The New Pun Book Part 35

Everybody knows a woman is hard to please. She likes the matrimonial harness, but doesn't like to be hitched up with a man who is strapped.

"I wonder why blondes are always anxious to be wedded?"

"I guess it is because they're naturally light-headed."

Each evening a good-looking Mr.

Comes around for a visit to my Sr.; One night on the stairs, He, all unawares, Put his arm round her figure and Kr.

"Do you know the nature of an oath, ma'am?" inquired the judge.

"Well, I reckon I orter," was the reply. "My husband drives a ca.n.a.l boat."

BROWN--"Young Dudel's body has been recovered." "Why, I didn't know he had been drowned." "He hasn't. He merely bought a new suit of clothes."

"Yes, I have seen the day when Mr. Hart the millionaire, did not have a pair of shoes to cover his feet."

"And when was that, pray?"

"At the time he was bathing."

"Widowhood makes a woman unselfish." "Why so?" "Because she ceases to look out for Number One and begins to look out for Number Two."

The judge asked an Irish policeman named O'Connell, "When did you last see your sister?" The policeman replied: "The last time I saw her, Judge, was about eight months ago, when she called at my home, and I was out." "Then you did not see her on that occasion?" "No, Judge; I wasn't there."

If Broomstick, as rumored, is in a woman's hands, he may be booked to beat the favorite.

Torchlight and Igniter, coupled should prove a red hot combination, but with Extinguisher in the race might not bring in any money to burn.

Animosity evidently has it in for some of the others.

Surmise ought to keep a lot of them guessing.

BROWN--What kind of a cigar is that, old man?

JONES--It's called "The Soldier Boy."

BROWN--H'm, I notice it belongs to the ranks.

"Can I sell you a nice cheap trunk to-day?" asked a dealer.

"And what the d.i.c.kens do Oi be after wantin' a thrunk?"

"To put your clothes in, of course!"

"And go naked? Not a bit iv it!"

We are told that "Gen. Sherman was always coolest when on the point of attack." Most people are hottest when on the point of a tack.

"I wish the hot weather would come along," sighed the thermometer. "People are beginning to look upon me as a thing of low degree."

"I wouldn't stand for that if I were you. Why don't you call him a liar?"

"That's just what I'll do. Where, where is your telephone?"