The Handbook of Conundrums Part 7

CHAPTER V

CONUNDRUMS OF THE CIVIL WAR PERIOD

Why does our army differ from the army of the Revolution? Because in one case the army is bound to defend Was.h.i.+ngton, in the other Was.h.i.+ngton was bound to defend the army.

Why is the Republican Party like a celebrated English ruler of the seventeenth century, "Oliver Cromwell, the Blacksmith"? Because it breaks asunder the chains of despotism and adds a link on (A.

Lincoln) to history.

Why is an owl in the daylight like the President of the United States? Because he is a-blinkin' (Abe Lincoln).

Why is one of the new Treasury notes like a young lady's love letter?

Because it is the acknowledgment of a loan made (lone maid) to which an unusual amount of interest is attached.

Why is the American Union a puzzle to the most profound astronomers?

Because some of its "stars" have gone, and they cannot predict their return.

Why is General McClellan like the Established Church? Because he governs by Can(n)on Law.

Why is a diamond in a cup of cold water like the Union? Because it will not dissolve.

Why are the shot and sh.e.l.l of the blockading squadron like lovers'

vows? Because they are intended for privateers (private ears).

Why are American greenbacks like the Jews? Because they are the product of Abraham, and no one knows if they will ever be redeemed.

Upon what guard do the New York Zouaves most desire to be put?

Beaure-guard.

Why would the colors of our national ensign make a good dress for ladies? Because they are colors that won't run.

Why are our fas.h.i.+onable ladies like a certain cla.s.s of the city employees? Because they may be seen by scores on a fair day sweeping the streets.

In what relation does the President of the United States stand to Adam? As second son, because his name is Abe L. (Abel).

Why is it impossible for the government to grant the request of our Southern brethren? Because children in arms are never left alone.

Why, when the rebels smite us upon the right cheek, should we refuse to turn towards them the left cheek also? Because they have too much "cheek" already.

Why is Major General McClellan like Charles d.i.c.kens? Because he is the author of "Great Expectations."

Why are Jeff Davis's letters of marque like secrets? Because they are for privateers (private ears).

Why was Cain an enemy of President Lincoln? Because he hated Abe L.

Why is our army like an entry clerk? Because it is ready to charge.

Why is President Lincoln like a mariner on a desolate sh.o.r.e? Because he looks to Seward (seaward).

How does the Copyright Law affect the war? It gives us the right to _enter_, according to act of Congress, all the rebel States.

Why cannot rebels ever dress well? Because they have proved, by deserting their flag, that they have no eye for colors.

Why was the capture of Fort Hatteras like an English n.o.bleman's mansion? Because there was a Butler engaged in it.

Why will Americans have more cause to remember the letter S than any other letter in the alphabet? Because it is the beginning of secession and the end of Jeff Davis.

Why should it not be loyal for a Union lady to accept a token of regard from a lover at the present time? Because it would be receiving a Beauregard (beau-regard).

Why is the rebellion like the world? Because it is coming to an end.

Why has Ma.s.sachusetts done more towards the war loan than any other State? Because she has sent even her Banks.

Why are two lovers pledged to each other like the Federal Army before Was.h.i.+ngton? Because they have lately had an engagement and go in strong for the Union.

Why is a hen looking into a rotten pumpkin like the Southern Confederacy? Because she is trying to see seed (secede).

Why is the city of Was.h.i.+ngton like a despairing old maid? Because she has looked long and in vain for a Beauregard.

What one sentence expresses the wish of both the Southern Confederacy and the United States government? Let us alone (a loan).

What route should our army take at the present? The rout of the enemy.

Why is a man just knighted like a nutmeg? Because he's grated.

Why are lamps like the Thames? Because they have lighters.

Why is a sedan chair like the world? Because it's between two poles.

What is the most favorable season to have your letters from India?

The season which brings the monsoon.

How do you know that the Queen approves of the penny postage? Because she gives her countenance to it.

Why is the old elm on Boston Common like the ladies of Boston?

Because they are well hooped.

How long should a lady's crinoline be made? A little over two feet.

Why are ladies who wear large crinolines ugly? Because they are not even pa.s.sable.

Why are washerwomen unreasonable? They expect soft water when it rains hard.

Why are they the greatest of coquettes? They wring men's ruffled bosoms.