The Handbook of Conundrums Part 33

When may a man be said to breakfast before he gets up? When he takes a roll in bed.

When are volunteers not volunteers? When they are mustered (mustard).

Which is the merriest sauce? Caper sauce.

Why is a cat going up three pairs of stairs like a high hill? Because she's a-mounting (a mountain).

Why is a lead pencil like a perverse child? Because it never does write (right) by itself.

Why are wooden s.h.i.+ps, as compared with ironclads, of the female s.e.x?

Because they are the weaker vessels.

At what time of life may a man be said to belong to the vegetable kingdom? When long experience has made him sage.

When is a sailor not a sailor? When he is aloft.

What wild animals may be correctly shut up in one enclosure? Twelve ounces in one pound.

What makes a pair of boots? Two boots.

What tree is of the greatest importance in history? The date.

Why is the superintendent of a children's play-ground like a stranded vessel? Because he runs a-ground.

Why is the road-bed laborer on a railroad like a hunted bear in the mountains? Because he makes tracks for his life.

Why is the engineer of a train like an aeronaut? Because he frequently slows down.

Why is it impossible that there should be a best horse on a race course? Because there is always a bettor.

When may a s.h.i.+p be said to be in love? When she wishes for a mate.

What is that which has never been felt, seen, or heard,--never existed, and still has a name? Nothing.

Why is a congreve-box without matches superior to all other boxes?

Because it is matchless.

Why is a postman in danger of losing his way? Because he is guided by the directions of strangers.

What is that which comes with a coach, goes with a coach, is of no use to the coach, and yet the coach cannot go without it? Noise.

Why is a missionary like a pig roasting on a spit? Because he goes around doing good.

Why are hogs more intelligent than humans? Because they nose (knows) everything.

What makes a pet dog wag his tail when he sees his master? Because he's got one to wag.

What other edifice does a man sometimes carry about with him besides a sty in his eye? A castle in the (h)air.

When is a fast young man nearest heaven? When on a lark.

When is a cigar like a shoulder of pork? When it's smoked.

When is a man most likely to get floored (flawed)? When he's up late (a plate), and so runs a chance of becoming cracked.

What are the features of the cannon? Cannon-mouth, canon-ize, and cannon-eers.

Who always sits with his hat on before the queen? Her coachman.

Why is a pig in the drawing-room like a house on fire? Because the sooner it is put out the better.

When is a river not a river? When it is eye water (high water).

What trade never turns to the left? A wheelwright.

What trade is more than full? Fuller.

Why is electricity like the police when they are wanted? Because it is an invisible force.

When is a borough like a s.h.i.+p? When it is under canva.s.s.

Why are guns like trees? People plant them and they shoot.

How does a boy look if you hurt him? It makes him yell O! (yellow).

What part of your ear would be the most essential for a martial band?

The drum.

What is it that stands aloft, and regulates our daily movements, yet feels no interest in our concerns; directs us when to go, and when to come; yet cares not whether we attend or not; still, thus indifferent to our fate, often strikes a heavy blow to urge us on, and we feel no resentment when the reproof is given? A clock.

Why is the dove a very cautious little dear? Because he minds his peas and coos.

When is a baby like a breakfast cup? When it's a tea thing (teething).

Why is a chicken served to a minister like a theological student?

Because it is about to enter the ministry.

What animal keeps the best time? A watch dog.

When is a young lady's cheek not a cheek? When it is a little pale (pail).

When is a nose not a nose? When it is a little reddish (radish).

What sort of a face does the auctioneer like best? One that is for-bidding.

When is a straight field not a straight field? When it is a rye field (a wry).

What is it that walks with its head downward? A nail in a shoe.