The Handbook of Conundrums Part 18

Why should onions be planted near the potatoes in a garden? So that the onions may have a tear-producing effect upon the eyes of the potatoes and make them self-irrigating.

Why may not the proprietor of a forest fell his own timber? Because no one is allowed to cut when it is his own deal.

What is the oldest piece of furniture in the world? The multiplication table.

Which is the greatest number, six dozen dozen or half a dozen dozen?

Six dozen dozen, of course.

What is that which, the more you take from it, the larger it grows? A hole.

If a bee could stand on its hind legs, what blessing would it invoke?

A bee-att.i.tude.

Why is a blockhead deserving of promotion? Because he is equal to any post.

Why is an artist stronger than a horse? Because he can draw Windsor Castle all by himself, and take it clean away in his pocket if necessary.

Why is money often moist? Because it is frequently dew in the morning, and mist at night.

Why are lawyers such uneasy sleepers? Because they lie first on one side, and then on the other, and remain wide awake all the time.

And what do they do when they die? Lie still.

When is a lawyer like a donkey? When drawing a conveyance.

What proverb must a lawyer _not_ act up to? He must not take the will for the deed.

Why will scooping out a turnip be a noisy process? Because it makes it hollow.

When was beef the highest? When the cow jumped over the moon.

What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence.

Why is a straw hat like kissing through the telephone? Because neither is felt.

Why is your shadow like a false friend? Because it only follows you in suns.h.i.+ne.

Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it is the scenter.

If a woman asks her blind lover the color of a flower, what would he say? "I have no i-dea."

When are lawyers circ.u.mstances? When they alter cases.

Why is a dog's tail like an expressman? It keeps a-waggin'.

Why are chickens liberal? They give a _peck_ when they take a _grain_.

What animals are in the clouds? Rain-deer.

Why is a young lawyer in his office like one of his chickens roosting on his neighbor's fence? He has no business there.

What is the difference between perseverance and obstinacy? One arises from a strong _will_, the other from a strong _won't_.

In what color should friends.h.i.+p be kept? In violet.

What is the n.o.blest musical instrument? An upright piano. What the vilest? A lyre.

How do seamstresses resemble rascals? They cut and run.

Why is a Bostonian's brain like a book of conundrums? Because it is full of notions.

Why is a fortunate man like a straw in the water? Because he goes on swimmingly.

Why is the man who falls in the kennel approved of? Because he's add-mir'd.

Why is an organ an enemy to religion? Because it stands against the communion.

Why are sharpers like sparrows? Because they feather their nests.

Why is a looking-gla.s.s very complaisant? Because it always does as the company does.

Why is a newspaper like a lame man? Because it generally lies.

Why is a staircase like a back-biter? Because its rail's against you.

Why is a high wind like a dumb man in distress? Because it makes moving signs.

Why are sheep the most dissipated of animals? They _gambol_ all their youth, live by the turf, the best of them are blacklegs, and they get fleeced at last.

Why is a bald-headed man like a hunting dog? He makes a little _hare_ go a great way.

Why is a horse that is constantly rid, though never fed, never starved? Because he's never without a bit.

Why is a sleepy servant like a warming pan? Because he's in bed before his master.

Why is a rich farmer like a man with bad teeth? Because he has a good many achers.

Why is an apple like a good song? Because it is encored.

Why is an eyelid like the wadding to a gun? Because it covers the ball.

Why is a smith like a ferryman? Because his business is to work ore.

Why is a garter like the gates of a slaughter house? Because it holds the stock in (stocking).

Why is a holly bush like a corpse? Because it is or will be berry'd.

Why is an ap.r.o.n like peas? Because it is gathered.