The Book of Humorous Verse Part 119

Now Mistress Gilpin, when she saw her husband posting down Into the country far away, she pulled out half a crown;

And thus unto the youth she said, that drove them to the Bell, "This shall be yours when you bring back my husband safe and well."

The youth did ride, and soon did meet John coming back amain-- Whom in a trice he tried to stop, by catching at his rein;

But not performing what he meant, and gladly would have done, The frighted steed he frighted more, and made him faster run.

Away went Gilpin, and away went post-boy at his heels, The post-boy's horse right glad to miss the lumbering of the wheels.

Six gentlemen upon the road, thus seeing Gilpin fly, With post-boy scampering in the rear, they raised the hue and cry:

"Stop thief! stop thief!--a highwayman!" Not one of them was mute; And all and each that pa.s.sed that way did join in the pursuit.

And now the turnpike gates again flew open in short s.p.a.ce; The tollmen thinking, as before, that Gilpin rode a race.

And so he did, and won it, too, for he got first to town; Nor stopped till where he had got up he did again get down.

Now let us sing, long live the king! and Gilpin, long live he; And when he next doth ride abroad, may I be there to see!

_William Cowper._

PADDY O'RAFTHER

Paddy, in want of a dinner one day, Credit all gone, and no money to pay, Stole from a priest a fat pullet, they say, And went to confession just afther; "Your riv'rince," says Paddy, "I stole this fat hen."

"What, what!" says the priest, "at your ould thricks again?

Faith, you'd rather be staalin' than sayin' _amen_, Paddy O'Rafther!"

"Sure, you wouldn't be angry," says Pat, "if you knew That the best of intintions I had in my view-- For I stole it to make it a present to you, And you can absolve me afther."

"Do you think," says the priest, "I'd partake of your theft?

Of your seven small senses you must be bereft-- You're the biggest blackguard that I know, right and left, Paddy O'Rafther."

"Then what shall I do with the pullet," says Pat, "If your riv'rince won't take it? By this and by that I don't know no more than a dog or a cat What your riv'rince would have me be afther."

"Why, then," says his rev'rence, "you sin-blinded owl, Give back to the man that you stole from his fowl: For if you do not, 'twill be worse for your sowl, Paddy O'Rafther."

Says Paddy, "I ask'd him to take it--'tis thrue As this minit I'm talkin', your riv'rince, to you; But he wouldn't resaive it--so what can I do?"

Says Paddy, nigh choken with laughter.

"By my throth," says the priest, "but the case is absthruse; If he won't take his hen, why the man is a goose: 'Tis not the first time my advice was no use, Paddy O'Rafther."

"But, for sake of your sowl, I would sthrongly advise To some one in want you would give your supplies-- Some widow, or orphan, with tears in their eyes; And _then_ you may come to _me_ afther."

So Paddy went off to the brisk Widow Hoy, And the pullet between them was eaten with joy, And, says she, "'Pon my word you're the cleverest boy, Paddy O'Rafther."

Then Paddy went back to the priest the next day, And told him the fowl he had given away To a poor lonely widow, in want and dismay, The loss of her spouse weeping afther.

"Well, now," says the priest, "I'll absolve you, my lad, For repentantly making the best of the bad, In feeding the hungry and cheering the sad, Paddy O'Rafther!"

_Samuel Lover._

HERE SHE GOES, AND THERE SHE GOES

Two Yankee wags, one summer day, Stopped at a tavern on their way, Supped, frolicked, late retired to rest, And woke to breakfast on the best.

The breakfast over, Tom and Will Sent for the landlord and the bill; Will looked it over:--"Very right-- But hold! what wonder meets my sight?

Tom, the surprise is quite a shock!"

"What wonder? where?" "The clock, the clock!"

Tom and the landlord in amaze Stared at the clock with stupid gaze, And for a moment neither spoke; At last the landlord silence broke,-- "You mean the clock that's ticking there?

I see no wonder, I declare!

Though maybe, if the truth were told, 'Tis rather ugly, somewhat old; Yet time it keeps to half a minute; But, if you please, what wonder's in it?"

"Tom, don't you recollect," said Will, "The clock at Jersey, near the mill, The very image of this present, With which I won the wager pleasant?"

Will ended with a knowing wink; Tom scratched his head and tried to think.

"Sir, begging pardon for inquiring,"

The landlord said, with grin admiring, "What wager was it?"

"You remember It happened, Tom, in last December: In sport I bet a Jersey Blue That it was more than he could do To make his finger go and come In keeping with the pendulum, Repeating, till the hour should close, Still,--'_Here she goes, and there she goes_.'

He lost the bet in half a minute."

"Well, if I would, the deuce is in it!"

Exclaimed the landlord; "try me yet, And fifty dollars be the bet."

"Agreed, but we will play some trick, To make you of the bargain sick!"

"I'm up to that!"

"Don't make us wait,-- Begin,--the clock is striking eight."

He seats himself, and left and right His finger wags with all its might, And hoa.r.s.e his voice and hoa.r.s.er grows, With--"_Here she goes, and there she goes_!"

"Hold!" said the Yankee, "Plank the ready!"

The landlord wagged his finger steady, While his left hand, as well as able, Conveyed a purse upon the table.

"Tom! with the money let's be off!"

This made the landlord only scoff.

He heard them running down the stair, But was not tempted from his chair; Thought he, "The fools! I'll bite them yet!

So poor a trick sha'n't win the bet."

And loud and long the chorus rose Of--_"Here she goes, and there she goes!"_ While right and left his finger swung, In keeping to his clock and tongue.

His mother happened in to see Her daughter: "Where is Mrs. B----?"

"When will she come, do you suppose?

Son!"-- _"Here she goes, and there she goes!"_ "Here!--where?"--the lady in surprise His finger followed with her eyes: "Son! why that steady gaze and sad?

Those words,--that motion,--are you mad?

But here's your wife, perhaps she knows, And--"

_"Here she goes, and there she goes!"_

His wife surveyed him with alarm, And rushed to him, and seized his arm; He shook her off, and to and fro His finger persevered to go; While curled his very nose with ire That _she_ against him should conspire; And with more furious tone arose The--_"Here she goes, and there she goes!"_

"Lawks!" screamed the wife, "I'm in a whirl!