The New Pun Book Part 7

"My friend," said the long-coated old man, solemnly, "have you made preparation for the day of judgment?"

"Sir," replied the young man, "that's how I make my living."

"Young man!"

"I'm employed in the sheriffs office."

"George, you look exhausted," she said to him as he was putting on his hat and coat.

"Yes," he answered, glancing towards his daughter at the piano.

"I'm played out."

Of the heroine in one of the latest sensational novels it is said: "Her eyes chained him to the spit." She must have been links-eyed.

"Do I bore you?" asked the mosquito, politely, as he sunk a half-inch shaft into the man's leg.

"Not at all," replied the man, squas.h.i.+ng him with a book. "How do I strike you?"

"How did that fight between the bridge tenders end?"

"It was fought to a draw--and they both fell in!"

What kind of essence does a young man like when he pops the question? Acquiescence.

MAs.h.i.+NGTON--What's the matter with your clock? It's stopped.

TAILOR--I never wind it up. I use it as a motto.

"What do you mean?"

"No tick here."

The hawk was dozing. "You look," said the jay, from a safe distance, "as if you were full."

"Well," the hawk admitted, "I have just been having a little lark that was a bird."

"You ought to be very proud of your wife. She is a brilliant talker."

"You're right there."

"Why, I could listen to her all night."

"I have to."

"I once knew a man who, with the aid of a microscope, made a harness for a flea."

"Humph!" replied the other, "that's nothing. I saw that same flea harnessed."

"You want a divorce from your wife, do you?"

"Yes, sir, I do."

"What grounds?"

"Incompatability. She and the cook are quarreling continually."

"How about the lazy man who hurt his eye looking for work?"

"That's nothing. How about the industrious safe breaker doing time for making money?"