Ever Heard This? Part 24

Someone was endeavouring to convince a certain old lady by quotations from Scripture on some point or other. "You see, Madam," said he, "St.

Paul in his Epistle to the Ephesians says," and he repeated the pa.s.sage to her (as he thought, very impressively). "Yes," replied the lady, very collectedly, "I know all about that; but that's just where Paul and I differ!"

COALS

During the high price of coals, a gentleman, meeting his coal-merchant, asked whether it was a good time to lay in a stock? The knight of the black diamonds shook his head, saying, "Coals are coals now, sir." To which his customer replied, "I am very glad to hear it, for the last you sent me were all slates."

MODESTY

Uncle George gave a children's party. Janet, aged eight, after a silence asked him to help her to some more jam. "Certainly, Janet, but why not help yourself?" The answer came pat, "Because I thought you'd give me more."

AN UNFORTUNATE REMARK

Two ladies, sisters, of whom one was a widow and the other with a husband still living in India, called at a house, and on the former leaving, a gentleman offered to escort her to her carriage. But the sisters resembled each other so much that he mistook the widow for the married one, and when she remarked to him, on the way to the door, how very hot it was, he replied, "Yes, but not so hot as where your husband is!"

MODERN EDUCATION

Two navvies were arguing on education of the present day.

One was of opinion that it was practically of little use, the other that it was of the greatest value. "Look at my boy Jack," he said, "he can answer any question you like to ask him. Here he comes, bringing my dinner. You ask him anything you like." "Jack," said the other, "your father tells me you are getting on well at school. How many are seven and four?" "Twelve," was the prompt reply.

"There you are," said the proud father, "right, within one, first blooming guess."

THE RULING Pa.s.sION

One of the chosen people, who was condemned to be hanged, was brought to the gallows, and was just on the point of being turned off, when a reprieve arrived. Moses was informed of this, and it was expected he would instantly have quitted the cart, but he stayed to see his two fellow-prisoners hanged; and being asked why he did not get about his business, he said, "He waited to see if he could bargain with the hangman for the two shentlemen's clo'."

EDUCATION

"Education is a good thing, Tim, an' don't you run it down." "Ever had any of it, Pat?" "Me? Well, I should say yes. I went to night school all one winter." "An' what did you get to show for it, Pat?" "What did I get? I got four overcoats, three hats, and seven umbrellas. Don't you tell me that going to school is a waste of time."

A LONG GRACE

A parish minister was in the habit of preaching two sermons on a Sunday morning to save his paris.h.i.+oners another journey to church. A young girl in the congregation became so tired and hungry that at the beginning of the second sermon she whispered to her grandmother, who accompanied her, "Come awa', granny, and gang hame, this is a lang grace, and na meat."

THE USE OF FALSE TEETH

The dinner had been a huge success, and a highly ornamented pie was much praised. The cook having been complimented was asked how she had managed to impart so much artistic taste into the design. "Well, mum," she replied, "I did it with your false teeth."

HOW TO COLLECT

A public man was appealing on behalf of a certain charity, when a note was handed up to him asking if it would be right for a bankrupt to contribute in response to his appeal. The speaker referred to this in the course of his lecture and said decidedly that such a person could not do so in Christian honesty. "But, my friends," he added, "I would advise you who are not insolvent not to pa.s.s the plate this evening, as if you do the people will be sure to say: 'There's another bankrupt!'"

IMPERSONATION

_Captain_: "What's he charged with, Casey?"

_Officer_: "I don't know the regular name fer it, captain; but I caught him a-flirting in the park."

_Captain_: "Ah, that's impersonatin' an officer."

A SMART RETORT

_Facetious Doctor_ (to artist): "The pictures which hang on the walls are your failures, I suppose?"

_Dyspeptic Artist_: "Yes. And that's where you doctors have the pull over us. You can bury yours."