The Book of Humorous Verse Part 160

"True 'tis P T, and P T 'tis, 'tis true."

In I V Lane, of C T fame, There lived a man D C, And A B I 6 was his name, Now mark his history.

Long time his conduct free from blame Did merit L O G, Until an evil spirit came In the shape of O D V.

"O! that a man into his mouth Should put an N M E To steal away his brains"--no drouth Such course from sin may free.

Well, A B drank, the O T loon!

And learned to swear, sans ruth; And then he gamed, and U Z soon To D V 8 from truth.

An hourly gla.s.s with him was play, He'd swallow that with phlegm; Judge what he'd M T in a day, "X P D _Herculem_."

Of virtue none to sots, I trow, With F E K C prate; And O of N R G could now From A B M N 8.

Who on strong liquor badly dote, Soon poverty must know; Thus A B in a C D coat Was shortly forced to go.

From poverty D C T he caught, And cheated not A F U, For what he purchased paying O, Or but an "I O U."

Or else when he had tried B 4, To s.h.i.+rk a debt, his wits, He'd cry, "You shan't wait N E more, I'll W or quits."

So lost did I 6 now A P R, That said his wife, said she, "F U act so, your fate quite clear Is for 1 2 4 C."

His inside soon was out and out More fiery than K N; And while his state was thereabout A cough C V R came.

He I P K Q N A tried, And linseed T and rue; But O could save him, so he died As every 1 must 2.

Poor wight! till black in' the face he raved, 'Twas P T S 2 C His latest spirit "spirit" craved-- His last words, "O D V."

MORAL

I'll not S A to preach and prate, But tell U if U do Drink O D V at such R 8, Death will 4 stall U 2.

O U then who A Y Z have, Shun O D V as a wraith, For 'tis a bonus to the grave, An S A unto death.

_Unknown._

A MAN OF WORDS

A man of words and not of deeds, Is like a garden full of weeds; And when the weeds begin to grow, It's like a garden full of snow; And when the snow begins to fall, It's like a bird upon the wall; And when the bird away does fly, It's like an eagle in the sky; And when the sky begins to roar, It's like a lion at the door; And when the door begins to crack, It's like a stick across your back; And when your back begins to smart, It's like a penknife in your heart; And when your heart begins to bleed, You're dead, and dead, and dead indeed.

_Unknown._

SIMILES

As wet as a fish--as dry as a bone; As live as a bird--as dead as a stone; As plump as a partridge--as poor as a rat; As strong as a horse--as weak as a cat; As hard as a flint--as soft as a mole; As white as a lily--as black as a coal; As plain as a pike-staff--as rough as a bear; As light as a drum--as free as the air; As heavy as lead--as light as a feather; As steady as time--uncertain as weather; As hot as an oven--as cold as a frog; As gay as a lark--as sick as a dog; As slow as the tortoise--as swift as the wind; As true as the Gospel--as false as mankind; As thin as a herring--as fat as a pig; As proud as a peac.o.c.k--as blithe as a grig; As savage as tigers--as mild as a dove; As stiff as a poker--as limp as a glove; As blind as a bat--as deaf as a post; As cool as a cuc.u.mber--as warm as a toast; As flat as a flounder--as round as a ball; As blunt as a hammer--as sharp as an awl; As red as a ferret--as safe as the stocks; As bold as a thief--as sly as a fox; As straight as an arrow--as crook'd as a bow; As yellow as saffron--as black as a sloe; As brittle as gla.s.s--as tough as gristle; As neat as my nail--as clean as a whistle; As good as a feast--as had as a witch; As light as is day--as dark as is pitch; As brisk as a bee--as dull as an a.s.s; As full as a tick--as solid as bra.s.s.

_Unknown._

NO!

No sun--no moon!

No morn--no noon-- No dawn--no dusk--no proper time of day-- No sky--no earthly view-- No distance looking blue-- No road--no street--no "t'other side the way"-- No end to any Row-- No indications where the Crescents go-- No top to any steeple-- No recognitions of familiar people-- No courtesies for showing 'em-- No knowing 'em!

No travelling at all--no locomotion, No inkling of the way--no notion-- "No go"--by land or ocean-- No mail--no post-- No news from any foreign coast-- No park--no ring--no afternoon gentility-- No company--no n.o.bility-- No warmth, no cheerfulness, no healthful ease, No comfortable feel in any member-- No shade, no s.h.i.+ne, no b.u.t.terflies, no bees, No fruits, no flowers, no leaves, no birds, November!

_Thomas Hood._

FAITHLESS SALLY BROWN

Young Ben he was a nice young man, A carpenter by trade; And he fell in love with Sally Brown, That was a lady's maid.

But as they fetched a walk one day, They met a press-gang crew; And Sally she did faint away, Whilst Ben he was brought to.

The boatswain swore with wicked words, Enough to shock a saint, That though she did seem in a fit, 'Twas nothing but a feint.

"Come, girl," said he, "hold up your head, He'll be as good as me; For when your swain is in our boat, A boatswain he will be."

So when they'd made their game of her, And taken off her elf, She roused, and found she only was A coming to herself.

"And is he gone, and is he gone?"

She cried, and wept outright: "Then I will to the water side, And see him out of sight."

A waterman came up to her,-- "Now, young woman," said he, "If you weep on so, you will make Eye-water in the sea."

"Alas! they've taken my beau, Ben, To sail with old Benbow;"

And her woe began to run afresh, As if she'd said, "Gee woe!"

Says he, "They've only taken him To the Tender-s.h.i.+p, you see;"

"The Tender-s.h.i.+p," cried Sally Brown, "What a hard-s.h.i.+p that must be!

"O! would I were a mermaid now, For then I'd follow him; But, O!--I'm not a fish-woman, And so I cannot swim.