Mrs. Caudle's Curtain Lectures Part 6

"'Pon my word, Mr. Caudle, I think it a waste of time to come to bed at all now! The c.o.c.ks will be crowing in a minute. Keeping people up till past twelve. Oh yes! you're thought a man of very fine feelings out of doors, I dare say! It's a pity you haven't a little feeling for those belonging to you at home. A nice hour to keep people out of their beds!

"WHY DID I SIT UP, THEN?

"Because I chose to sit up--but that's my thanks. No, it's no use your talking, Caudle; I never WILL let the girl sit up for you, and there's an end. What do you say?

"WHY DOES SHE SIT UP WITH ME, THEN?

"That's quite a different matter: you don't suppose I'm going to sit up alone, do you? What do you say?

"WHAT'S THE USE OF TWO SITTING UP?

"That's my business. No, Caudle, it's no such thing. I DON'T sit up because I may have the pleasure of talking about it; and you're an ungrateful, unfeeling creature to say so. I sit up because I choose it; and if you don't come home all the night long--and 'twill soon come to that, I've no doubt--still, I'll never go to bed, so don't think it.

"Oh, yes! the time runs away very pleasantly with you men at your clubs--selfish creatures! You can laugh and sing, and tell stories, and never think of the clock; never think there's such a person as a wife belonging to you. It's nothing to you that a poor woman's sitting up, and telling the minutes, and seeing all sorts of things in the fire--and sometimes thinking something dreadful has happened to you--more fool she to care a straw about you!--This is all nothing. Oh no; when a woman's once married she's a slave--worse than a slave--and must bear it all!

"And what you men can find to talk about I can't think! Instead of a man sitting every night at home with his wife, and going to bed at a Christian hour,--going to a club, to meet a set of people who don't care a b.u.t.ton for him--it's monstrous! What do you say?

"YOU ONLY GO ONCE A WEEK?

"That's nothing at all to do with it: you might as well go every night; and I daresay you will soon. But if you do, you may get in as you can: _I_ won't sit up for you, I can tell you.

"My health's being destroyed night after night, and--oh, don't say it's only once a week; I tell you that's nothing to do with it--if you had any eyes, you would see how ill I am; but you've no eyes for anybody belonging to you: oh no! your eyes are for people out of doors. It's very well for you to call me a foolish, aggravating woman! I should like to see the woman who'd sit up for you as I do.

"YOU DIDN'T WANT ME TO SIT UP?

"Yes, yes; that's your thanks--that's your grat.i.tude: I'm to ruin my health, and to be abused for it. Nice principles you've got at that club, Mr. Caudle!

"But there's one comfort--one great comfort; it can't last long: I'm sinking--I feel it, though I never say anything about it--but I know my own feelings, and I say it can't last long. And then I should like to know who will sit up for you! Then I should like to know how your second wife--what do you say?

"YOU'LL NEVER BE TROUBLED WITH ANOTHER?

"Troubled, indeed! I never troubled you, Caudle. No; it's you who've troubled me; and you know it; though like a foolish woman I've borne it all, and never said a word about it. But it CAN'T last-- that's one blessing!

"Oh, if a woman could only know what she'd have to suffer before she was married--Don't tell me you want to go to sleep! If you want to go to sleep, you should come home at proper hours! It's time to get up, for what I know, now. Shouldn't wonder if you hear the milk in five minutes--there's the sparrows up already; yes, I say the sparrows; and, Caudle, you ought to blush to hear 'em.

"YOU DON'T HEAR 'EM?

"Ha! you won't hear 'em, you mean: _I_ hear 'em. No, Mr. Caudle; it ISN'T the wind whistling in the keyhole; I'm not quite foolish, though you may think so. I hope I know wind from a sparrow!

"Ha! when I think what a man you were before we were married! But you're now another person--quite an altered creature. But I suppose you're all alike--I dare say, every poor woman's troubled and put upon, though I should hope not so much as I am. Indeed, I should hope not! Going and staying out, and -

"What!

"YOU'LL HAVE A KEY?

"Will you? Not while I'm alive, Mr Caudle. I'm not going to bed with the door upon the latch for you or the best man breathing.

"YOU WON'T HAVE A LATCH--YOU'LL HAVE A CHUBB'S LOCK?

"Will you? I'll have no Chubb here, I can tell you. What do you say?

"YOU'LL HAVE THE LOCK PUT ON TO-MORROW?

"Well, try it; that's all I say, Caudle; try it. I won't let you put me in a pa.s.sion; but all I say is,--try it.

