The Handbook of Conundrums Part 23

Plant a puppy, and what would come up? Dog would.

Why are artists like washerwomen? Because they are not satisfied until their works are "hung on the line."

Why is a man who never lays a wager as bad as a regular gambler?

Because he is no better (bettor).

Why does the conductor cut a hole in your railroad ticket? To let you pa.s.s through.

Why should a man troubled with gout make his will? Because he will then have his leg at ease (legatees).

What is that which no one wishes to have, yet no one wishes to lose?

A bald head.

Why are fixed stars like wicked old men? Because they sin-till-late (scintillate).

Why are very old people necessarily prolix and tedious? Because they die late (dilate).

A lady asked a gentleman how old he was. He answered, "My age is what you do in everything--excel (XL)."

Why is a mirror like a dissatisfied and ungrateful friend? Because, though you may positively load its back with silver, it will reflect on you.

Why is a butler like a mountain? Because he looks down on the valley (valet).

What is that which the fox has and the hare most wants? A brush.

What is the best way to keep a man's love? Not to return it.

Why is a wedding ring like eternity? Because it has no beginning and no end.

Why does a young lady prefer her mother's fortune to her father's?

Because, though she likes patrimony, she still better likes matrimony.

Why is a deceptive woman like a seamstress? Because she is not what she seams (seems).

When does a man stand a good chance of being completely sewn up? When he has a st.i.tch in his side.

Why does a dressmaker never lose her hooks? Because she has an eye to each of them.

What is the difference between a farmer and a seamstress? The farmer gathers what he sows, while the seamstress sews what she gathers.

If we were going to kill a conversational goose, what vegetable would she allude to? Ah!-spare-a-goose! (asparagus).

What is the best thing to do to enjoy the happiness of courting? To get a little gal-an'-try (gallantry).

How is it that the affections of young ladies, notwithstanding that they may protest and vow constancy, are always doubtful? Because they are only miss givings (misgivings).

Why may a beggar wear a very short coat? Because it will be long enough before he gets another.

What part of a lion is a new-born infant like? His tail, because it was never seen before.

Why can you never expect a fishmonger to be generous? Because his business makes him sell-fish.

Why is a judge's nose like the middle of the earth? Because it's the center of gravity.

What is the gentlest kind of spur? A whisper.

Why should not soldiers meddle with nutcrackers? Because they make the sh.e.l.ls burst on the kernel (colonel).

Why is a hammer like a general? It goes to the head, and settles the point of a tack (attack).

What is the best material for kites? Flypaper.

What two reasons are there why a young lady going to the altar is certainly going wrong? She is miss-taken and miss-led.

When does the tongue a.s.sume the functions of the teeth? When it back-bites.

What is a b.u.t.ton? A small event that is always coming off.

What medicine ought to be given to misers? Anti-mony.

What was the cause of the potato rot? The rot-atory motion of the earth.

What is the end to which all like to come? A divid-end.

What is Hobson's choice? Mrs. Hobson.

Why should one never complain of the price of a car ticket? It is a _fare_ thing.

Where does one see breakers ahead on land? In a railway station.

What is a heavy incidental expense? Having one's tooth filled.

What is the difference between forms and ceremonies? You sit upon one, and stand upon the other.

How do locomotives hear? Through their engin-eers.

What is the great motive for traveling? The loco-motive.

Why has a barber more than one life? Because he dyes (dies) very often.

How do you call the s.h.i.+p that carries more pa.s.sengers than the _Olympic_? Courts.h.i.+p.

Why is a high rate of fare on a railroad like an overloaded gun?

Because it is too much for a charge.

When is a United States soldier like a man with a ragged coat? When he is out under arms.

When is a beaver hat a wide-awake? When it has lost its nap.