The Handbook of Conundrums Part 24

Why can hotel boarders dine off the gong? Because "it is a-rousing dinner."

Why is a retired actor like an extortioner? Because he is an ex-actor.

Who has most need to pray to be delivered from temptation? An editor, for he is beset by the "devil."

How can an actress appear in two pieces on the same evening? Because she's taking a part (taken apart).

Why is a watch like the moon? Because it presents halves and quarters and reports time.

Why is any divorced man like a man playing at ten pins? Because he has to pay an alimony (an alley-money).

Why is a woman, when blindfolded, like an ignorant school teacher?

Because her pupils are kept in the dark.

Why is a ball discharged in the air like an article for soldiers'

comfort? Because it is a blank hit (blanket).

Why is an honest poor man like a dishonest bankrupt man? Because they both fail to become rich.

Why is a beautiful woman at her marriage festival like one on horseback? Because she holds a bridal reign (bridle rein).

Why are the men appointed to wind up the affairs of a bank whose treasurer has defaulted, as bad as the treasurer himself? Because the receiver is as bad as the thief.

Why do architects make excellent actors? Because they are good at drawing houses.

Why is a blush an anomaly? Because a woman who blushes is admired for her cheek.

Why is a steel-trap like the small-pox? Because it is catching.

Why do girls kiss each other, and men not? Because girls have nothing better to kiss, and men have.

If I kiss a lady by mistake, what weapon do I use? A blunderbuss.

Why would young ladies of the present day make good pugilists?

Because they are eager to enter the ring at sixteen, and willing to make a match with a man twice their own size any day.

When is a man a m.u.f.f? When he holds a lady's hand without squeezing it.

When is a man a spoon? When he touches a lady's two lips without kissing them.

How would you measure a lover's sincerity? By his sighs (size).

When is music like vegetables? When there is two beats (beets) to a measure.

Why is the _Outlook_ like a man of fourscore? Because it's weekly.

Why is a false oath like a trial in the criminal court? Because it is per-jury.

Why are doctors always wicked men? Because the worse people are the more they are with them.

What sort of music should a girl sing whose voice is cracked and broken? Pieces.

What is better than an indifferent singer in a drawing room after dinner? A different one.

What animals always have gaiters on? Alligators.

What nation has always overcome in the end? Determination.

Why should you never sleep in a railway train? The train runs over sleepers.

What most frequently becomes a woman? A little girl.

What is an Englishman's notion of woman's mission? Sub-mission.

What remedy does an Irishman take for a scolding wife? He takes an e-lix-ir (he licks her).

What is the difference between a cloud of rain and a beaten child?

One pours with rain, the other roars with pain.

What did the sunbeam say to the violet? "Wilt thou?" And she wilted.

What rose is "born to blush unseen"? Neg-roes.

What relation is a loaf of bread to a locomotive? The mother--bread being a necessity, a locomotive being an invention, and "Necessity is the mother of invention."

What is more moist than a young lady with a waterfall on her head, a cataract in her eye, a little lake on each cheek, high-tied shoes, and a crick in her back? A young lady with a notion (an ocean) in her head.

What is the best kind of agricultural fair? A farmer's very pretty daughter.

Why is a photograph like a member of Congress? Because it's a representative.

Why is a pelted actor like a pardoned criminal? Because he's glad to get off.

When is a bank note like iron? When it is forged.

Why is the sun like a good loaf? It is light when it rises.

Why may a dyspeptic hope for a long life? He can't die just (digest) now.

Why does a person who is ailing lose his sense of touch? Because he does not feel well.

If you were to swallow a man, what sort of man would you prefer? A little London porter.

Why should you never make love in the country? Because corn has ears, potatoes eyes, and the beans talk.

Why is an aged man like a deserted house? His gait (gate) is broken, and his locks are few.

What did a blind man take at breakfast which restored his sight? A cup and saucer (saw, sir!).