The Handbook of Conundrums Part 17

What does the lamp post become when the lamp is removed? A lamp lighter.

Why is a mother who spoils her child like a person building castles in the air? She indulges in-fancy too much.

When you listen to your little brother's drum, why are you like a just judge? Because you hear both sides.

What is the action of the moon? It affects physically the tide, and sentimentally the untied.

Why is a father who frequently thrashes his boy likely to be prosecuted? Because he exerts undue influence in the making of a will.

How should Messrs. Taft and Roosevelt now travel? By ex-Pres.

Why is a Wall Street lamb like a surgical convalescent? Because he's been operated on.

Why is the humiliated braggart like the small boy who has drunk the was.h.i.+ng fluid? Because he has swallowed the lye.

Why is the fresh young upstart like an aerial postman? Because he's up and coming.

Why is an elevator man like an aeronaut? Because his life is all ups and downs.

What is the coldest place in an opera house? Z row.

What will eventually change the size of the auto? The demand for more gauge (mortgage) which the present fad creates.

Why is the nurse of an insane ward like a popular opera star? Because everybody's crazy about him.

Why do love letters have a financial value? Because they are promissory notes.

When are words musical? When they have a ring to them.

When is a woman a live wire? When she's shocking.

Why is it easy to practice rotation of crops on the prairies? Because of the frequency of whirlwinds there.

Why is an astronomer like a theatrical manager? Because he's always looking for new stars.

Why is an airs.h.i.+p bequeathed you by your father like the portrait of an ancestor? Because it is a family heirloom.

When is a lady's arm not a lady's arm? When it is a little bare.

When is a fish above its station? When it rises and takes a fly.

When is a boy not a boy? When he is a regular brick.

When is a piece of wood like a queen? When it is made into a ruler.

When is a skein of thread like the root of an oak? When it is full of knots.

What is that which has a mouth but never speaks, and a bed but never sleeps in it? A river.

Why should you never have a tailor who does not understand his trade?

Because you would get bad habits from him.

What is the difference between a sailor and a soldier? One tars his ropes, the other pitches his tent.

Which is the ugliest hood ever worn? Falsehood.

What is the best thing to make in a hurry? Haste.

Why are cobblers like a famous physician? They are skilled in the art of healing (heeling).

What pen ought never to be used for writing? A sheep pen.

When is a subject beneath one's notice? When it is under consideration.

Why is a loyal gentleman like a miser? He knows the value of his sovereign.

When is a bill not a bill? When it is dew.

What is the proper newspaper for invalids? The Weekly News.

When is a pint of milk not a pint? When it's condensed.

What tune makes everybody glad? Fortune.

What is it that has four legs and only one foot? A bedstead.

Why is attar of roses never moved without orders? Because it is sent wherever it goes.

What goes most against a farmer's grain? His reaper.

What precious stone is like the entrance to a field? A-gate.

When is a man like frozen rain? When he is hale (hail).

Which of the stars should be subject to the game laws? Shooting stars.

What garden crop would save draining? Leeks.

When does a cook break the game laws? When she poaches eggs.

When is a river like a young lady? When it is crossed.

Why is a carpenter like a languid dandy? Because he often feels a great deal bored.

When does a donkey weigh least? When he is within the pound.

What is the last blow a defeated s.h.i.+p gives in battle? Striking her own flag.

What had better be done when there is a great rent on a farm? It had better be sewn (sown).