Mrs. Caudle's Curtain Lectures Part 7

"YOU DON'T ASK ME?

"Don't you ask me? You do; you know you do: for if I only want a s.h.i.+lling extra, the house is in a blaze. And yet a whole loaf of sugar can you throw away upon--No, I WON'T be still; and I WON'T let you go to sleep. If you'd got to bed at a proper hour last night, you wouldn't have been so sleepy now. You can sit up half the night with a pack of people who don't care for you, and your poor wife can't get in a word!

"And there's that china image that I had when I was married--I wouldn't have taken any sum of money for it, and you know it--and how do I find it? With its precious head knocked off! And what was more mean, more contemptible than all besides, it was put on again, as if nothing had happened.

"YOU KNEW NOTHING ABOUT IT?

"Now, how can you lie there, in your Christian bed, Caudle, and say that? You know that that fellow, Prettyman, knocked off the head with the poker! You know that he did. And you hadn't the feeling-- yes, I will say it--you hadn't the feeling to protect what you knew was precious to me. Oh no, if the truth was known, you were glad to see it broken for that very reason.

"Every way I've been insulted. I should like to know who it was who corked whiskers on my dear aunt's picture? Oh! you're laughing, are you?

"YOU'RE NOT LAUGHING?

"Don't tell me that. I should like to know what shakes the bed, then, if you're not laughing? Yes, corked whiskers on her dear face,--and she was a dear soul to you, Caudle, and you ought to be ashamed of yourself to see her ill-used. Oh, you may laugh! It's very easy to laugh! I only wish you'd a little feeling, like other people, that's all.

"Then there's my china mug--the mug I had before I was married--when I was a happy creature. I should like to know who knocked the spout off that mug? Don't tell me it was cracked before--it's no such thing, Caudle; there wasn't a flaw in it--and now, I could have cried when I saw it. Don't tell me it wasn't worth twopence. How do you know? You never buy mugs. But that's like men; they think nothing in a house costs anything.

"There's four gla.s.ses broke, and nine cracked. At least, that's all I've found out at present; but I daresay I shall discover a dozen to- morrow.

"And I should like to know where the cotton umbrella's gone to--and I should like to know who broke the bell-pull--and perhaps you don't know there's a leg off a chair,--and perhaps--"

"I was resolved," said Caudle, "to know nothing, and so went to sleep in my ignorance."

LECTURE XIV--MRS. CAUDLE THINKS IT "HIGH TIME" THAT THE CHILDREN SHOULD HAVE SUMMER CLOTHING

"There, Caudle! If there's anything in the world I hate--and you know it, Caudle--it is asking you for money. I am sure for myself, I'd rather go without a thing a thousand times, and I do--the more shame of you to let me, but--there, now! there you fly out again!

"WHAT DO I WANT NOW?

"Why, you must know what's wanted, if you'd any eyes--or any pride for your children, like any other father.

"WHAT'S THE MATTER--AND WHAT AM I DRIVING AT?

"Oh, nonsense, Caudle! As if you didn't know! I'm sure if I'd any money of my own, I'd never ask you for a farthing; never; it's painful to me, goodness knows! What do you say?

"IF IT'S PAINFUL, WHY SO OFTEN DO IT?

"Ha! I suppose you call that a joke--one of your club jokes? I wish you'd think a little more of people's feelings, and less of your jokes. As I say, I only wish I'd any money of my own. If there is anything that humbles a poor woman, it is coming to a man's pocket for every farthing. It's dreadful!

"Now, Caudle, if ever you kept awake, you shall keep awake to-night-- yes, you shall hear me, for it isn't often I speak, and then you may go to sleep as soon as you like. Pray do you know what month it is?

And did you see how the children looked at church to-day--like n.o.body else's children?

"WHAT WAS THE MATTER WITH THEM?

"Oh, Caudle! How can you ask? Poor things! weren't they all in their thick merinos and beaver bonnets? What do you say? -

"WHAT OF IT?

"What! you'll tell me that you didn't see how the Briggs's girls, in their new chips, turned their noses up at 'em? And you didn't see how the Browns looked at the Smiths, and then at our dear girls, as much as to say, 'Poor creatures! what figures for the month of May!'

"YOU DIDN'T SEE IT?

"The more shame for you--you would, if you'd had the feelings of a parent--but I'm sorry to say, Caudle, you haven't. I'm sure those Briggs's girls--the little minxes!--put me into such a pucker, I could have pulled their ears for 'em over the pew. What do you say?

"I OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED OF MYSELF TO OWN IT?

"No, Mr. Caudle; the shame lies with you, that don't let your children appear at church like other people's children, that make 'em uncomfortable at their devotions, poor things! for how can it be otherwise, when they see themselves dressed like n.o.body else?

"Now, Caudle, it's no use talking; those children shall not cross the threshold next Sunday, if they haven't things for the summer. Now mind--they sha'n't; and there's an end of it. I won't have 'em exposed to the Briggs's and the Browns again: no, they shall know they have a mother, if they've no father to feel for 'em. What do you say, Caudle?

"A GOOD DEAL I MUST THINK OF CHURCH, IF I THINK SO MUCH OF WHAT WE GO IN?

"I only wish you thought as much as I do, you'd be a better man than you are, Caudle, I can tell you; but that's nothing to do with it.

I'm talking about decent clothes for the children for the summer, and you want to put me off with something about the church; but that's so like you, Caudle!

"I'M ALWAYS WANTING MONEY FOR CLOTHES?

"How can you lie in your bed and say that? I'm sure there's no children in the world that cost their father so little: but that's it; the less a poor woman does upon, the less she may. It's the wives who don't care where the money comes from who're best thought of. Oh, if my time was to come over again, would I mend and st.i.tch, and make the things go so far as I have done? No--that I wouldn't.

Yes, it's very well for you to lie there and laugh; it's easy to laugh, Caudle--very easy, to people who don't feel.

"Now, Caudle, dear! What a man you are! I know you'll give me the money, because, after all, I think you love your children, and like to see 'em well dressed. It's only natural that a father should.

Eh, Caudle, eh? Now you sha'n't go to sleep till you've told me.

"HOW MUCH MONEY DO I WANT?

"Why, let me see, love. There's Caroline, and Jane, and Susannah, and Mary Anne, and--What do you say?

"I NEEDN'T COUNT 'EM; YOU KNOW HOW MANY THERE ARE?

"Ha! that's just as you take me up. Well, how much money will it take? Let me see; and don't go to sleep. I'll tell you in a minute.

You always love to see the dear things like new pins, I know that, Caudle; and though I say it--bless their little hearts!--they do credit to you, Caudle. Any n.o.bleman of the land might be proud of 'em. Now don't swear at n.o.blemen of the land, and ask me what they've to do with your children; you know what I meant. But you ARE so hasty, Caudle.

"HOW MUCH?

"Now, don't be in a hurry! Well, I think, with good pinching--and you know, Caudle, there's never a wife who can pinch closer than I can--I think, with pinching, I can do with twenty pounds. What did you say?

"TWENTY FIDDLESTICKS?

"What?

"YOU WON'T GIVE HALF THE MONEY?

"Very well, Mr. Caudle; I don't care: let the children go in rags; let them stop from church, and grow up like heathens and cannibals, and then you'll save your money, and, I suppose, be satisfied.