"A respectable thing, that, for a married man to carry about with him,--a street-door key! That tells a tale I think. A nice thing for the father of a family! A key! What, to let yourself in and out when you please! To come in, like a thief in the middle of the night, instead of knocking at the door like a decent person! Oh, don't tell me that you only want to prevent me sitting up--if I choose to sit up what's that to you? Some wives, indeed, would make a noise about sitting up, but YOU'VE no reason to complain--goodness knows!

"Well, upon my word, I've lived to hear something. Carry the street- door key about with you! I've heard of such things with young good- for-nothing bachelors, with n.o.body to care what became of 'em; but for a married man to leave his wife and children in a house with a door upon the latch--don't talk to me about Chubb, it's all the same- -a great deal you must care for us. Yes, it's very well for you to say that you only want the key for peace and quietness--what's it to you, if I like to sit up? You've no business to complain; it can't distress you. Now, it's no use your talking; all I say is this, Caudle: if you send a man to put on any lock here, I'll call in a policeman; as I'm your married wife, I will.

"No, I think when a man comes to have the street-door key, the sooner he turns bachelor altogether the better. I'm sure, Caudle, I don't want to be any clog upon you. Now, it's no use your telling me to hold my tongue, for I--What?

"I GIVE YOU THE HEADACHE, DO I?

"No, I don't, Caudle; it's your club that gives you the headache; it's your smoke, and your--well! if ever I knew such a man in all my life! there's no saying a word to you! You go out, and treat yourself like an emperor--and come home at twelve at night, or any hour for what I know, and then you threaten to have a key, and--and-- and--"

"I did get to sleep at last," says Caudle, "amidst the falling sentences of 'take children into a lodging'--'separate maintenance'-- 'won't be made a slave of'--and so forth."

LECTURE XIII--MRS. CAUDLE HAS BEEN TO SEE HER DEAR MOTHER.--CAUDLE, ON THE "JOYFUL OCCASION," HAS GIVEN A PARTY, AND ISSUED A CARD OF INVITATION

"It IS hard, I think, Mr. Caudle, that I can't leave home for a day or two, but the house must be turned into a tavern: a tavern?--a pothouse! Yes, I thought you were very anxious that I should go; I thought you wanted to get rid of me for something, or you would not have insisted on my staying at dear mother's all night. You were afraid I should get cold coming home, were you? Oh yes, you can be very tender, you can, Mr. Caudle, when it suits your own purpose.

Yes! and the world thinks what a good husband you are! I only wish the world knew you as well as I do, that's all; but it shall, some day, I'm determined.

"I'm sure the house will not be sweet for a month. All the curtains are poisoned with smoke; and what's more, with the filthiest smoke I ever knew.

"TAKE 'EM DOWN, THEN?

"Yes, it's all very well for you to say take 'em down; but they were only cleaned and put up a month ago; but a careful wife's lost upon you, Mr. Caudle. You ought to have married somebody who'd have let your house go to wreck and ruin, as I will for the future. People who don't care for their families are better thought of than those who do; I've long found out THAT.

"And what a condition the carpet's in! They've taken five pounds out of it, if a farthing, with their filthy boots, and I don't know what besides. And then the smoke in the hearthrug, and a large cinder- hole burnt in it! I never saw such a house in MY life! If you wanted to have a few friends, why couldn't you invite 'em when your wife's at home, like any other man? not have 'em sneaking in, like a set of housebreakers, directly a woman turns her back. They must be pretty gentlemen, they must; mean fellows, that are afraid to face a woman! Ha! and you all call yourselves the lords of the creation! I should only like to see what would become of the creation, if you were left to yourselves! A pretty pickle creation would be in very soon!

"You must all have been in a nice condition! What do you say?

"YOU TOOK NOTHING?

"Took nothing, didn't you? I'm sure there's such a regiment of empty bottles, I haven't had the heart to count 'em. And punch, too! you must have punch! There's a hundred half-lemons in the kitchen, if there's one: for Susan, like a good girl, kept 'em to show 'em me.

No, sir; Susan SHAN'T LEAVE THE HOUSE! What do you say?

"SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO TELL TALES, AND YOU WILL BE MASTER IN YOUR OWN HOUSE?

"Will you? If you don't alter, Mr. Caudle, you'll soon have no house to be master of. A whole loaf of sugar did I leave in the cupboard, and now there isn't as much as would fill a teacup. Do you suppose I'm to find sugar for punch for fifty men? What do you say?

"THERE WASN'T FIFTY?

"That's no matter; the more shame for 'em, sir. I'm sure they drank enough for fifty. Do you suppose I'm to find sugar for punch for all the world out of my housekeeping money?"