The New Pun Book Part 11

"There is a man who never knew such a thing as fear."

"Ah, had a military training, I suppose."

"No; his nerve is inherited. His father and his grandfather were both janitors."

"What is the plural of man, Johnny?" asked the teacher of a small pupil.

"Men," answered Johnny.

"Correct," said the teacher. "And what is the plural of child?"

"Twins," was the unexpected answer.

FIRST COMEDIAN--"Did you score a hit with your new specialty?"

SECOND COMEDIAN--"Did I? Why, the audience gazed in open-mouthed wonder before I was half through."

FIRST COMEDIAN--"Wonderful! It is seldom that an entire audience yawns at once."

If I might hold that hand again Clasped lovingly in mine, I'd little care what others sought-- That hand I held, lang syne!

That hand! Oh, warm it was and soft!

Soft? Ne'er was so soft a thing!

Ah, me! I'll hold it ne'er again-- Ace, ten, knave, queen and king!

WIFE--"Got a dollar?"

HUSBAND--"Where's the last dollar I gave you?"

"Gone."

"I thought I told you to make it go as far as you could."

"I did."

"Doesn't look like it."

"Well, I did; I sent it to the Fiji Island heathen."

Some one threw a head of cabbage at an Irish orator while he was making a speech once. He paused a second, and said: "Gentlemen, I only asked for your ears, I don't care for your heads!" He was not bothered any more during the remainder of his speech.

"Why are you sad, Bill?"

"Oh, I am troubled with dyspepsia."

"How can that be?"

"I got licked at school 'cause I couldn't spell it."

MRS. LIMBERCHIN--I was so mad last night I couldn't speak.

MR. L.--And I was away! Just my luck!

--"That Jersey murderer was clever to get off as he did, wasn't he?"

--"What was his plea--insanity?"

--"No, malaria."

"I've been married five years, and I've got a bushel of children."

"How's that?"

"My name is Peck. I've got four children. Don't four pecks make a bushel?"

The weary desert stretched for miles. Stretched for sheer weariness. Not a drop of water was in sight.

Then it was that the traveler had an inspiration.