The Handbook of Conundrums Part 22

Which of the planets would a tortoise like best to live in? Herschel.

Why is a bullet like a tender glance? Because it pierces hearts.

What is the most suitable dance to wind up a frolic? A reel.

Why is a cook more noisy than a gong? One makes a din, the other a dinner.

What death does the sculptor die? He makes faces, and busts.

When may a room that is full of people be said to be empty? When there is not a _single_ person in it.

Of what trade is the sun? A tanner.

When may a s.h.i.+p be said to be in love? When she is tender on a man-of-war.

When is she actively in love? When she seeks a mate.

When is she ambitiously in love? When she is making up to a peer.

When is she foolishly in love? When she is attached to a great buoy.

When is she absurdly in love? When she is h'anchoring after a heavy swell.

When is she demonstratively in love? When she hugs the sh.o.r.e.

When is she weakly in love? When she rests on the bosom of a little cove.

When is she treated too familiarly? When a smack follows her bow.

Why is a lame beggar inconsistent? He asks for alms when he wants legs.

Why has the acrobat such a wonderful digestion? Because he lives on ropes and poles, and thrives.

If the acrobat fell off his trapeze, what would he fall against?

Against his inclination.

Why is a little dog's tail like the heart of a tree? Because it's farthest from the bark.

Why is there no such thing as an entire day? Because every day begins by breaking.

What is that which every living being has seen, but will never see again? Yesterday.

What is that which _will be_ yesterday, and _was_ to-morrow? To-day.

What is better than presence of mind in a railway accident? Absence of body.

Why is traveling by the Subway dangerous? Because then you are sure to be run over by carriages and automobiles.

Why is it not flattery to tell an old lady that she is "as beautiful as an angel?" Because, if we believe what we read, the angels must be very ancient.

What is the superlative of temper? Tempest.

On what day of the year do women talk least? On the shortest day.

What sort of a musical instrument resembles a bad hotel? A vile-inn.

What is it which every one wishes for, and yet wants to get rid of as soon as it is obtained? A good appet.i.te.

If a spider were late to dinner, what would he do? Take a fly.

Name the most unsociable things in the world? Milestones; for you never see two of them together.

Why is swearing like an old coat? Because it is a bad habit.

Suppose you were to bore a hole exactly through the earth, starting from New York, and you went in at this end, where would you come out?

Out of the hole.

What is the difference between a Roman Catholic priest and a Baptist?

One uses wax candles and the other dips.

Why, when you paint a man's portrait, may you be described as stepping into his shoes? Because you make his feet-yours (features).

What is the very best and cheapest light, especially for painters?

Daylight.

Why is a marine painter like a large vessel? Because he draws so much water.

Why is it extraordinary not to find a painter's studio as hot as an oven? Because it is there that he makes his bread.

Where should you feel for the poor? In your pocket.

What is the best way of making a coat last? Make the trousers and waistcoat first.

What animals are admitted at the opera? White kids.

With what two animals do you always go to bed? Two calves.

Why are the actions of men like great rivers? Because we see the course that they take, but not the source whence they spring.

When is a young lady not a young lady? When she's a sweet tart (sweetheart).

Which is better, getting the girl of your choice or a shoulder of mutton? A shoulder of mutton; as nothing earthly can be better than getting her you love, and a shoulder of mutton is much better than nothing.

At what period in his sorrow does a widower recover from the loss of his dear departed? When he re-wives (revives).

Why are policemen particularly required in a hop ground? Because there are always so many people picking pockets there.

When is water most likely to escape? When it is only half-tide.