The Book of Humorous Verse Part 75

ON HEARING A LADY PRAISE A CERTAIN REV. DOCTOR'S EYES

I cannot praise the Doctor's eyes; I never saw his glance divine; He always shuts them when he prays, And when he preaches he shuts mine.

_George Outram._

EPITAPH INTENDED FOR HIS WIFE

Here lies my wife: here let her lie!

Now she's at rest, and so am I.

_John Dryden._

TO A CAPRICIOUS FRIEND

IMITATED FROM MARTIAL

In all thy humors, whether grave or mellow, Thou 'rt such a touchy, testy, pleasant fellow; Hast so much wit, and mirth, and spleen about thee, There is no living with thee, nor without thee.

_Joseph Addison._

WHICH IS WHICH

"G.o.d bless the King! G.o.d bless the faith's defender!

G.o.d bless--no harm in blessing--the Pretender.

But who pretender is, and who is king, G.o.d bless us all, that's quite another thing."

_John Byrom._

ON A FULL-LENGTH PORTRAIT OF BEAU MARSH PLACED BETWEEN THE BUSTS OF NEWTON AND POPE

"Immortal Newton never spoke More truth than here you'll find; Nor Pope himself e'er penn'd a joke More cruel on mankind.

"The picture placed the busts between, Gives satire all its strength; Wisdom and Wit are little seen-- But Folly at full length."

_Lord Chesterfield._

ON SCOTLAND

"Had Cain been Scot, G.o.d would have changed his doom; Nor forced him wander, but confined him home."

_Cleveland._

MENDAX

See yonder goes old Mendax, telling lies To that good easy man with whom he's walking; How know I that? you ask, with some surprise; Why, don't you see, my friend, the fellow's talking.

_Lessing._

TO A SLOW WALKER AND QUICK EATER

So slowly you walk, and so quickly you eat, You should march with your mouth, and devour with your feet.

_Lessing._

WHAT'S MY THOUGHT LIKE?

_Quest._--Why is a Pump like Viscount Castlereagh?

_Answ._--Because it is a slender thing of wood, That up and down its awkward arm doth sway, And coolly spout, and spout, and spout away, In one weak, washy, everlasting flood!

_Thomas Moore._