Ever Heard This? Part 23

An illiterate person, who always volunteered to "go round with the hat,"

but was suspected of sparing his own pocket, overhearing once a hint to that effect, replied, "Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks proper, and so do I. Charity's a private concern, and what I give is nothing to n.o.body."

ON TAKING A WIFE

The great Sheridan, giving his son Tom a lecture, said, "You have been fooling about as a bachelor quite long enough. You ought to settle down and take a wife." Tom innocently asked, "Whose wife shall I take?"

THE THIRTY-NINE ARTICLES

A Bishop, arriving at the end of a railway journey, the porter began collecting his luggage, and said: "How many articles are there, sir?"

"Thirty-nine," replied the Bishop imperturbably. The porter hunted round, then said in despair: "There are only fourteen here, sir." "Ah,"

said the Bishop, smiling, "you are evidently a dissenter."

THE d.u.c.h.eSS AND THE CANONS

A good story of the late portly d.u.c.h.ess of Teck was told by Canon Teignmouth Sh.o.r.e. Her Royal Highness was seated at dinner between Sh.o.r.e and another canon when the former said that she must find herself in rather an alarming position:--

"Canon to right of you, Canon to left of you, Volleys and thunders."

"Well," replied the d.u.c.h.ess, "this is the very first time I have been connected with the Light Brigade."

HOW TO WIN

"Why is it, Dennis, that you are always fighting with Willie Simpkins?

I never hear of you quarrelling with any of the other boys in the neighbourhood." "He's the only one I can lick," answered Dennis.

PIGS

The squire rides up to a farmhouse, and, seeing the small son of the farmer outside, asks the youngster where his father is, and gets the following reply: "Father is in yonder field with the pigs. You'll know him--he's got a 'at on!"

BACON AND THE DEVIL

A Quaker bought from one Bacon a horse which proved to be unsound.

Meeting the seller shortly after he taxed him with bad faith and asked him to take the horse back again. But this he refused to do, and finding his remonstrances in vain the Quaker addressed him thus very calmly, "Friend, thou hast doubtless heard of the devil entering the herd of swine, and I find that he still sticks fast to the bacon. Good morning to thee, friend."

HINTS TO MOTHERS

The inventor of a new feeding bottle for infants sent out the following among his directions for using: "When the baby is done drinking it must be unscrewed and laid in a cool place under the hydrant. If the baby does not thrive on fresh milk, it should be boiled."

GARRICK AND THE DOCTOR'S FEE

A doctor accustomed to high fees had been attending Garrick, charging two guineas a visit. The patient began to grudge this sum and at length decided to halve it, and on the termination of a visit handed the doctor the fee which he had resolved was sufficient. The physician began looking about him as though in search of something. He was asked if he had lost anything. "Sir," replied the doctor, "I believe I have dropped a guinea." "No, doctor," said the patient with quiet significance, "it is I that have dropped a guinea."

A SAFE SHOT

A City gentleman was invited down to the country for "a day with the birds." His aim was not remarkable for its accuracy, to the great disgust of the man in attendance, whose tip was generally regulated by the size of the bag. "Dear me!" at last exclaimed the sportsman, "but the birds seem exceptionally strong on the wing this year!" "Not all of them, sir," was the answer. "You've shot at the same bird about a dozen times. 'E's a-follering you about, sir." "Following me about?

Nonsense! Why should a bird do that?" "Well, sir," came the reply, "I dunno, I'm sure, unless it's for safety."

HOW TO INDUCE PERSPIRATION

It is well known that the veterans who preside at the examinations of surgeons question minutely those who wish to become qualified. After answering very satisfactorily the numerous enquiries made, a young gentleman was asked, if he wished to give his patient a profuse perspiration, what would he prescribe? He mentioned many diaph.o.r.etic medicines in case the first failed, but the unmerciful questioner thus continued, "Pray, sir, suppose none of those succeeded, what step would you take next?" "Why, sir," enjoined the hara.s.sed young Esculapius, "I would send him here to be examined; and if that did not give him a sweat, I do not know what would."

DIFFERENCES