The Handbook of Conundrums Part 6

Why did the population of Rome decrease just before the fall of the empire? Because the Romans had ceased to practice husbandry.

When Charles I was beheaded, of what dish did the executioner dine, and where? He took a chop at the King's Head.

Why ought Charles I to have preferred burning to decapitation?

Because a hot steak (stake) is always preferable to a cold chop.

Why did the Highlanders do most execution at Waterloo? Because every man had one kilt before the battle began.

Why are the Royal Academicians the greatest swells ever known?

Because Solomon, even in all his glory, was not R. A.'d (arrayed) like one of these.

What piece of music did the Romans, at the time of the early Christians, most enjoy? A stab at martyr (A Stabat Mater).

If a nice plump Member of Parliament were eaten uncooked by savages, why would he be like Louis Napoleon? Because he would be served as an M. P. raw (emperor).

Why is the list of celebrated musical composers like a saucepan?

Because it is incomplete without a Handel.

When was Napoleon I most shabbily dressed? When out at Elba (elbow).

What was once the most fas.h.i.+onable cap in Paris? The mob--without a crown.

In what respects were the governments of Algiers and Malta as different as light from darkness? The one was governed by deys, the other by knights.

Why is the Delaware River like an inkstand? Because Penn was the first man who entered it.

Why did Marcus Curtius leap into the gulf in Rome? Because he thought it a good opening for a young man.

What were the odds at the battle of Aliwal? They were six (Sikhs) and we (the English) one (won).

What Indian battle tried the metal (mettle) of the English soldiers?

The battle of a.s.say(e).

Who is the first little boy mentioned by a single word in the history of England? Chap. I.

Who was the first postman? Cadmus. He carried letters from Phoenicia to Greece.

Where was Humboldt going when he was thirty-nine years old? Into his fortieth year.

What three letters give the name of a famous Roman general? C P O (Scipio).

Why did Louis Philippe omit to take his umbrella when he left Paris?

Just as he left the rain (reign) was over.

Why are the English the worst judges of cattle in the world? Because the Pope sent them a bull and they thought it a bore (boar).

If you wish a very religious man to go to sleep, by what imperial name should you address him? Nap-holy-un (Napoleon).

Why is the palace of the Louvre the cheapest ever erected? Because it was built for one sovereign--and finished for another.

Why is it only natural that the memory of Guy Fawkes should be execrated? Because he was the inventor of parliamentary trains, and they are wretchedly slow.

Show that a simple typographical error was the cause of the defeats of the poor Austrians (1866). They sent for reserves, and got reverses.

Why is a worn-out shoe like ancient Greece? Because it once had a Solon (sole on).

Why should Columbus be cla.s.sed among astronomers rather than among explorers? Because he discovered a whole New World.

What's the difference between a middle-aged cooper and a trooper of the Middle Ages? The one is used to put a head on his cask, the other used to put a cask (casque) on his head.

What fruit is like a Guy Fawkes? A fig, for is it not an F I G (effigy)?

How is it England and Russia conjointly govern the ocean? Because England rules the waves, and Russia the serfs.

What was the difference between Shakespeare and Queen Elizabeth? One was a WONder, the other a TUdor.

What Tory do the Whigs want on their side? Vic-tory.

It went before Queen Mary, it followed King William to the end? The letter "m."

Who caught the fossil fishes? The geological fissures (fishers).

Why was the Shah of Persia, during his visit to England, the best card-player in the world? Because the swells gave up their clubs; workmen threw up their spades, and the ladies were within an ace of losing their hearts, when he came to show his diamonds.

Why was Martin Luther like a dyspeptic robin? The Diet of Wurms did not agree with him.

When was beef-tea introduced into England? When Henry VIII dissolved the Pope's bull.

Why could not Napoleon III insure his life? Because no man living was able to make out his policy.

What is the difference between two celebrated Saxon leaders of the fifth century and two others famous in these days? The former were Engist and Horsa, the latter are engines and horses.

What celebrated battle was fought in a dirty slum? The battle of A-gin-court.

What did Queen Elizabeth take her pills in? In cider (inside her).

What was Joan of Arc made of? Maid of Orleans.

What did they find under the Maine? A horse's neck.

What ought to be Sir Edwin Landseer's motto? Give a dog a good name and--hang him.

Some one mentioning that "columba" was the Latin for a "dove," it gave rise to the following: What is the difference between the Old World and the New? The former was discovered by _Columba_, who started from Noah; the latter by Columbus, who started from Ge-noa.

What is the difference between Kossuth and a half-starved countryman?

One is a native of Hungary, the other is a hungry native.

Who may be said to have had the largest family in America? George Was.h.i.+ngton, for he was the father of his country.