The Handbook of Conundrums Part 8

CHAPTER VI

GEOGRAPHICAL CONUNDRUMS

What would happen if a colored waiter dropped a platter with a turkey upon it? The humiliation of Africa, the fall of Turkey, the destruction of China, and the overflowing of Greece.

What river is that which runs between two seas? The Thames--between Chel-sea and Batter-sea.

When is the river Thames good for the eyes? When it is high (eye) water.

Which are the lightest men--Scotchmen, Irishmen, or Englishmen? In Ireland there are men of Cork; in Scotland men of Ayr; but in England, on the Thames, there are lighter men.

What city of the world do artists make the most drawings of? Cork.

What islands would form a cheerful luncheon party? Friendly, Society, a Sandwich, and Madeira.

Which one of the United States is the largest and most popular? The state of matrimony.

Why is a young man engaged to a young lady like a man sailing for a port in France? Because he is bound to Havre (have her).

How many young ladies does it take to reach from New York to Philadelphia? About one hundred, because a Miss is as good as a mile.

Why is Great Britain like Palestine? Because it's the Holy Land (whole island).

If a man and his wife go to Europe together, what is the difference in their mode of traveling? He goes abroad, and she goes along.

Why are the Germans like quinine and gentian? Because they are two-tonics (Teutonics).

What is the most difficult river on which to get a boat? Arno, because there Arno boats there.

Why should we pity the young Esquimaux? Because each one of them is born to blubber,--and ever to be-wail fis.h.i.+ng, and walking with his snows frozen.

Why was the country of Phoenicia like an automobile? Because it had a Tyre on its border.

Why is the Empress of the French always in bad company? Because she is ever surrounded by Paris-ites.

What sea would a man like most to be in on a wet day? Adriatic (a dry attic).

How many Spanish n.o.blemen does it take to make an Englishman run?

Ten-dons.

What's the difference between an Irishman frozen to death and a Highlander on a mountain-peak in January? One is kilt with the cold, and the other cold with the kilt.

What county of England, if you dislike it extremely, would you run the chance of being stifled in? If you hate Suffolk, you would, very naturally, Suffolk-hate when in it (suffocate).

Two Spaniards went up in a balloon. The balloon burst. What nationality were they while coming down? The one came down a Russian (a-rus.h.i.+ng); the other caught on a telegraph wire and came down a Pole.

When is a tradesman at the seaside, though in London? When he comes from Dover to _Deal_.

How many cows' tails would it take to reach from Boston to New York?

One, if it was long enough.

What is more foolish than sending coals to Newcastle? Sending milk to Cowes.

Why is the map of Turkey like a frying-pan? Because it has Greece (grease) at the bottom.

Why is the steeple of St. Paul's Church, London, like Ireland?

Because there is a bell fast in it (Belfast).

What part of a bag of grain is like a Russian soldier? A coa.r.s.e-sack (Cossack).

Why is a drunkard hesitating to sign the pledge like a skeptical Hindoo? Because he is in doubt whether to give up his jug or not (Juggernaut).

Why is a dissipated young man like Berlin, the capital of Germany?

Because he is always on a Spree.

What nation is it which, when allied to us, becomes the very home of despair? Tar-tar-us.

Where ought children who bite their fingers to be sent? To gnaw-thumb-erland (Northumberland).

Why is a short man struggling to kiss a tall woman like an Irishman going up Vesuvius? Because, sure, he's trying to get at the mouth of the crater.

What is the greatest miracle ever worked in Ireland? Waking the dead.

Why is a Welshman like a beggar? Owing to the Menai Straits through which he goes.

For what reason ought a Frenchman who speaks imperfect English and an Englishman who is equally unacquainted with French never to converse together? To prevent their using bad language.

Why is Ireland likely to become rich? Because the capital is always Dublin (doubling).

What two letters make a county in Ma.s.sachusetts? S X (Ess.e.x).

Why is the wick of a candle like Athens? It is in the midst of grease (Greece).

Why is China a desirable country for a man to select a wife in?

Because he can make up his mind from pickin' to choose Ann (Pekin to Chusan).

What is the difference between the North and South Pole? All the difference in the world.

What part of Spain does your cat, sleeping by herself on the hearth-rug, resemble? Cat-alone-here (Catalonia).

Why is Westminster Abbey like a hearth? Because the ashes of the great (grate) lie there.

Why are corn and potatoes like Chinese idols? Because they have ears which cannot hear, and eyes which cannot see.

Which one of the Seven Wonders of the World are railway engines like?