The Handbook of Conundrums Part 15

What is the key-note to good manners? B Natural.

In what key should a declaration of love be made? Be mine, ah! (B Minor).

Why do teetotalers run such a slight risk of drowning? Because they are so accustomed to keep their noses above water.

What kind of a cravat would a hog be most likely to choose? A pigs-tye, of course.

Why is a flirt like an india-rubber ball? Because she's empty, yet full of bounce.

When is a butcher a thorough thief? When he steals a knife and cuts away with it.

Why is a field of gra.s.s like a person older than yourself? Because it's past-your-age (pasturage).

If Old Nick were to lose his tail, where should he go to supply the deficiency? To a grog shop, because there bad spirits are retailed.

What sense pleases you most in an unpleasant acquaintance? Absence.

Why is an abstract of a lecture like a sentimental boy and girl kissing? Because it's a syllabus (silly buss).

Why is a pictorial riddle like a second kiss? Because it's a rebus (re-buss).

Why is the latest thing in a fas.h.i.+onable gown like the South African bushman's club? Because it's "perfectly stunning."

Why is a department store like a country sewing circle? Because it has so many notions.

Why is a music teacher like a baseball coach? Because he frequently says, "Try that last run over again."

What is the difference between a bright scholar and shoe polish? One s.h.i.+nes at the head, the other at the foot.

What is a better investment the worse it is? A tenement.

When does a musician fail? When he is unable to discount his notes.

Why is a jeweler like a prisoner in solitary confinement? Because he has too much time on his hands.

When is a doctor like a cross-tempered man? When he is losing his patients.

Under what circ.u.mstances are a builder and a newspaper reporter equally likely to fail? When they make up stories without foundations.

Why is a hack-horse a miserable creature? Because his mind is always on the rack, and his only consolation is woe (whoa!).

Why is a good joke like the modern ballot box? Because it is the greatest repeater known to history.

Why is a dressmaker braver than an actor? Because she is not afraid of the hook.

Why is the aspiring poet about to approach an editor with his verses like a consumptive? Because he's going into a decline.

Why is turkey a fas.h.i.+onable bird? Because he always appears well dressed.

Why should a candle-maker never be pitied? Because all his works are wicked, and all his wicked works, when brought to light, are only made light of.

How would you increase the speed of a very slow boat? Make her fast.

Why is matrimony like an invested city? Because when we are out of it we wish to be in it, and when we are in it we wish to be out of it.

Why is a person of short stature like an almanac? Because he is often looked over or over-looked.

Why is a certain kind of coach like the exclusive option on a certain girl's kisses? Because it's an omnibus.

Why are seasick excursionists like a strong opposition in Congress?

Because they are opposed to the motion.

Why is the aeronaut whose airs.h.i.+p plows into the earth like a successful speculator? Because he has taken a flier in real estate.

Why are airs.h.i.+p inventors like musicians? Because they bend all their energies to the conquest of the air.

Why are the speeches of an orator heard through a phonograph like the State House dome? Because they are hollow but illuminating.

Why is a discredited politician like an unpopular dentist? Because each has lost his pull.

Why are seeds when sown like gate-posts? Because they propagate.

Why is fas.h.i.+on like a blank cartridge? Because it's all powder and puff.

Why is the Fourth of July like oysters? Because we can't enjoy it without crackers.

Why ought women to be employed in a post-office? Because they know how to manage the mails (males).

Why do the recriminations of married couples resemble the sound of waves on the sh.o.r.e? Because they are murmurs of the tied (tide).

What have you now before you which would give you a company, a veiled lady, and a noisy toy? Co-nun-drum.

Why is a mother rocking her child to sleep liable to arrest? Because she is engaged in a kid-napping project.

What is the cheapest candy? h.o.r.ehound, because the advertis.e.m.e.nts of it read constantly, "h.o.r.ehound drops 10 cents a lb."

Why does a rich lady act prudently by marrying a penniless man?

Because she husbands her resources.

Why should a straw hat never be raised to a lady? Because, no matter how much you raise it, or how much she appreciates it, it is never felt.

When is a wall like a fish? When it is scaled.

Why is it impossible for a swell who lisps to believe in the existence of young ladies? Because he calls every Miss a Myth.

Why is a specimen of handwriting like a dead pig? Because it is done with the pen.

Why are good intentions like fainting ladies? Because all they want is carrying out.