The New Pun Book Part 33

HE--Did you ever see anything at so-called bargain sales that was really cheap?

SHE--Yes; the look on the man's face who accompanied his wife to one of them.

TEACHER OF DRAWING CLa.s.s--"Willie, tell me how you would make a maltese cross."

WILLIE--"Step on his tail, mum."

GUEST--"Look here, waiter, do you call this a spring chicken? By the lord Harry, it is as tough as a mother-in-law's tongue."

WAITER--"Yes, sir, I suppose it was hatched from a hardboiled egg!"

"About the only time my tailor gives his customers regular fit,"

said b.u.t.tons, "is when they neglect to pay their bills."

A man with the heart disease is about the only chap who desires a "regular beat" for a bosom friend.

The landlord came to Mrs. O'Hooligan on the first day of May last, and said: "See here, my foine loidy, I am going to raise your rent." "Oh thanks be to the Lord," said Mrs. O'Hooligan, "I'm so glad that you intend to raise it for me as Dan aint'

working and I'm nather able nor willing to raise it myself."

HE--The bride looks radiant, as brides usually do.

SHE--Yes, but the bridegroom appears rather run down.

HE--Run down eh? That's just it; caught after a long chase.

SHE--You look as though you had raised Ned at your club last night.

HE--I did; and, what is worse, he raised me back.

FRANKLIN--"Do you know, I started in life as a barefooted boy?"

HARDY--"Well, I'll tell you I wasn't born with shoes on."

Before marriage, women wants tenderness. In a little while she is satisfied with legal tender.

PAT--Who is being lowered into a well; "Sthop, will ye, Murphy?

Oi want to coom up again."

MURPHY--Still letting him down, "Phat for?"

PAT--"Oi'll Show ye. Af ye don't sthop lettin' me doon, Oi'll cut the rope."

It is a Maine husband who has dubbed his wife "Crystal," because she is always "on the watch."

"So Maude is happily married?"

"Happily? I should say she is! Why she married a somnambulist, who gets up in his sleep every morning and builds the fire."

Two Hebrews went to a Mills Hotel and were obliged to take a bath before retiring.

Upon beholding each other, one shouted in surprise, "Oh, Abey, how dirty you are!"

"Vell, what you tink?" said Abey, "I'm three years older dan you."

A teacher in a high school asked a little wad of an Irish boy to describe a lake. "Sure and it is hole in the kettle."