The Handbook of Conundrums Part 27

Why is a greenback more desirable than gold? When you put it in your pocket you double it and when you take it out you find it in creases.

Why is it dangerous to walk out in the spring? The gra.s.s is full of blades, the trees are shooting, every flower has a pistil, and the bull rushes out.

What is that which, although only four inches long and three inches wide, contains a solid foot? A shoe.

What is the difference between a physician and a magician? One is a cupper, the other a sorcerer.

What becomes of all the pins? They fall to the earth, and become terra-pins.

Why is a belle like a locomotive? She transports the mails.

Why is a Freshman like a telescope? He is easily drawn out, seen through, and shut up.

Why is a flea like a long winter? It makes a backward spring.

What is the smallest room in the world? The mush-room.

What is the largest room in the world? Room for improvement.

What is that which is above all human imperfections, and yet shelters the weakest and most depraved, as well as the best of men? A hat.

Why does a man permit himself to be henpecked? Because he's chicken-hearted.

Why would a compliment from a chicken be an insult? Because it would be in fowl language.

Why is an aristocratic seminary for young ladies like a flower garden? Because it's a place of haughty culture (horticulture).

Why are deaf people like India shawls? Because you can't make them here (hear).

What is that which belongs to yourself, yet is used by every one more than yourself? Your name.

What tongue is that which frequently hurts and grieves you, and yet does not speak a word? The tongue of your shoe.

When may a man be said to be personally involved? When he is wrapped up in himself.

What is most like a horse's foot? A mare's.

Why is a horse an anomaly in the hunting-field? Because the better tempered he is the easier he takes a fence (offense).

What is a dogma? An opinion laid down with a snarl.

Why is a turnpike like a dead dog's tail? Because it stops a waggin'.

When are handcuffs like knapsacks? When made for two-wrists (tourists).

What is the difference between a b.u.t.terfly and a volcano? In one the lava comes out of the crater, in the other the "crater" comes out of the larva.

Why is a man riding swiftly up hill like one who presents a young lady with a young dog? He gives a gallop up (gal a pup).

Why is a love of the ocean like curiosity? It has sent many a boy to sea (see).

What is the best way to double a flock of sheep? Fold them.

Why are mortgages like burglars? They secure (seek your) money.

Why is a woman's thought like the telegraph? It is so much quicker than the mail (male) intelligence.

If you lose a dollar to-day, why would it be a good plan to lose another to-morrow? So as to make your loss a-gain.

What const.i.tutes a weighty discourse? First to ann-OUNCE a text, then to ex-POUND it.

What is disgusting to all but those who swallow it? Flattery.

Why is a lawyer like an honest man? He is a man of deeds as well as of words.

Why does a young man study law? To get on.

Why does he continue in the profession? To get honor.

Why does he leave the profession? To get honest.

What is the difference between fog and a falling star? One is a mist on earth, the other is missed in heaven.

Why is the present moment like skim-milk? It's sc.u.m (come).

Why is a four-quart measure like a sidesaddle? They both hold a gal(l)on.

How can you shoot one hundred and twenty hares at one shot? Fire at a wig.

Name that which, with only one eye put out, has but a nose left.

Noise.

Why are laundresses good navigators? Because they are always crossing the line, and going from pole to pole.

What is that which if you name it even you break it? Silence.

What is that which you can keep even after giving it to somebody else? Your word.

What is that which the dead and the living do at the same time? Go round with the world.

What snuff-taker is that whose box gets fuller the more pinches he takes? The snuffers.

Why are your nose and chin constantly at variance? Because words are continually pa.s.sing between them.

What is the smallest bridge in the world? The bridge of your nose.

Why is a Jew in a fever like the famous Koh-i-noor diamond? Because he's a Jew-ill.

Why is an undutiful son like one born deaf? Because your voice is lost upon him.