The Handbook of Conundrums Part 25

Which is the laziest plant, and which the most active? The creeper and the running vine.

Why is an autoist whose machine has been completely wrecked like a reformed autoist? Because he has suddenly given up motoring.

What does a hen do when she stands on one foot? Lifts up the other.

Why should the largest tree be near a church? There should be no bigger tree (bigotry) there.

Why is a stupid servant like a church bell? He has to be often told (tolled).

Why are sailors in a leaky vessel like dancing masters? They depend on their pumps.

Why does a duck go into water? For diver's (diverse) reasons.

Why does a duck come out of water? For sun-dry (sundry) reasons.

What is the difference between a duck with one wing and one with two?

Merely a difference of a pinion (opinion).

Why wasn't Peary buried in New York? He isn't dead yet.

When is the wind like a woodchopper? When it cuts.

What makes the ocean get angry? It has been crossed so often.

What is the characteristic of a watch? Modesty, as it keeps its hands before its face, and runs down its own works.

When is a clock on the stairs dangerous? When it runs down.

Why is a girl like an arrow? Because she is sure to be in a quiver till her bow comes, and can't go off without one.

Why are teeth like verbs? Because they are regular, irregular, and defective.

What hands are those which work night and day, yet never wear out; which, although they strike, do not stop? Clock hands.

What's the difference between a gardener and a billiard marker? One minds his peas, the other his cues.

What is that which denotes the state of mind and of the body? The tongue.

Why are books your best friends? Because, when they bore you, you can shut them up without giving offense.

Why, when you are out in a boat, should you never be surprised by a sudden squall? Because, if you go for a sale, you may expect to be sold.

Why is no country free? Because anybody is liable to be sold by auction whom it is possible for the auctioneer to take in.

Why, if a man has a gallery of paintings, may you pick his pockets?

Because he has picked yours (pictures).

Why are pipes all humbugs? Because the best of them are but meer-shams.

Where can you find every word of your last interesting conversation with Miss all written down, word for word? In the dictionary.

What is that which a cat has but no other animal? Kittens.

Why is an egg like a colt? Because it isn't fit for use until it's broken.

How is it guns can kick when they have no legs? They kick with their breeches.

Why is a sporting clergyman like a soldier who runs from battle?

Because he departs from his sphere of action.

When is a soldier charitable? When he presents arms.

Why are cowardly soldiers like tallow candles? Because when they're exposed to the fire they run.

When may an army be said to be totally destroyed? When the soldiers are all in quarters.

Why is a defeated army like wool? Because it's worsted.

What sort of men are most aboveboard in their movements? Chessmen.

Why should good-natured people never go to small dancing parties?

Because hops produce great bitterness.

What is tantalizing? Giving invitations only to teas.

Why is flirting like plate-powder? Because it brightens the spoons.

What is a kiss? A receipt given you by a lady on paying your addresses.

When are kisses sweetest? When sirup-t.i.tiously (surrept.i.tiously) obtained.

Why are two young ladies kissing each other an emblem of Christianity? Because they are doing unto each other as they would men should do unto them.

Why is confessing to a father confessor like killing bees? Because you un-buzz-'em (unbosom).

When does a leopard change his spots? When he moves from one spot to another.

When an old woman in a scarlet cloak was crossing a field in which a goat was browsing, what took place? The goat turned to b.u.t.ter (b.u.t.t her), and the old woman into a scarlet runner.

What is the most wonderful animal in the farmyard? A pig, for he is killed and then cured.

Why is an elephant's head different from every other head? Because if you cut his head off his body you do not take it from the trunk.

Which has most legs, a cow or no cow? No cow has eight legs.

What is the difference between the cradle and the grave? The one is for the first born, the other for the last bourn.

Why must a Yankee speculator be very subject to water on the brain?

Because he always has an ocean (a notion) in his head.