The Handbook of Conundrums Part 19

Why, when a very fat man gets squeezed coming out of the opera, does it make him complimentary to the ladies? Because the pressure makes him flatter.

Why are a couple of first-rate breech-loaders like two beautiful young ladies? Because they're pair-o'-guns (paragons).

Why is a woman's beauty like a gold coin? Because when once changed it soon goes.

What herb is most injurious to a lady's beauty? Thyme.

When is a superb woman like bread? When given as a toast.

Why is a lover's heart like a whale? Because it's a secreter (sea creatur') of great sighs (size).

How many wives are you allowed by the Prayer-book? Sixteen, viz.: Fo(u)r better, fo(u)r worser, fo(u)r richer, fo(u)r poorer; total, sixteen.

Why is paper like a beggar? Because it is composed of rags.

Why can Satan never be uncivil? Because the Imp o' Darkness can never be Imp o' Light.

Who is the man who carries everything before him? The footman.

Why is a pen manufacturer a corrupt man? Because he makes people steal (steel) pens and tells them they do write (right).

What is the greatest eye-sore in a farmyard? A pig-sty.

What is better than G.o.d, worse than the devil, what the dead live on, and the living would die if they lived on? Nothing.

Why is a prudent man like a pin? Because his head prevents him from going too far.

Whence proceeds the eloquence of a lawyer? From his mouth.

At what time by the clock is a pun the most effective? When it strikes one.

Why is a dead hen better than a live one? Because she will lay wherever you put her.

Why is a true and faithful friend like a garden seed? Because you never know the value of either until they are put under ground.

What benefit can be derived from a paper of pins? They will give you many good points.

What kind of a cat do we generally find in a large library? A catalogue.

Why is it difficult to flirt on mail steamers? Because all the mails (males) are tied up in bags.

What kind of a swell luncheon would hardly be considered a grand affair? A luncheon of dried apples and warm water, which is really a swell affair.

Why is a boy like a puppy? Because he's a younker (young cur).

What is that thing which we all eat and drink, although it is often a man and often a woman? A toast.

How do eggs show their anger on being called Heggs? By becoming eggs-aspirated (exasperated).

On what side of a church does a yew-tree grow? The outside.

Why is a man whose "heart is in his mouth" through fright, like a cabbage? Because his heart's in his head.

Why is a shoemaker more charitable than another man? Because he is ready to give any man a lift.

Why is a picture like a fine woman? Because it's framed to please.

Why is a cunning man like a shoemaker? Because he'll pump you.

Why is a fiddle-maker like an apothecary? Because he'll send you a vial in.

Why would a pelican make a good lawyer? He knows how to stretch his bill.

When is a man incapable of performing a bare-faced action? When he wears a heavy beard and a mustache.

Why is a thief like a philosopher? Because he is given to fits of abstraction.

Why is it illegal for a man to possess a short walking stick? Because it can never be-long to him.

Why is a person who asks questions the strangest of all individuals?

Because he is the querist.

What is that which travels about, goes much up and down, and wears shoes, but never had any shoes? A football.

Why are the pages of a book like the days of a man? Because they are numbered.

What word makes you sick if you leave out one of its letters? Music.

Why is a race at a circus like a big conflagration? Because the heat is in tents (intense).

Which is the left side of a plum pudding? The part that is not eaten.

Why is a man who runs in debt like a clock? He runs on tick.

Why is a bee-hive like a spectator? Because it is a bee-holder (beholder).

Why are fixed stars like pen, ink, and paper? Because they are stationary (stationery).

Why is a cook like a barber? He dresses hare (hair).

Why is a waiter like a race-horse? He often runs for a plate or a cup.

Why is a good story like a church bell? Because it is often tolled (told).

What is the weight of the moon? Four quarters.

How can you distinguish a fas.h.i.+onable man from a tired dog? One wears an entire costume; the other simply pants.