The Handbook of Conundrums Part 21

What is the best way to raise strawberries? With a spoon.

Why is a man upstairs beating his wife an honorable man? Because he is _above_ doing a mean action.

"Why," asks a disconsolate widow, "is venison like my late and never-sufficiently-to-be-lamented husband?" Because it is the dear (deer) departed.

What consolation has the homely girl? She will be a _pretty_ old one if she lives long enough.

What moral sentence does a weatherc.o.c.k suggest? "It is a vain (vane) thing to a-spire."

What is that which if you take away all the letters remains the same?

The postman.

Why is a correct knowledge of grammar indispensable to young clergymen? Because it leads to a(c)curacy.

Why is an extremely religious Roman Catholic lady only a very virtuous goose? Because she is so faithful to her proper gander (propaganda).

Why is a baker a most improvident person? Because he is continually selling that which he kneads himself.

Why is a good husband like dough? Because a woman needs him.

Why is it that the sun always rises in the East? Because the (y)east makes everything rise.

What is a very frequent mistake clergymen make in their sermons?

Their being too long.

What is that if you take the whole away some remains? Whole-some.

Why is coal the most contradictory article known to commerce? Because when purchased it goes to the cellar (seller).

What is the difference between a baby and a s.h.i.+pwrecked sailor? One clings to its ma, and the other to his (s)par.

Why is a lance like the moon? Both are the glory of the knight.

When can you carry water in a sieve? When it is ice.

Why is a lame dog like the side of a mountain? It is a slow pup.

What is larger than a nutmeg? A nutmeg-grater.

When is it easiest to read? In the autumn when Nature turns the leaves.

Why do women seek husbands named William? That they may have a _Will_ of their own.

Why is a steamboat a good place to sleep in? It leaves a-wake behind.

Who are the best astronomers? The stars, for they have studded the heavens for centuries.

What is it that goes up and down hill, but never moves? The road.

What is the difference between the Prince of Wales and a fountain?

One is heir to the throne, the other thrown to the air.

Why is a negro woman like a doorway? Because she's a negress.

How does a sailor know there's a man in the moon? Because he has been to sea. Why didn't he stay there? Because he found it was full.

Why are you most likely to miss the 12:50 train? It is ten to one if you catch it.

Why should alchemists and astrologers be females? They are often Ann Elizas and Charlotte Anns from birth.

How does Patrick propose to get over his single blessedness? By proposing to Bridge-it.

Why is a kiss like a sermon? Because it requires two heads and an application.

Why should a man named Benjamin marry a girl named Annie? Because he would then be Bennie-fitted, and she Annie-mated.

State why a donkey browsing in a bed of thistles appears ill. Because he's a little down in the mouth, and looks rather seedy about the face.

Why am I, when prudently laying by money, like myself when foolishly squandering it? Because in either case I am--a.s.s.

When is a teapot like a kitten? When you're teasin' it (your tea's in it).

Why does a puss purr? For an obvious pur-puss (purpose).

When is a fruit-stalk like a strong swimmer? When it stems the currants.

Why is lip-salve like a chaperon? Because it's meant to keep the chaps off.

Why are the bars of a convent like a blacksmith's ap.r.o.n? Because they keep the sparks off.

In what condition is a beer-barrel when it resembles old-fas.h.i.+oned curtains? When it's tap is dry (tapestry).

Why can the pall-bearers at a young lady's funeral never be dry?

Because they have a gall on a bier between them.

What is the best day for making pancakes? Fry-day.

Why is a pair of skates like an apple? Because they have both occasioned the fall of man.

On a frosty day, what are the best fishes to fasten together? Skates, soles, an' (h)eels.

In what sort of syllables ought a parrot to be taught to speak? In polly-silly-bills.

Why is it dangerous for a teetotaler to have more than two reasons for the faith that is in him? Because three scruples make a dram.

What is the best key to a good dinner? Turkey.

Why is your favorite puppy like a doll? It is a pup-pet.