discover Tompkins?

FRED. It's as bad as the treadmill--they all live in lodgings and just under the tiles, these beastly Tompkinses!

SEL. How many of the infernal family have you found already?

FRED. Thirty-seven!

SEL. Did you question them?

FRED. Minutely! Three of them acknowledged to having had a fight last night.

SEL. Ah!

FRED. One with a sweep, one with a dog, and one with his wife!

SEL. There are two hundred and fifty-two left to cross-examine. I have heard more about him since you left--he's a poet! Author of the _Frost-bitten Nose_, or something that sends a s.h.i.+ver down your back and makes your spine jingle like a Christy minstrel's bones!

FRED (aside). If he thinks I'm going for ever on this Tompkins's hunting, he's much mistaken! I shall go straight to my Lottie and stop there! (Crosses to R.) That's what I shall do!

SEL. That's right! Once more into the breach, dear boy!

If you are tired take a cab--I'll go halves in it with you!

(Exit FRED, C.) What devotion! Can I refuse to let this man marry my daughter? No!

DIBBS (entering, L. U. E.). Mr. Bellamy not here, sir?

SEL. Just gone out! What do you want?

DIBBS. It's another messenger with another letter "from the same lady as before" he said! (SELWYN seizes and tears it open nervously aside.) Now, I'll just go and tell Captain Katskill the governor's alone. Missus told me to watch for an opportunity.

(Exit DIBBS, L. U. E.

SEL. She says she knows I must be ill or I would come to her--she will be here in an hour! Horror upon horror's head!

No address again! Oh, why won't women complete their letters?

(Re-enter DIBBS, L. U. E.) Dibbs, where's the messenger?

DIBBS. Gone, sir!

SEL. Perhaps I could catch him--I'll do a bit of sprinting!

(Rushes off, C.)

DIBBS. Hi! sir, I never told you which way he went! (Rushes after him, C.)

Enter BLITHERS, L. U. E., with hat as before.

BLITH. Thank you! Thank you, my good girl, don't trouble, I know the way! Sir, I--n.o.body here! Well, I must wait.

(Puts hat down on chair in front of secretaire and seats himself on sofa.) This time I will _not leave_ without my own hat. I can't attend at Dr. Swishby's in this! The boys would pelt me! I have already missed two private lessons and my wife has been blowing me up as high as a kite. (Puts hat on chair L. of table R.)

Enter CAPTAIN KATSKILL, L. U. E.

CAPT. K. (he speaks with slight Irish accent). There he is!

Now for it! Charge!

BLITH. (seeing CAPTAIN KATSKILL). Hullo! an arrival!

CAPT. K. Sir, I salute you!

BLITH. (most politely). Sir, I do ditto! (They bow.)

CAPT. K. A quare collection of fatures to have on one face.

What of that? It's the daughter I want, not the father.

BLITH. (aside). This must be Mr. Selwyn's son, I presume!

CAPT. K. Excuse me want of boldness----

BLITH. Not at all! Fine day?

CAPT. K. Sor, it is within your power to make it the finest day of all me life!

BLITH. Eh? (Aside.) An excitable young man! (Aloud.) How's your father?

CAPT. K. When we last heard from Ballybog--that was two weeks ago----

BLITH. Two weeks!

CAPT. K. You know he was over there, did you not?

BLITH. I cannot say I did! (Aside.) It isn't Selwyn's son at all! (Aloud.) Might I inquire your name, sir?

CAPT. K. Didn't ye know it? Captain Katskill, of the 55th--the fighting 55th!

BLITH. (as if he recognized him). Oh! indeed, I am delighted to hear it! (Aside.) Who is he?

CAPT. K. You can, of course, guess the object of my visit?

BLITH. Well, yes--and on the other hand _no_! (Aside.) He evidently knows _me_. (Aloud.) Of course, I should be in a better position to answer if----

CAPT. K. Sir, excuse egotism, but in such a position as mine it is necessary to talk of one's self! I am an only son.

BLITH. Fortunate privilege!

CAPT. K. My father was a soldier like myself and an honorable man----

BLITH. I do not doubt it!

CAPT. K. My grandfather was in the army, too, and known in the Peninsula as "Devil-may-care Katskill."