The Handbook of Conundrums Part 32

Because they are always on cord (encored).

What is the difference between a widow and a window? Little if N-y; for the trans-parents griefs of the one, like the panes of the other, are removed in course of re-pairing; and the latter is for mankind to look out of, while the former looks out for mankind.

When may a loaf of bread be said to be inhabited? When it has a little Indian in it.

What part of a fish weighs most? The scales.

What is that which works when it plays and plays when it works? A fountain.

Why is divinity the easiest of the three learned professions? Because it is easier to preach than to practice.

Why are sailors bad hors.e.m.e.n? Because they ride on the main (mane).

Why is a sword belt like a cow upon a common? Because it goes round the waste (waist).

Why is a thief like a knocker? Because they are tied up to prevent disturbance.

What's the difference between a bee and a donkey? One gets all the honey, and the other all the whacks (wax).

Why is sealing wax like a rifleman? Because it's often under arms.

Why are cripples and beggars similar to shepherds and fishermen?

Because they live by hook and by crook.

What is that which has four legs and flies in the air? Two canary birds.

What is the only pain of which every one makes light? A window pane.

Why is a smith a dangerous companion? Because he deals in forgery.

Why are coals like poor laboring men? Because they feed the great.

Why is an honest friend like orange chips? Because he's candid.

Why is a peach-stone like a regiment? Because it has a colonel (kernel).

Why is a playhouse like a punch bowl? Because it is best when full.

What is the princ.i.p.al part of a horse? The mane (main) part.

Why is a candle like an atheist? Because it's wicked.

Why is a dog like a tree? Because they both produce a bark.

What barrel is best fitted for a soldier's helmet? A cask (casque).

Why is it no offense to conspire in the evening? What is treasonable is reasonable after _t_.

Why is a corpse like a man with a cold? Because he is in a-coughing.

Why is a fiddler like a man in amaze? Because he's at a stand.

What part of a fish is like the end of a book? The fin-is.

What language should a linguist end with? The Finnish.

What sea is most traveled by clever intellectual people? Brilliancy.

What is the difference between a butcher and a flirt? One kills to dress, the other dresses to kill.

Why is marriage with a deceased wife's sister like the wedding of two fish? Because it's a-finny-tie (affinity).

A man bought two fishes, but on taking them home found he had three; how was this? He had two--and one smelt.

If the poker, shovel, and tongs cost five dollars, what would a ton of coal come to? To ashes.

Why is a blacksmith the most dissatisfied of all mechanics? Because he's always on the strike for wages.

Why is selling off bankrupt goods like preparing a dish of soup?

Because it is a liquidation of stock.

Why is a wide-awake so called? Because it never had a nap, and never wants one.

What is the difference between a young lady and a wide-awake hat? One has feeling, the other is felt.

What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing street cars.

What is the oldest lunatic on record? Time out of mind.

How can you make one pound of green tea go as far as five pounds of black? Buy the above quant.i.ties in Boston, and send them down to New York.

Why is a patent safety Hansom cab a dangerous carriage to drive in?

Because the cabman always drives over your head.

Why is whispering in company like a forged bank note? Because it is uttered but not allowed.

Which constellation resembles an empty fireplace? The Great Bear.

What is the last remedy for a smoky chimney? Putting the fire out.

Why is a clever wit like a chemist? Because he has many a good retort.

Why is a bankrupt husband an ardent lover? Because his is unremitting affection.

What is the difference between a spendthrift and a feather bed? One is hard up and the other soft down.

What comes after cheese? Mouse.

Why is a mouse entering a mouse trap like a diplomat arguing his policy? Because each has a well-defined end in view.