The Book of Humorous Verse Part 136

By the side of a murmuring stream an elderly gentleman sat.

On the top of his head was a wig, and a-top of his wig was his hat.

The wind it blew high and blew strong, as the elderly gentleman sat; And bore from his head in a trice, and plunged in the river his hat.

The gentleman then took his cane which lay by his side as he sat; And he dropped in the river his wig, in attempting to get out his hat.

His breast it grew cold with despair, and full in his eye madness sat; So he flung in the river his cane to swim with his wig, and his hat.

Cool reflection at last came across while this elderly gentleman sat; So he thought he would follow the stream and look for his cane, wig, and hat.

His head being thicker than common, o'er-balanced the rest of his fat; And in plumped this son of a woman to follow his wig, cane, and hat.

_George Canning._

SAYING NOT MEANING

Two gentlemen their appet.i.te had fed, When opening his toothpick-case, one said, "It was not until lately that I knew That _anchovies_ on _terra firma_ grew."

"Grow!" cried the other, "yes, they _grow_, indeed, Like other fish, but not upon the land; You might as well say grapes grow on a reed, Or in the Strand!"

"Why, sir," returned the irritated other, "My brother, When at Calcutta Beheld them _bona fide_ growing; He wouldn't utter A lie for love or money, sir; so in This matter you are thoroughly mistaken."

"Nonsense, sir! nonsense! I can give no credit To the a.s.sertion--none e'er saw or read it; Your brother, like his evidence, should be shaken."

"Be shaken, sir! let me observe, you are Perverse--in short--"

"Sir," said the other, sucking his cigar, And then his port-- "If you will say impossibles are true, You may affirm just anything you please-- That swans are quadrupeds, and lions blue, And elephants inhabit Stilton cheese!

Only you must not _force_ me to believe What's propagated merely to deceive."

"Then you force me to say, sir, you're a fool,"

Return'd the bragger.

Language like this no man can suffer cool: It made the listener stagger; So, thunder-stricken, he at once replied, "The traveler _lied_ Who had the impudence to tell it you;"

"Zounds! then d'ye mean to swear before my face That anchovies _don't_ grow like cloves and mace?"

"I _do_!"

Disputants often after hot debates Leave the contention as they found it--bone, And take to duelling or thumping _tetes_; Thinking by strength of artery to atone For strength of argument; and he who winces From force of words, with force of arms convinces!

With pistols, powder, bullets, surgeons, lint, Seconds, and smelling-bottles, and foreboding, Our friends advanced; and now portentous loading (Their hearts already loaded) serv'd to show It might be better they shook hands--but no; When each opines himself, though frighten'd, right, Each is, in courtesy, oblig'd to fight!

And they _did_ fight: from six full measured paces The unbeliever pulled his trigger first; And fearing, from the braggart's ugly faces, The whizzing lead had whizz'd its very worst, Ran up, and with a _duelistic_ fear (His ire evanis.h.i.+ng like morning vapors), Found him possess'd of one remaining ear, Who in a manner sudden and uncouth, Had given, not lent, the other ear to truth; For while the surgeon was applying lint, He, wriggling, cried--"The deuce is in't-- Sir, I _meant_--|CAPERS|!"

_William Basil Wake._

HANS BREITMANN'S PARTY

Hans Breitmann gife a barty; Dey had biano-blayin': I felled in lofe mit a Merican frau, Her name was Madilda Yane.

She hat haar as prown ash a pretzel, Her eyes vas himmel-plue, Und ven dey looket indo mine, Dey shplit mine heart in two.

Hans Breitmann gife a barty: I vent dere, you'll pe pound.

I valtzet mit Madilda Yane Und vent shpinnen round und round.

De pootiest Fraulein in de house, She vayed 'pout dwo hoondred pound, Und efery dime she gife a shoomp She make de vindows sound.

Hans Breitmann gife a barty: I dells you it cost him dear.

Dey rolled in more ash sefen kecks Of foost-rate Lager Beer, Und venefer dey knocks de shpicket in De Deutschers gifes a cheer.

I d.i.n.ks dat so vine a barty Nefer coom to a het dis year.

Hans Breitmann gife a barty; Dere all vas Souse und Brouse; Ven de sooper comed in, de gompany Did make demselfs to house.

Dey ate das Brot und Gensy broost, De Bratwurst und Braten fine, Und vash der Abendessen down Mit four parrels of Neckarwein.

Hans Breitmann gife a barty.

We all cot troonk ash bigs.

I poot mine mout to a parrel of bier, Und emptied it oop mit a schwigs.

Und denn I gissed Madilda Yane Und she shlog me on de kop, Und de gompany fited mit daple-lecks Dill be c.o.o.nshtable made oos shtop.

Hans Breitmann gife a barty-- Where ish dat barty now!

Where ish de lofely golden cloud Dat float on de moundain's prow?

Where ish de himmelstrablende Stern-- De shtar of de shpirit's light?

All goned afay mit de Lager Beer-- Afay in de Ewigkeit!

_Charles G.o.dfrey Leland._

BALLAD BY HANS BREITMANN

Der n.o.ble Ritter Hugo Von Schwillensaufenstein Rode out mit shpeer and helmet, Und he coom to de panks of de Rhine.

Und oop dere rose a meermaid, Fot hadn't got nodings on, Und she say, "Oh, Ritter Hugo, Vhere you goes mit yourself alone?"

And he says, "I ride in de creenwood, Mit helmet und mit shpeer, Till I cooms into em Gasthaus, Und dere I trinks some beer."

Und den outshpoke the maiden Vot hadn't got nodings on: "I ton't tink mooch of beoplesh Dat goes mit demselfs alone.

"You'd petter coom down in de wa.s.ser, Vhere deres heaps of dings to see, Und hafe a shplendid tinner Und drafel along mit me.

"Dere you sees de fisch a schwimmin', Und you catches dem efery von:"-- So sang dis wa.s.ser maiden, Vot hadn't got nodings on.

"Dere ish drunks all full mit money In s.h.i.+ps dat vent down of old; Und you helpsh yourself, by dunder!

To s.h.i.+mmerin' crowns of gold.

"Shoost look at these shpoons and vatches!